Bride Ambition

I’ve always wanted to be married, and I’m not ashamed of that.

When I was five, it meant always having somebody to play with. When I was twelve, it meant having someone to listen to me and take me seriously. When I was sixteen, it meant having someone to compliment me every day. Now, it means all of those things (lol) but also a lot more. I want to start a family with a man who not only takes care of me, but also challenges me to be my best self in every arena.

A lot of the rhetoric around black love and relationships is very polarizing. Women fall into two categories: Wife material, viewed as a doormat who puts all her hopes & dreams on the backburner to take care of house & home; or a bitter, lonely single woman who doesn’t need a man encroaching on her independence. Blah. Just because marriage is a goal of mine doesn’t mean it eclipsed or erased my other goals. I haven’t stopped wanting to work for social justice, write a book, or master Spanish just because I would also like to be a wife.

I also resist the notion that there is any one “right” way to do relationships/marriage other than to treat each other with respect and kindness. How you do that is different for every person (just Google the 5 love languages). But as for people who insist that “If you don’t do _____, then you’re doing it wrong” please have a seat. \_

I also refuse to believe that there is some huge shortage of eligible men. Relationships are a kind of magic, really. I mean think about it. You stumble across a person who is not only attractive but also understands you, entertains you, and takes care of you? Considering that every individual has a different set of quirks and attributes, finding someone whose uniqueness meshes with yours is not something that is reducible to rules on how to get a boo in 30 days.

Lastly, I don’t like the idea that a woman without a man is a failure. Nobody questions why men are single. Relationships are not made unilaterally. So a single woman should not be viewed as a plague on society. Everybody is not meant to be married. Out of those who are, not everybody is meant to find their special person by age 25, or 30 or whatever! We all need to develop and grow at our own pace. Some are meant to do this primarily with a partner, while others need to be single. The bottom line is that I believe God has a plan for everyone, and just because your plan doesn’t look like mine, doesn’t make it any less valid.

 

Alpha vs. Beta: Here’s one for the nice guys

Beta males are unfairly maligned in today’s society. They’ve gotten a  rep for being spineless doormats who can’t escape from the friend box long enough to get laid, much less get a girlfriend. However, our understanding of social rank in the animal kingdom is a little off. We all know that alpha males are the top dog, thanks to The Lion King. But, here’s the true order of things:

“A beta animal is an animal that will act as a new alpha animal if the old alpha dies. In some species of birds, the males pair up in twos when courting, the beta male aiding the alpha male. The beta male does not generally get to mate with the female birds, but if the alpha dies, he takes over the alpha’s females, becoming the new alpha.

Omega (usually rendered ω-male) is an antonym used to refer to the lowest caste of the hierarchical society. An omega is subordinated to all others in the community. The omega is commonly the last allowed to eat.”- Alpha (ethology), from Wikipedia

Beta males have borne the unfair brunt of our derision all this time when it’s really the Omega males that you want to stay away from. The fact is, Beta males are the ideal mates. Alpha males come with problems. Men want to be him, so they constantly challenge his primacy. Women want to be with him, so his mate is always fighting off encroachments. And let’s face it, their egos are a force to be reckoned with. But Beta males have a dose desirability and competence without all the drama. They aren’t doing stupid stuff to prove their masculinity, the groupie levels are much reduced, and they probably won’t mind helping you with the housework.

Unfortunately, biological directives drive much of our relationship decision making. During the childbearing years, women are irresistibly attracted men who have the hallmarks of success in the animal kingdom—height/size, strength, aggression, and ability to provide. Men who don’t display these traits to the fullest extent are passed over for the ones who do. When fertility starts to drop and women’s hormones calm down enough for them to realize that logically, the guy who can get you knocked up the fastest may not be the best long term father and life partner, Beta males start to look much more attractive. It’s a rare woman who realizes early on that Alpha males can be more trouble than they’re worth.

 

The Problem

The problem with having a fiance whom you adore is that when he’s not around, you miss him. But if you didn’t miss him, that would probably mean you didn’t adore him and thus you wouldn’t be happily engaged to begin with.

:-/

Three more months until Tex graduates and we can at least see each other every weekend, rather than every two or three weekends. That’s progress, right?

