Thoughts on “Pinstripes & Pearls”

I’ve been catching up on my favorite sci-fi/fantasy series, but I felt behooved to take a break from werewolves, witches and vampires to read something law school related. At the library I stumbled across a real gem. Pinstripes & Pearls by Judith Richard Hope is the fascinating tale of the women of the Harvard Law Class of 1964. The first women were admitted to Harvard in 1950, but the class of ’64 was part of the first generation to really deal with the feminist issue of choosing a career or family. The vast majority of the women chose both, with varying degrees of success.

Twenty women entered Harvard Law in 1961, and 19 of them eventually ended up with law degrees. Two of them transferred out due to personal reasons, and two others stopped after the first year and returned to complete their degrees later. The environment was uncomfortable–there was only one women’s bathroom in the entire law school, and it was a long trip down to the basement. Some of the male students were resentful that women, who it was assumed would never use their degree, were taking the places of men who deserved and wanted it more. Some of the professors didn’t even call on them in class except on designated “Ladies’ Days”. However, the women banded together and persevered. The author puts in enough detail to make her account credible, but doesn’t dwell on the boring stuff. Interesting anecdotes and vignettes of each female student are deftly woven into the story, which introduces each woman and her journey to law school, along with what happens to her before and after.

It seems that the women were unprepared for the amount of challenges they faced in gaining employment–condescension, sexual harassment and flat out discrimination were rife. On the first day of one job, Hope’s boss asked her to buy him a coffee. She did so, but charged him $50 to impress upon him the value of her time–it had taken her thirty minutes to complete the task because of a long line, and she was getting paid $100/hr. Throughout the descriptions of each woman’s winding career path, there is great advice about the unique challenge of being a woman maneuvering your way through office politics. Grace under fire, dogged persistence, and unabashed use of feminine charm when necessary seem to be crucial components for making your life bearable, if not easier.

Hope speaks candidly about each of her classmate’s victories and defeats. Several of the women married fellow law students, and had to juggle a family and a job while their husbands worked long hours at prestigious law firms. These stories are what make the book not just amusing, but a must-read for any woman who is determined to have a fulfilling professional and family life. The author herself became the first woman named to the Harvard Corporation in 1989 and has taught at several highly regarded law schools. Pat Schroeder spent twelve terms in Congress as a Representative of Colorado’s 1st district and made a brief bid for President in 1988. Judith Wilson Rogers (one of only 3 blacks in the class) worked for the District Attorney in Washington, D.C. and spent 11 years on the District Court of Appeals there, six of them as its chief judge. However, several of the women struggled with depression in their midlife and one of them twice attempted suicide.  Hope’s own children have admitted that they often felt secondary to her high powered career. The lesson from this seems to be that you can have it all, just not at the same time. Katherine Huff O’Neil (an arbitrator and mediator turned co-owner of a boutique law firm) said, “You can always be a lawyer, but you have a limited time in which to be a lawyer.” She, along with the women who seemed to lead more balanced lives, obtained fulfilling part-time legal work in the public sector or pursued a career path in academia so that they had the flexibility to be with their children.

This book was a great inspiration to me because I know that I want to have kids, and that I don’t want to resort to daycare or getting a nanny before they’re old enough for pre-school. However, I also know that being a full-time homemaker would leave me feeling bored and unchallenged. I definitely want to be a lawyer. But I know that even with increasing “flextime” initiatives traditional law practice is not usually conducive to family life. It’s heartening to know that these women managed to do so at a time when the workplace was extremely hostile to women and stay at home dads were unheard of.

I plan to purchase my own copy of this book immediately, and you should definitely look it up! Have you read any inspiring books lately?

 

Too much ambition?

“You say look at my degrees and you look at my life…These guys are out here making all this money all these ways, and I’m spending mine to be smart. You know why?Because when i die, buddy, you know what’s going to keep me warm? That’s right, those degrees!” -Kanye West, The College Dropout

That was essentially the speech I got tonight from a young, black, female law professor. I’m here to interview for a scholarship tomorrow but tonight was a meet & greet dinner where all the candidates got to speak with current students and faculty. Everybody seems really nice (if a bit quirky) but this lady was way intense. She was railing on about how television turns your brain to mush and how setting goals is essential. Not that any of that is untrue, but the way she said it was so over the top. “When I came to law school I set a goal for myself that I was going to graduate in the top 10% of my class. And I did, and now I’m a law professor. You can do that too, but it’s a lot of hard work.”

Okay, standard motivational speech so far and nothing I haven’t heard before. Carry on.

“I was watching Project Runway and Lauren Hutton said that if you want to be successful, you have to work four times harder than the next person. And you know, I had to think about myself. I feel that I’m working hard, but not four times harder. I am always trying to improve as a professor but you know what? Those three, four hours a week I’m watching television I need to be reading up on my field. And when you get here next year, you’re going to see people going to parties and stuff, but you know what you can’t do that. You have to say no to the parties, no to the dates, no to the television if you want to be successful. It’s fine if you just want to be mediocre, and just graduate but if you want to achieve you have to sacrifice. But you know what, it’s only three years of law school and it’s not like your friends won’t remember you. They’ll be there when you get out.”

SCREEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!

About halfway through her diatribe I started thinking, This lady is crazy. I’ve heard all the horror stories about law school but frankly, I’m starting to lose my fear of it because I remember–I’m about to graduate from one of the best engineering schools in the country. A school which I argue is more academically rigorous than any Ivy League institution because there is almost zero grade inflation. People fail here, and they do so frequently. Most of the professors aren’t bending over backwards to make sure you understand the material so you often have to teach it to yourself. I’ve been writing research papers since my freshman year and I’ve taken several 4000 level classes where I got nothing less than a B, and I was competing with graduate students. So provided I do my due diligence, there’s no reason why law school should be something that defeats me.

But going back to the professor, her speech really bothered me because she seems to have lost all sense of having a balance in her life. She seems to be consumed with professional success and when I peeked over at her left hand there wasn’t a ring in sight. Now, for all I know she could very well have a boyfriend, but I really wondered given the fact that four hours of television in an entire week seemed excessive to her. I mean, your life can’t be all work. And I’m certainly not giving up my social life entirely for THREE WHOLE YEARS. That’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m supposed to be engaged before the year is out, how am I going to get married if I don’t see or talk to my fiance for the next three years? What the hell ever.

This is when I start to really believe that black women shoot themselves in the foot when it comes to dating. They ignore great guys for their career or in hopes of finding greener pastures (i.e., a model handsome dude with deep pockets) and then get to age 35 and wonder why they are single. Sigh. This myth that you can have everything is just a pretty lie. Men give up bonding with their kids to put in overtime at work and make sure they have clothes, food and a roof over their heads. Why do women think we are so special that we don’t have to make that choice?

Oh well. Love is one of those things that can’t be mandated. I’m just happy I found the one for me, and hope that other women will too.

 

Black women, there is hope.

Today I was reading yet another article about successful but lonely black women. I know I should stop reading them because they’re all variations on the same tired theme, but I keep hoping that maybe someone will come up with some legitimate concerns instead of self-indulgent whining. I know I sound harsh, but ever since I was a teenager I’ve been hearing about how hard it is for black women to find a good black man. I’m only 21 years old, but I’m sick to death of it! I live in Atlanta, where the population is skewed approximately 3:1 in favor of men, and in my experience good black women–that is, black women who are mature, know what they want without setting unreasonable expectations, and who are kind and gracious–have no problem finding a man. I’ve dated four guys; was the girlfriend of three of them; and am the soon-to-be-fiance of one (big news, I know! more on that in a separate post). Sissy  has dated much more extensively than I have. Out of all her suitors she’s had five or six boyfriends and so far three of them have proposed to her. But I will say that in Something New style, her current beau is a humble, Caucasian elementary school teacher. He doesn’t have a fly car, fat pockets or that “brotha swag”, but he understands her and she’s happier with him than I’ve ever seen her. Helena Andrews, a resident of D.C., doesn’t seem to share Sissy’s luck however. According to the Washington Post, “Helena Andrews is 29, single, living in D.C., and might be the star of a black “Sex and the City” — stylish, beautiful and a writer desperately in search of love in the city.”

*eye roll* Helluva opener, right? The article continues, “For a lot of black women, especially young successful black women, we have a lot of boxes on our master plan list checked off,” Andrews says. “We think happiness should come immediately after that. But that is not always the case.” Um, who told you that lie? My parents never told me that a degree and a good job would land me a husband or complete my life. Love is much too hard to find and when these women do, it may go all wrong because of issues that are too complicated for statistics, Andrews says. I understand that social factors do play a large role in relationships, but if we continue to act out our issues they will never get fixed and the cycle will repeat itself. You can’t control society, but you can control your behavior, and how you react to other people’s issues. You can let them bring out the worst in you, you can walk away, or you can try to work through them. But back to Helena’s love life. Cornrows, she says, seems nice, but that is the problem. “He can put together coherent sentences, but they are not in any way related to my life,” she says. She laughs, but catches herself. She knows the man is trying hard. She also knows Cornrows doesn’t stand a chance. ”I’m a mean woman. I don’t date nice people. That’s why I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle.” Here’s a tip: being nice to men works wonders. And fatalism ain’t cute. But of course the girlfriends have to chip in their two cents.