*le sigh*

 

Just do it

After the word went out via my Facebook status that I was done with finals, my phone was blowing up. Mostly with family, but the love was still gratifying Anyway, one of my guy friends wanted to get a woman’s perspective on a problem he was having with his girlfriend. Dude used to be a player, but he finally found someone who stimulates him on multiple levels. However, she’s a little older (28 to his 25) and looking towards marriage, something he’s not ready for at all. He had an analogy about marriage that was…interesting to say the least.

Marriage is one big surrender ceremony. You tell all your friends that you’ve finally given in and they come cheer you on as the woman who captured you walks down the aisle wrapped in a white flag and you live miserably ever after.

He also says that human brains don’t finish developing until age 25, so ostensibly the person you fall in love with before that age could be completely different. Also, he wants to travel and focus on his career before he settles down so he doesn’t have any regrets.

The Ex (we’re frociates–not quite friends, not quite associates) would probably agree with that statement. He said that nobody under the age of 28 should even be thinking about marriage, because our lives are so unstable and there’s just so much to do.

I asked Tex what he thought about that, and why so many people are so hard on marriage. His response was that some people just don’t want the extra responsibility and emotional ties that come with marriage. You have to check in and take someone else’s feelings into account.

Really? Is that all? Wusses.

I’ve been dealing with other people’s feelings  my entire life. I’m naturally empathetic, so even with casual acquaintances I try not to be rude or dismissive unless they’ve done something to warrant that type of treatment. My parents divorced when I was 13, and ever since I’ve walked a tightrope of compromise. I’ve been living my life on a schedule since I was pledging and haven’t looked back–Google Calendar is my BFF. I’ve never been a person who lived some footloose, fancy free, spontaneous life so having to tell someone where I am isn’t a burden. I have to call my parents to assure them I’ve arrived safely whenever I drive back and forth from school, and I check my schedule on a daily basis anyway so it’s nothing for me to tell you what’s on it.

I really dislike the notion that being married means you can’t have a life outside of that person. As much as I love being with and around Tex, I need friends besides him. Doing things without Tex gives me a chance to  miss him, and it gives us something to talk about so we don’t get bored of each other! I’ll admit that I would hate for him to take a trip overseas without me. But if  his boys wanted to do a weekend in Vegas? Eh…I wouldn’t be thrilled but  I wouldn’t stop him from going either. I trust him and he’s not going there to stay so what’s the big deal?

I think that in a lot of ways, marriage is something where you just have to jump in the pool. Whether you get married or not, nothing in life is guaranteed. I think that we spend a lot of time thinking about the wedding ceremony and all the ways the marriage can go wrong, and not enough about what type of person we want to support us through life’s struggles. Married or not, life will not always be easy. But if you believe in marriage, you shouldn’t let fear cheat you out of it.

 

Nobody says this, but…

Good relationships are a lot of work.

Not the kind of work that leaves you cranky and drained, but work nonetheless. I was shooting the breeze with my mom today and reflecting on the fact that things change when you get engaged. You look at relationships differently and people look at you differently. For instance, when it comes to dating woes I just keep my mouth shut because someone will inevitably remark, “That’s easy for you to say cuz you got a man!”

*le sigh*

I’m learning more and more as I get older that when people complain, 99% of the time they don’t want a solution or a new perspective, but validation of their feelings. I don’t do pity parties so I just shut up, which keeps me from being subjected to the same stories over and over. Women tend to act like relationships are just this magical fairy tale romance that clothes your life in glitter and rainbows. And I’ll admit, it is like sometimes. Every once in a while I’ll look at Tex or think about him and feel like my heart could burst with love for him.

Most of the time, things aren’t nearly so dramatic. And since we don’t see each other every day, we have to communicate ALL the time. Some people don’t think an hour’s drive qualifies as long distance, but really it does. There is no sulking until he gets the point because he might not see me for two weeks to get the point. When I get upset, I can be very cordial. I will speak calmly and evenly while seething inside and you wouldn’t know it unless you can see the subtle tensing of my facial expressions and body language. You can’t hug it out over the phone and there is no makeup sex (well I suppose there could be, but no, thank you).

My parents always told me never to be jealous of anyone else because everyone comes with their own gifts and problems in life. Better for you to have the ones that you know how to deal with. I fully admit that I am blessed to have met my future husband so early in life. I’m just as surprised as any of you! It was a whole lot of serendipity that put us in the right place, at the right time to be together. Also true, on the whole I’m pretty good at anything academic. But you know what I would love to be? A creative genius–one of those people who oozes art, poetry, and music, with perfect pitch and virtuoso talent. I would love to have charisma–to be the person who never met a stranger and can’t even imagine what an awkward pause is like, who is never at a loss for words and loved by everybody. I would love to be a sophisticate–the woman with the body and face that turns heads, eclectically elegant style and perfectly coiffed hair who can work magic with a makeup brush.

But I’m not any of those people. I can play decently well on the viola, I’ve written some poems that weren’t cringe inducing, I can socialize without falling over myself in self-consciousness and I’ll probably never be a victim of What Not to Wear. I don’t have everything I wish for, but nobody can have everything. God gives us challenges so that we can better appreciate the blessings. I wouldn’t want any of those things if it meant I had to wait another 10, 20, 20 years to meet Tex or never meet him at all. This is why I hate to be the object of anyone’s envy–the road to seemingly having it all together wasn’t quick or fun. I spent a lot of nights up late writing prayers in my notebook, wondering why I couldn’t just breeze through life like everyone else. But it got me to where I am today so I can’t be mad at it.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is through the roof…

But

 

Is Marriage for White People?

The analyview returns! I got a free copy of Dr. Richard Banks’ book, Is Marriage for White People from the professor who advises the BLSA group at Orange Law. It was a good read and surprisingly easy to get through; despite my impending finals, I managed to get through in just a few hours.

Thesis 1: The “marriage crisis” is not unique to black folks.

Hallelujah! Finally somebody said it, and it was a man, so people might actually believe it (true, but *eye roll* all the same). Marriage has been on the decline for decades now, and a lot of it has to do with the “success gap”–women both white and black are surpassing their male counterparts in education and income. However, the negative effects of societal trends are exacerbated in the black community by racial baggage.

Thesis 2: Marriage is a market.

A) The Man Shortage. We see the usual suspects: high rates of black male incarceration, interracial marriage of middle class, educated black men, and the success gap. However, he points out that the men who end up in prison are overwhelmingly not the men that successful black women are looking for anyway. The interracial marriage statistics are a bit more worrisome though–black men outmarry at three times the rate of black women (more than one in five black men, vs. less than one in ten black women). Finally, traditional ideas of marriage promote a male breadwinner. But given that black women earn college degrees at more than twice the rate of black men, and a labor market in which high wage industrial jobs are disappearing, that’s increasingly implausible.

Banks opens Chapter 4 with a bit of sensationalism on “man sharing”. He includes an anecdote from a physician with a largely black female population who says “Women are not surprised by the fact that their men are cheating on them. .  .  .They’re not shocked and they aren’t mad.”  o_O Really though??? So white women never get cheated on and when they do, they go slash some tires? Moving on, a 1980s study done at the University of Chicago did find that African-Americans were the least likely of all groups to have a monogamous relationship. In one predominantly black neighborhood, almost two out of every five men had simultaneous relationships with more than one sex partner. Now, the footnotes (I’m a history major and law student, how can I not read footnotes?) do state that these conclusions were drawn from much smaller sample sizes than that of the study as a whole, and thus the inference may not lie with the greater population. I know from the experiences of myself and others that man sharing definitely does happen, but I don’t know if I want to believe that women are just meekly putting up with it. Unfortunately, the rising STD contraction rates of black women and articles like this aren’t coming from nowhere.

B) Purchasing Power and Brand Loyalty. The simple fact is that middle class, educated black women outnumber black men who are the same. So black men hold all the cards, and they exploit them. It’s nothing personal, just human nature. Banks points out that many women put up with philandering behavior because they don’t want to be alone but insist on getting something out of the deal. In exchange for their acquiescence, they want expensive trips, dinners and trinkets. However, this perpetuates a cycle of distrust and discord. Successful black men now have three major disincentives to marry: the numbers on their side, women are supposedly gold diggers, and black women will remain loyal no matter what. Meanwhile, women resent men for expecting a lack of commitment with no repercussions, given that a woman who can’t carry on with multiple men without being deemed a whore.

Thesis 3: More black female led interracial relationships will benefit black people as a whole.