Staffer: “You need a man in your life. They come in handy for labor.”

Andrews: “He offered to help me move. That was nice.”

Lawyer: “He wasn’t nice to offer. He just wants to get with you.” <—–BITTER FRIEND ALERT! Don’t listen to her!

Oh, but that’s not all by a long shot. “People keep talking about the black single woman in D.C. But do you know who she is? Does she know what she wants? They should stop saying we have it all together. . . . I am that single black woman in Washington, D.C. Why is she single? This is who I am. Tell me.” Sweetie, if you don’t know what you want then how do you expect some  man to know? I believe in the idea that you attract people with complementary traits. If you are a person who always subordinates her desires to the other person’s, you attract men who are manipulative. If you’re very controlling, you attract spineless men who are willing to be controlled. Conversely, if you love yourself and respect other people, you’ll attract men who love and respect you. If you’re all mixed up inside then you’re going to get some of everything, most of it bad unless you find a man who likes to save women…but that’s still dysfunctional because he’ll leave once you get your act together and stop playing the victim role.

Finally, close to the end of the article comes this gem. She once asked a colleague, “Why does no one say hi to me in the morning?”

“Because you are a bitch,” the colleague replied. Andrews wasn’t offended. That is her way of moving through the world. That way you don’t get hurt, you mask any softness or weakness inside. Lord have mercy!

So let me get this straight. You 1) date men you aren’t attracted to; 2) you admit that you’re mean and when your colleague called you a bitch you didn’t care; 3) there’s no point in trying so hard because you’re think you’ll end up settling anyway;  4) you have bitter friends who give you bad advice; and 5) you have no idea what you want. Of course you’re single! Good relationships require attraction, respect, compromise, boundaries and realistic expectations. Ms. Andrews doesn’t seem to know the first thing about any of these. My advice? Don’t be like her or you probably will end up alone for a very long time. Take the time to get to know yourself and, try to become the person that you would want to marry. I know this may sound smug coming from a girl like me who seems to have led a pretty charmed life in the love department. But I don’t attribute my good fortune to blind good luck. It was a blessing that I was ready to receive.

Black women, don’t live up to the statistics. Hold on to hope, let go of some of your preconceived notions about what the perfect life and man would look like, and have fun. Don’t live life waiting on a man; your future husband can’t find you if you’re always at home or with your girlfriends!

 

97%: When the odds turn against you

Note: I realize that I posted this a few weeks ago under the title “The Road Not Taken”, but I have more to say so bear with me!

“There but for the grace of God go I.”- John Bradford

In three months I’ll be 22 years old. It’s kinda scary, honestly. I feel so….adult, all of a sudden. I’m just getting used to being 21 years old, it can’t possibly be time for another year to get tacked on! Of course, I’m thankful that I’ve made it this far and I’m well on my way to accomplishing some of my life goals. While perusing Facebook this morning I discovered that yet another high school friend of mine was pregnant. I didn’t even know what to say. She was one of my best friends back then. We were both in the orchestra, on the honor roll, had overprotective mothers and couldn’t wait to go to college. She wanted to be a doctor, and she majored in biology. She was supposed to graduate in the spring, like me, but her baby is due any day now and I just wonder– what will happen to her? With her plans interrupted so close to the finish line, will she even get to finish college? Is the baby’s father going to help her raise the child? Will she ever make it to medical school? Of course, she could be giving it up for adoption but that’s still a burden to carry. You can find anybody now, so it’s almost a given that someday she will have to explain to her child why she thought it was better to give him/her away. She’s such a lovely girl and really smart, and I just never thought she would end up in this situation…

Just a bit of comic relief.

Now, let me say I don’t want to seem like I’m judging her. We have all been irresponsible before, it  just usually doesn’t have consequences this dire. Fortunately for me, I’ve made very few mistakes that couldn’t be easily rectified. Over the past few years a lot of folks have failed/dropped out of school, and a few girls have gotten pregnant. But this isn’t somebody I’m casually acquainted with, this is someone who I went on double dates with, passed notes to in class, and had over for sleepovers. In a lot of ways, this girl could have been me! And that’s what really freaks me out. If I had made just one bad decision, or been in that unlucky 1-3%, my life could be TOTALLY different. It just makes me wonder, what other bullets have I dodged?

One thing I know for sure is that I’m grateful to have made it this far relatively unscathed. But I wonder, what if it did happen to me? What would I do? There was a time when I would have gone running to the nearest clinic to get it taken care of, but now I’m not so sure. Disclaimer: I do NOT want a child at this point in my life, and I am not trying to have one, so don’t panic! This is a philosophical exercise only. Anyway, now that I’m almost done with college, I don’t have an excuse for saying that it would interrupt my education. Law school can be deferred a year, and there are part-time programs. Even so, I could find a job with decent wages with my Bachelor’s degree; I have great references and I’ve always been a hard worker. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and he’s already told me he’d be there for me if that were to happen. In another year he’ll be done with college too. In her blog, Kit has written several times about pregnancy and abortion. She says “Babies rarely come at a convenient time, even for married folks” and that abortions are an exercise in selfishness. Having gone through an abortion that ultimately rendered her infertile, I’m not inclined to take her words lightly as she isn’t some crazy anti-abortion fanatic, as is clearly evidenced by her story.

I suppose it all has to do with where you are in life. I’m well on my way to full adulthood and nearly done with school; as little as 2 years ago I was much more naive. I would have felt unbearable shame at being so silly as to let myself get pregnant, and terrified by the changes a baby would make in my life.  Most of all, I would be thinking about how I was supposed to finish school and be a mother at the same time. Now things are just…different. If I hadn’t decided to go to law school, I’d be looking for a job and preparing to live on my own. I know how to apply for food stamps or unemployment assistance if I really needed it. One of my cousins had a baby when she was 22 and they’re not out on the street so it can be done. Not to say that any of this would be easy, but if I had an abortion at this point in my life my reasons would boil down to “I just didn’t feel like having a kid.” And I don’t think that’s something I could live with.

Still, even after arguing Roe v. Wade in class and finding out that there is much stronger legal support for prohibiting abortion than allowing it, I am still pro-choice. I don’t think any woman should be forced to have a baby she does not want. Abortion shouldn’t be used as birth control, and I would support a lifetime limit because there are a few women out there who are just careless. But I refuse to believe that the vast majority of women who get abortions do so lightly, especially considering that 1 in 3 women will have one during her lifetime (according to Planned Parenthood). And what about the women who get pregnant as a result of rape or molestation? There are some women who could bear it, but for many that would be just as traumatic, if not more traumatic, than the actual act of violation. Raising a baby who has the face of your rapist? Creepy.

I don’t know. I just wish there was more open dialogue about safe sex, and the consequences of unsafe sex, because it’s ridiculous to expect people to abstain until marriage. (Most of the people who tout that ideal weren’t virgins when they got married, so who are they to impose such restrictions on the free world?) Successful single mothers are finally getting their due, but  nobody talks about what makes a woman get an abortion or how it made her feel afterwards. If we had more conversations like that, I think young women and men would be more responsible. Or maybe not. How do you feel abortion and unwanted pregnancy? If you’re a woman and yo u got pregnant today, would you keep it? If you’re a man and your girlfriend got pregnant, would you want her to keep it or abort? Feel free to comment even if you don’t want to specifically answer those questions.

 

Black Love & War Vol. 2: Power Dynamics

In my last post I discussed how black women’s tendency towards aggression sours the interactions between black men and women. Today I will talk about how the power struggle makes everybody a loser.

It is often said that the person in the relationship who cares the least, has the most power. This is true in a way, but power won’t keep you warm at night. Power won’t comfort you when you’re going through hard times. Power won’t cook you breakfast in the morning, or hold your hand, or make you laugh when you’re feeling stressed. Yet everyone, especially those under 30, continue to play games. Games like what, you say?

- Being friends with benefits in the hopes of becoming his full-time girlfriend;

- Stringing along two or three or four prospects because it’s too hard to choose just one woman;

- Pretending not to care about him/her when you really do;

- Refusing to let him help you out in any way because you don’t want to owe him anything;

and the list goes on.

In reality, opening yourself up to love is the greatest power you will ever have, because real love enables you to see clearly. Real love recognizes itself. I’m not talking about infatuation or obsession, I’m talking about the kind of love that enables humans to be unselfish. If he cheats on you time and again, and you keep on taking him back–that’s not love, that’s stupidity. But if someone inspires you to be more than you are, because you feel that they deserve the best you possible–that’s love. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself, because when you really feel that way about someone you won’t be able to accept less than the genuine article from them. Love gives you the strength to walk away when it’s not working, even though it hurts.