The same way competition forces business to adjust their prices and practices, competition shapes human mating behavior. A man who is less attractive will try to make up for it through humor, accumulating wealth, or other such mechanisms.So it logically follows that if black women outdated and outmarried in the same numbers as black men,  black women would step their game up and adapt to the new competition.

One of the biggest problems with black women’s determination to marry within the race is the inequality. Tyler Perry movies tout the “Blue Collar Brother” as the answer but the truth is, how many bus drivers have the heart of a poet? How many mechanics have the talent, drive and ambition to open their own auto shop and thrive? Marriages are based on shared values, and a weed smoking high school dropout who lives with his mama, or even the electrician with the associate’s degree who grew up in the hood, likely have little in common with a woman who went to an Ivy League school and works for a multinational corporation. That’s not good or bad, it just is. Suburbanite that I am, I’ll be the first one to admit that I dropped a potential suitor like a hot potato because he did a little “dope boy magic” in addition to his college internship. If the choice is ride or die, I’ll just walk. Basically, compatibility in a marriage relationship goes far, far beyond race.

At the end of the day, it’s about the children. Marriage isn’t what’s good for children–healthy, functional relationships between the two parents are. However, it’s hard to provide this stability between two people who are ill suited to each other. White middle class men arguably have much more in common when it comes to values than middle class black women and blue collar brothers. Furthermore, since white men and women outmarry at more equal rates and white men vastly outnumber black men, the man shortage disappears. Black women don’t have to settle for a lack of monogamy, and they can avoid the health consequences that come with it.

Thesis 4: It’s more than just numbers. 

A) Desire. At the heart of the interracial dating issue is the fact that many black women are either not attracted to white men at all, or just have a strong preference for black men–the way some men have a preference for women with light skin, long hair, or big boobs. What’s so wrong with it? Nothing really, and there’s no way to make someone feel attraction where there is none.

B) The Black Family. Some black women (like myself, admittedly) feel they have a duty to preserve the black family. As interracial marriages increase, we are moving closer to a beige America and some of us want to preserve the culture in our own small way. But the big issue is loyalty. Some women also feel that it would be a slap in the face to their beloved fathers, brothers and grandfathers to marry outside the race. The world still looks down on black men and it’s our job to lift them up, right? Well…not really. At least, not in the way that we’ve been doing.  Marrying outside the race doesn’t mean that you think black men are unworthy, and you don’t have to stop supporting the black community just because you marry outside of it. Black men feel no such loyalty to their women; marrying a white/Asian/Latina woman doesn’t mean to them that they love their mothers, sisters and cousins any less.

This is the really complicated bit. My sister is one of the few intrepid souls to try dating a white man; coincidentally, so is her best girlfriend! And they’re happy together. My brother and father don’t feel in any way put out by her choice. But many families aren’t as open as mine; in fact, some of my extended relatives still look at her boyfriend as an exotic and expect the drama to pop off at any moment. But even if they were to break up, that doesn’t mean interracial dating is a failure. Most relationships don’t make it to marriage, regardless of the two people’s race. Still, it’s hard to go against a lifetime of social conditioning, much less do so amid the objections of the people you hold dear.

C) Reciprocity. A study by the dating website OkCupid revealed that black women got the least responses to their personal messages. Closer examination of the data showed that other minority men–Native Americans, Asians, and Latinos–were all very likely to respond to black women, but black men were the least responsive, with white men in second. The racial divide goes both ways, and many white men think that women won’t be attracted to them. And black women are afraid of being treated as a fetish object. Their fears are not unreasonable–just look at the decades of sexual exploitation at the hands of white slaveowners, and the hypersexualization of black women that still saturates the media of today

Although Is Marriage for White People is a rather slim volume, Banks packs in a ton of information. I’ve merely summarized the main points of the book,  but I still highly recommend that you give it a read. While interracial dating is presented

 

Relationships are fun

They’re supposed to be fun, at any rate. But it seems like a lot of people aren’t feeling it. Maybe it’s just that we’re at a difficult age. In your 20s, you’re trying to start a career and gain financial stability, but as soon as you graduate and get a job people think you ought to get married. Heck, Jaleesa’s car battery ran down the other day and the man who gave her a jump at the gas station berated her for not having a man to do it for her. Really sir? You just gon’ try my friend like that? Because everyone just looooves unsolicited opinions about their life from a stranger *eye roll*

Apparently cuffing season isn’t going so well, because my Facebook feed is full of complaints. Women think men are walking ATMs. Men are too immature. Women are cock teases. Men are lazy. Each side accuses the other of playing games and being exclusively responsible for the generally poor state of relationships today.