But sex gets in the way of love, at least when it is introduced too soon. Everyone talks about sexual freedom and whatnot, but society still reflects a HUGE double standard in judging men’s and women’s sexual activities. So delayed gratification is always in a woman’s best interest. (It helps men out too, and if everybody was a little more patient and a little more careful I think the rates of STD transmission and unwanted pregnancy would drop accordingly.) By waiting, you can evaluate your feelings for a man without having your judgment clouded by how good or bad he was in bed. If he spends most of the time making moves on you, or becomes distant after a few weeks when he realizes you aren’t giving it up, you can count it as a loss and spare yourself unrequited emotional attachment. I don’t think that anybody can have sex with no strings attached; it’s just that it takes men a lot longer to catch feelings than it does for women (biology strikes again!). Men experience an adrenaline rush while women get an oxytocin rush. But taking sex out of the equation reveals a someone’s motivations for spending time with you–either they’ll lose interest, or you’ll find that they want to get to know you as a whole person.

So the bottom line is, the only power that anyone needs to have in a relationship is power over his or her own behavior. If you open yourself to love and stop looking for a cheap thrill, then better things will start coming your way.

 

 

Black Love & War Vol. 1: The Race Debate

My last post was about how black women have been duped by the feminist movement. Towards the end I mentioned how the way that they relate to black men is just as much to blame for their singleness as cultural forces. I won’t rehash my list of reasons why so many women don’t have a man; instead, I’m starting a series that will highlight some issues that get in the way of healthy black relationships. Today’s question is: Why do so many black men date outside the race?

First of all, men need to feel needed. This is biology, and a need that is programmed into him at a genetic level.  But black men have been marginalized for so long that it’s very hard for them to deal with rejection and emasculation from their own women. So when he gets something off the high shelf for you so you don’t have to grab a step stool to do it, he is trying to show you that he can take care of you. Same thing applies when he pumps the gas, pays for dinner and holds the door open. When you undermine his attempts to showcase his masculinity you are pushing him away. I know women feed off compliments, so imagine how you would feel if your S.O. never told you how beautiful or sexy you looked.  Ugly, right? It’s the same way that men feel useless when they don’t think they have a purpose in your life.

I’ve also noticed that black women tend  to relate to black men in a very forceful way, and every single guy that I’ve ever dated was amazed at how levelheaded I was even when I was upset with them. It confused me until I realized that it really was a rarity. I’m a quiet person by temperament and I only raise my voice  when I’ve reached the end of my rope…and there are but so many things you can do to get me that angry. I don’t start yelling and cursing people out just because I’m annoyed. It’s tacky and there are better ways to get the results you want. Men do not respond well to negative reinforcement. The last thing you would want after a long day at work is somebody up in your face yelling about how you forgot to put up the laundry…so why do you do that to him? Compliments and praise are more effective in getting anybody to change their behavior, but that’s especially true with men. There’s a grain of truth in the fragile ego theory, and any comment that makes them puff their little chests out with pride will exponentially increase their chances of repeating the behavior that led to it. If you fuss and cuss he’ll (reluctantly) do what you want just to shut you up, and the next time the car needs washing/he has to fetch something from the store/it’s his turn to cook dinner you’ll have to re-enact the whole frustrating scene. Personally, I’d rather not.

Then there is a mistaken belief in the black community that if you do too much for a man when you’re just dating, he’ll never marry you. I say mistaken because whether or not a man marries you has almost nothing to do with you and almost everything to do with him. Men get married when they are ready and not a moment before, and if they happen to be with a woman who meets more than half his qualifications she will be his Mrs. But I digress. Black women often hold back in a relationship because they think that if they share too much about themselves, the mystery will be gone and they’ll no longer be desirable. This is true in the early stages of dating. It’s not appropriate to spill your deepest fears and dearest dreams on the third or fourth date, nor is it appropriate to sleep with him in the first month (yes it’s a double standard, but I’ve never heard a woman regret waiting to give it up). But if you’ve been dating exclusively for 6 months or more, nothing is wrong with helping him shop for new curtains or fixing him dinner every once in a while. Men don’t dream about getting married from birth like women do, so if they’re going to take the plunge they want to know as much about you as possible– how you look without makeup or weave, whether or not you can cook, if you keep a clean house, if you trust him enough to give him space. That means you have to be vulnerable and show your feminine side. Men appreciate a strong woman but remember that they are the providers, and need some softness in a woman too.

Now, when you combine the black women’s tendency to aggression, negative reinforcement, and putting up emotional walls with Western society’s warped standard of beauty that lauds everything but blackness, you get black men who seek out white, Latina and Asian women. They have an “exotic” beauty, and are accustomed to letting men take the lead. I do believe that love is blind. It can and should cross color lines, but people gravitate towards those who are most like them. Black men date and marry outside their race more than men of any color or creed. So when you think about it, the factors I just described are the only things that can explain this aberration. Some people attribute it to self-hatred, and that does play a role. But my experiences with black men have shown me that most of them have just been hurt, rejected or taken advantage of to the point that they simply feel unwanted by black women and are taking themselves elsewhere.

 

 

Black Women and the Feminist Mistake

One of my favorite bloggers, Kit over at Keep It Trill wrote about the new Yale study that states what we all know to be true: that roughly half of college educated black women will never get married or have children. She cites this fact, along with abortion to make her argument that cultural forces which helped white women are acting as a sort of “genocide lite” for black people. Please note that this is a very simplistic summary of her views, so you really should read her post in order to understand where she’s coming from on that. Very Smart Brothas explored a similar argument a couple of weeks ago, wondering if the black middle class would render itself extinct.

I myself have briefly explored how the choice to be a housewife has become controversial, as well as why many educated black women are still single. But it wasn’t until I began to comment on Kit’s post that I managed to consolidate my views in a more coherent way. She suggested that I write a post on it and I had some time on my hands, so here goes.

The feminist movement and all the changes that came with it–full access to contraceptives, legalized abortion, women’s ability to choose to work outside the home–were radically different than anything Western society had ever seen before. In all of my studies in history and sociology, I have never heard of a society besides ours in the 20th century, in which both parents worked outside the home. Societies are either matriarchal or patriarchal.  Egalitarianism exists only in the sense that men’s and women’s roles are valued equally, not in the sense that men and women can do the same things. I have always maintained that God made men and women different for a reason, and that we are better off when both genders perform the tasks that they are naturally best suited to do. This flies in the face of

Now, feminism hasn’t affected white women too adversely because whites on average have a higher socioeconomic status. When a white couple gets married, it is likely that their parent paid for all or most of the wedding–hence they are not starting their life in debt. Furthermore, both parties are likely to be the  beneficiaries of intergenerational wealth, which equals increased social mobility.* Getting a job isn’t a problem when daddy owns a company. Or it could just be that their parents are well enough off to have created a trust fund with which to pay for their children’s education. We must also consider that wealthy people have life insurance, and thus when they die their children don’t have to pay for the funeral and can receive an inheritance. Even if this inheritance is only $2000, the advantage incurred by each generation compounds. The second part of this scenario is that white women did not need to work outside the home. They simply fought for the right to work if they wanted to. So when a white woman starts juggling a career with her family and realizes that it’s too hard, she can become a housewife without qualms because the family doesn’t need her income to survive. Conversely, the precarious position of blacks in America meant that black women were working outside the home long before Susan B. Anthony was a glimmer in her daddy’s eye. Black women wanted to be able to pursue more lucrative work  in order to help their husbands, who were often put out of work because they seemed dangerous (because we all know black men are just one step away from  unleashing their primitive, beast-like urges**) or because immigrants would do the work cheaper.

After suffering under the twin oppressions of racism and sexism for so long, black women were thrilled to be able to rise to their potential. Since they were less threatening than their male counterparts and filled two diversity quotas to boot, they rapidly found success in higher education as well as the boardroom and eventually outpaced black men. So now we’re in a depressing situation where it seems all the “eligible” black men want anything but a black woman, and so we must all fight over the remaining few.

It’s unfortunate, but women can’t have it all. Men can’t have it all either–it’s just that they long ago accepted that in pursuing career success to provide for their families they would not be the primary caretaker in their children’s lives. Women feel guilty for being away from their children because we are biologically programmed to be nurturers. Matriarchal societies function because the women do all the important work but the men stay at home with the kids, so women don’t have to feel guilty.