What happened to the fun? What happened to butterflies and the thrill of going out with someone for the first time? What happened to dating just for the sake of it? What happened to not worrying that each boyfriend you have will be your last chance at marriage? What happened to respecting women and treating them like ladies?

Maybe I’m just delusional and none of that was ever the case. But I don’t remember having the depth and quantity of dating issues that I hear about! Admittedly, a lot of it is probably sheer dumb luck. I didn’t have my first boyfriend until age 18, and I’ve been with my now-fiance since age 20. In between I had one other boyfriend, and three or four guys who I dated and seriously considered entering a relationship with so that doesn’t leave a lot of room for foolishness to occur. Still, my relative greenness doesn’t mean nobody tried me. I just didn’t put up with it. I’ve never given my number to a dude who addressed me as “shawty” or “guhl”. I didn’t entertain talk about sex with anyone who I was still only dating. I didn’t answer phone calls and texts after 11pm, and I didn’t go out with anyone who wouldn’t open a door for me.

What I did do was keep things light. I never had a checklist of requirements, or a chip on my shoulder. I had no problem demanding nothing less than respect and gentlemanly behavior. If that was a problem, I politely bowed out with a smile and a “thanks, but no thanks.” At the end of the day, it was other girls who claimed that I had unrealistic expectations. I just don’t seem to attract guys who aren’t willing to at least try to step up to the plate.

Relationships aren’t easy. But they should be fun (most of the time), and if they’re THAT complicated? Maybe it’s not the one for you.

 

Doing dirt

Luke 12:3,  ”Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light.”

The modern equivalent to this is “What’s done in the dark will come out in the light.” But, that’s not always true. All of us have done things we shouldn’t have, and I wonder why it is that some people get off the hook, facing no consequences except their own personal guilt, while others get completely and publicly outed.

Maybe it all comes down to the level of personal responsibility, and a little bit of luck. People who realize that they’re doing something wrong, stop, and make genuine efforts not to repeat their mistakes are the kind of people who tend not to do things that hurt people on a regular basis. Thus, when they do something wrong, folks are more willing to forgive them. Or, maybe that just shames them into not being honest about their behavior and they cut out anyone in their life who knows their secret. Of course, those who consistently use and manipulate others, smiling in their faces while stabbing them in the back, do so much damage that it can’t help but catch up with them, and everyone they’ve wronged takes pleasure in blowing up their spot once they’re finally outed. Most people fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, and the severity of their consequences seems to depend on  the circumstances.

I came across a quote the other day, “One forgives to the degree that one loves.” That’s true, at least for me. I have a strong sense of right and wrong, and up until law school I used to see things in black and white. But in the law, individual facts–ie, circumstances–are the turning point. Furthermore, court is a zero-sum construct in which one person always wins at the other’s expense. Constitutional Law was way trippy but it made me realize that laws are a fiction, designed to keep the peace so that we have a sense of fairness and security at the end of the day. But how is the notion of a “law” any different from the notion of “love”? Not very, I think.

I’m coming to a point where I’m starting to realize how much I have yet to learn, both about myself and about the world. It’s hard to think outside of your own head, but I can think of situations in my life where I was in the wrong and didn’t know it, or denied it and justified it away. Does that mean I’m not a good person? Certainly not. We’re all selfish and pigheaded at times. I think what separates a “good” person from a “bad” person is ownership. If you acknowledge your mistakes, and try to learn from them so you can do better, than you are successful even in your failures.

 

My priority, your option

I went home over spring break and was talking to my dad about some concerns my mother expressed. Tex and I first began talking about marriage over a year ago, and she was concerned about Tex not being serious about me. I know she’s my mother but honestly she worries to much. I’m only 23 years old (hardly a spinster) and I’m with Tex because I choose to be, not because I have to be. I know for a fact that there are at least two guys just waiting for my man to FUBAR* so they can scoop me up.**  As in, two guys who have basically come out and said “You don’t have to be with that guy” and check up on me just to see if things have changed. I’m not  a person who believes in soul mates–I think that there are several people you can be compatible with and you just have to find one of them when the timing is right for both of you. Tex is truly my friend, and if we broke up I would be devastated. I would cry and mope and walk around in sweatpants and a ponytail for a month I’m sure. But I also know that I don’t like to be sad, and I love male company, so I would eventually move on with my life.

I suppose I’m trying to get at the fact that you should never be with somebody just for the sake of a warm body. My sister’s coworker has been engaged for 2 of the 8 years she’s been with old boy…but she’s moving out of their apartment because she needs some space. She doesn’t want to settle but she feels that at 32, she’s too old to date AND she only dates black guys.

Alrighty then. Have fun in your loveless marriage, ma’am. I don’t get why people do this to themselves! There are so many people out there in the world, and the vast majority are looking for someone to love. Not everyone believes in marriage, but very few people want to spend their lives alone…why be unhappy if you don’t have to? It just makes me appreciate that I continue to choose to be with Tex because he makes me happy. We have fun together and we challenge each other. At the end of the day, if we don’t have that, it doesn’t matter if we’re engaged, just dating, or somewhere in between.

 

 

* F#ck up beyond all recall, in case you didn’t know.

**Whether or not I would want them to do so is an entirely different question. But that’s not the point!

 

I’m checking out your lifestyle

I had a horrible day that was not conducive to studying–I barely got through a torts hypo and my last contracts reading–so it’s time to blog about something completely unrelated to law school. Woohoo! I was reading two of my favorite blogs this evening (Very Smart Brothas and Think Pretty Smart) and they presented two different situations that begged the same question: what happens when you and your partner’s lifestyle expectations don’t match up?

Ms. Smart astutely noted that women are criticized for considering a man’s money situation, even though finances are a common point of contention in relationships. Panama seemed to be (rightfully) salty about women who expect their boyfriends to pay for life’s little pleasures. I tend to agree. It’s bad form to expect your boyfriend/girlfriend to do husband/wife things. Now, if you choose to do that it’s your business. It works for some people. But if you expect things that are beyond your relationship, you’re bound to be disappointed.

Now, nothing’s wrong with asking your long term SO to spot you some money for an unexpected bill or emergency if you’re comfortable doing that. Besides, that’s a need. Almost all of us remember a time when something came up (or we were just plain irresponsible) and we had to borrow some money to cover a shortfall on rent. But if you have a job…heck, even if you don’t have a job, why does homeboy have to give you money to get your hair done? You know how to at least make it look presentable at home, right? You’d look at your man all kinds of sideways if he expected you to buy him the new Madden for Xbox (I’m riffing here so if that doesn’t exist, don’t crucify me in the comments section! lol).

It seems to me that women want to be selectively independent. It’s fine if you want to be taken care of, but a gilded cage is still a cage: everything comes with strings attached. Regardless of employment situation, if you’re married both parties should have equal input on where the money goes, but the final decision should rest with the person who’s bringing home the money. So if you’re a housewife, your husband has full license to veto your request for a $10,000 vanity kitchen renovation. If he’s a stay at home dad you can veto that $10,000 home theater. Building an emergency fund and socking away money for retirement is even more important when you’re relying on one income, so it’s not at all fair to demand a luxurious lifestyle that you’re not helping maintain. I’ve never been married though, so I don’t know if my scenario is unreasonable or not.

Coming back around to Ms. Smart’s point, I think it’s perfectly sensible to consider a man’s financial situation when you are dating, especially when you’re dating with the intent of getting married someday. You can’t predict how someone will grow and change over time, but if you disagree on key issues starting out I’ll bet you money it’s not gonna end well. For example, Tex and I have a markedly different expectations about the type of lifestyle a husband is supposed to provide. It’s not a major problem because his expectations exceed mine, and who can complain about that? I don’t have low standards but his parents worked in corporate America. My dad was a social worker turned independent consultant and my mom worked part time as a substitute teacher and church pianist. So clipping coupons and eating brand name cereal wouldn’t be a hardship to me–but if Tex and I ended up doing that he would feel like he was letting me down. Character is definitely crucial, but if you rank money in your top three list of relationship non-negotiables it does you no good to ignore it. If you have champagne tastes, marrying a teacher just ain’t a good look for your future happiness.

What say you, readers?