So basically, if you are a black woman and you want to get an education and get married, you must date with intention. You don’t have time to waste on “friends with benefits” or other dead end relationships. It may sound frivolous, but I went off to college fully intending to obtain my B.S. and my MRS. My mother told me that once I left college/grad school, I would never again be around such a large pool of eligible bachelors with similar qualifications who are open to getting married. And survey says that she was right. You have to find someone to grow with, because once men finish school, they are content to spend the next 10 years building material wealth and will marry a younger (translation: more fertile) woman to build a family with. And young men don’t marry older women (again, it doesn’t make biological sense) so after 35 there really is a man shortage.

Finally, my last point: it’s not degrees that scare men off but bad attitudes. Don’t believe the hype, any man worth his salt wants a woman who has more to offer than a pretty face. Men want to be stimulated physically, emotionally and mentally. The problem is that black women have gotten so used to doing for themselves that it’s hard for them to cede the power in the relationship, and they will worry, nag and browbeat a man until all the fight’s gone out of him. There are certain universal truths about men that will make life a lot easier for women if they only accept it…but I’ll save that for the next installment.

There was a lot to chew on in this post so I know my readers have something to say…let me know what’s on your mind!

*Emily Beller & Michael Hout, “Intergenerational Social Mobility”

**In case you didn’t know, I was being sarcastic.

 

The Ratio

I go to an engineering school, which is about 2/3 male. The tour guides always tell you about the saying, “The odds are good but the goods are odd.” That’s true to an extent. Tech kids are an odd bunch, by and large. We have a lot of people who are extremely book smart, geniuses even. To be frank, about half of theses kids are socially retarded, but that still leaves 50% who can function comfortably around people AND computers.

The ratio is extremely favorable towards girls, and any female who is friendly and remotely attractive could have a boyfriend if she wanted to. Girls may have to be a little proactive (most of the player types are athletes, and they have so many groupies that there’s no need to spit game), but if you want a man you have your pick of the litter. I feel bad for the guys though, because a lot of the nice ones get screwed over. BGS (B*tchy Girl Syndrome) is rampant. The few really pretty girls are often mean, because they’ve been mean all their lives and can get by on looks alone. Some of the average girls get big heads because they get an extra point* by comparison because there are so many plain Janes walking around. So they look around and say hey, why don’t I go for a hot/popular guy? There’s not that much competition.

Except there is. Because although there are 2 guys for every girl, statistically there is only about 0.333 of a “dateable” guy per girl.** If girls didn’t automatically discount guys for having ugly glasses frames or no sense of style there would be a 1:1 ratio, but TBS makes every chick think she can pull a 10. Even if she’s only a 6. It’s astounding. This leaves a lot of perfectly nice, decent looking guys out in the cold….until they graduate and start making $80,000 a year at their cushy engineering jobs. Except by then they’ve become bitter and just want to “explore their options” (code for “sleep with as many barely legal hotties as I can”).

It’s a vicious cycle. The moral of the story is, ladies, be kind to nerds. Because you’re going to want to marry one someday.

*During freshman year, Mr. Man & company came up with a points system for rating girls: 3 for the face, 3 for the body, 3 for personality and 1 point to play with for a maximum of 10.  I combine this with the “Friends” theory of dating, where you can only date within 2 points of your own rating. I consider myself a solid 8, so I can date up to a 10 or down to a 6 with impunity. Genius, no?

** I completely made this up.

 

All the single ladies

As you may or may not know, it is widely alleged that the traditional black family is nearing extinction. The most oft-quoted statistic (Lord knows where it even came from!) says that 70% of black women will never get married. And the remaining 30% who do are shockingly devoid of highly educated, successful businesswomen partnered with men who match their impeccable credentials. If you’re a black woman, you’re hyperaware of your grim chances for achieving a stellar career and the man of your dreams. Arguments blaming each side have been tossed back and forth, but in the end it really comes back to the choices that women make. Let’s be real–the world population is still roughly 50% men, and even the black population more or less follows that distribution. For every two women I’ve heard complain that there are no good black men, I’ve heard a black men complain that there are no good black women–which means that conceivably, one of those two women could get a man. Now, I’m aware this is all anecdotal evidence and very imprecise, but you get the point. The excerpt below says it better:

“For some reason, every woman with a college degree now presumes herself to be a Michelle Obama looking for her Barack, when few of them have any of the other qualities that made Michelle a good catch: patience, vision and a sense of purpose and priority. She wanted a career, but she wanted to be a wife and a mother more, so she figured out what was important to her and made the necessary sacrifices. She didn’t just have a child baby-mama or turkey-baster-style—she wanted a husband and a family. You see? Love came first, it was the first consideration beyond her career. (What kind of lawyer-on-the-rise shackles herself to a broke community organizer driving a hoopty?) And her decisions paid off.

Love was first: that was her choice.” -Jimi Izrael, The Root

Now, I’m a frequent visitor of The Root and normally Jimi kinda works my nerves. But he’s got a point. Judging from my parents, aunts, uncles and married peers, if you don’t get married in college or within 3 years of graduating your chances of finding a man on your same level decrease exponentially. I know that 20 somethings are young, impulsive, and unstable. But there’s something to be said for settling down with someone you can grow with. If you are sure that you want to raise a family and  don’t have any particular need to sow some wild oats, then why date aimlessly? Why waste your time on flaky guys who just want to have fun? Why not date someone who treats you well, has a good idea of where he wants to be in life and will work hard to get there? Luck favors the well prepared (and the decisive). I’m not saying to settle, but the men aren’t going to be any better looking when you get older, and many of the ones who were inclined to get married early on will have been jaded by their experiences with women and want to just focus on themselves.

Thoughts?

I mean, it worked in Jason's Lyric. LOL!

 

Nature of the Beast: The Friend Zone!

Ah, the friend zone. If you haven’t been in it, heard of it, or know someone whose experienced its particular brand of torture, then you just came out from under a rock. Yet despite its seeming ubiquity, its very existence continues to be debated. I am here today to tell you…IT’S ALIVE AND KICKING! But it can be put down.

The Friend Zone is kinda like the Bermuda Triangle- you can pretend it’s just a myth, until all of a sudden you’re in it. A barren wasteland where you give much and receive little. All jokes aside, the friend zone isn’t inherently evil. Being friends first has built the foundation for many a successful relationship, and it’s good to take your time so you know what you’re getting into and avoid complications. But you’re all waiting to hear some actionable advice, so here goes (I’m addressing a male perspective for grammatical clarity, but the same thing applies to ladies).

IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE…stop the madness. Seriously, it’s that simple. If you continually allow your friend to get all the perks of a committed relationship- a date to the movies, a shopping buddy, the occasional free meal, a shoulder to cry on- without demanding the recognition and benefits of said relationship, you will continue to be used. Now, that’s not to say she has a malicious intent, because often girls don’t realize that’s what they’re doing. And here’s a big hint: if she regularly comes to you for advice about other guys, or discusses the dirty details of her love life to you, the chances of you getting out of the friend zone are slim to none. You’re probably not one of her CGI buddies, and she most likely sees you as a brother figure. But the only foolproof way to know how she feels about you, is to make your interest known and tell her you want to be her man. Yep, you’re gonna have a grow a pair. *shrugs*

Now one of two things can happen: either she wants to give you a chance, or she doesn’t. If she does, then her behavior after the first date . After that, you should be able to secure a second one within 7-10 days if she has decided you’re boyfriend material. We all lead busy lives nowadays, but (short of a death in the family or personal illness/injury) she will make time for you. Even if it means going to a matinee instead of the evening movie, or lunch on a Sunday instead of dinner Friday night.

There’s also a chance that she is leading you on, and you are her backup plan. She likes you…but she likes Sean and Robert and Aaron too, and she just can’t decide! So she’ll keep you all in rotation until she makes up her mind. Let’s say you went on a date and she agrees you should do it again. If you hear a variation of “Oh I’d love to but I can’t…sometime soon though!” two times or more, you might want to forget about unless she is your backup plan. The third time she says it she is definitely not serious about you. Expect a call from her in about 6 weeks when Aaron and Sean start acting up.

Then there’s the worst case scenario: she wants to be just friends. Rejection is painful, but you can’t change her mind. So you can cut her off entirely, stay in the friend zone, or make the transition to being fully platonic. So this means, you have to take a month or two to go cold turkey. Don’t let her assume that you all have standing plans every weekend. If she calls you late at night and it’s not an emergency, politely end the conversation. Don’t listen to a play by play of her most recent date. Don’t run over to her place on the spur of the moment just because she’s feeling lonely. Sounds harsh, but as her friend it’s NOT YOUR JOB. If she has a problem with the changing nature of the relationship and/or continues to persist with those behaviors, be blunt. “What’s the problem? Because the last time I checked, you said you wanted to be friends, and platonic friends aren’t obligated to ____.” Then give her the ultimatum. “I respect your feelings, and I still want to maintain our friendship. But since I’m interested in being more and you’re not, it’s not fair of you to ask me to ____. And if you can’t understand that, I’m not sure we should be friends at all.” Harsh, but extremely effective.

Well that’s it for this installment…feel free to comment, as always!