Out of Sync

I feel like I’m destined to live my life in reverse order of everyone else.

I’ve been a big fan of astrology since I was younger. I put no stock in horoscopes–I believe that psychics exists but I don’t believe that anyone can predict a person’s day to day life based on his or her sign. When I was 11 or 12, I got a mini astrology book for my birthday. I’m a Capricorn, and most of the personality traits fit me perfectly. But none of that is what I’ve remembered from that book.

Sixth grade was a terrible year for me. I was being teased mercilessly at school, to the point where I spent the last two months of the year doing my work from home. I ended up attending a private school for the next two years–I learned that sometimes, just walking away from a bad situation is the best thing you can do for yourself. But I digress. Needless to say, I was feeling alienated from my peers. I just didn’t get why I was being singled out. Sure I loved school, and I cared about doing well–but I also liked *NSync, and playing with makeup, going to the movies, and all the other typical middle school pursuits. The little astrology book said something to this effect: Capricorn ages in reverse. As others grow more settled in their ways, Capricorn becomes more youthful and carefree. Capricorns truly come into their own in the second part of life.

Those lines stopped me cold. Finally, an explanation! Maybe it wasn’t my fault that I had trouble relating to kids my age–I was just ahead of my time. That stayed buried in the recesses of my memory until recently. I find myself branching out and wanting to do many of the things that I didn’t before, and taking life less seriously. My classmates agonize over class rank while I think “Eh, it’s just a grade.” I’ve never seen the appeal in parties but I want to go to a lounge for my  next birthday. But it goes the other way too. Most folks start dating & sexing in high school and don’t get married until they’re approaching 30. I started dating at age 18, and am engaged at 23 to the same guy I’ve been dating since I was 20. It seems that while everyone else is starting to care more and more about what other people think, I’m starting to care less and less.

This is purely anecdotal, of course. But I still feel like I’m destined to swim upstream.

 

The morning after

I’ve been alternating between feelings of freedom and confusion.

The last 10 years of my life I’ve been on a plan–go to college, go to grad school, start a brilliant & fulfilling career. Now I’m in law school but have little to no desire to be a lawyer, or anything like being a lawyer. The realization just washed over me in a quiet moment one day…and it came to me that I should be a teacher.

The loved ones that I’ve told are understandably skeptical. My sister wants me to know what I would be getting myself into–apathetic students, absent parents, incompetent administration and tons of bureaucracy are a reality in public schools. Still, of all the complaints she has about her job very few of them are about teaching. Sissy teaches middle school orchestra & general music, and also gives private lessons on the side. Her private lessons are the highlight of her week, and there are always a few kids each year whose musical potential she gets excited over. No job is perfect, but if you can find joy in it even when the setting isn’t ideal–you’re doing what you’re meant to do. I feel the opposite about law– I could enjoy it, but only in the most ideal setting.

Tex thinks I’m not cut out to be a teacher. I can’t really blame him for that because up until recently, I wasn’t sure I was either. I’m not a big fan of little kids–I don’t want to talk down to them, but I can’t exactly strike up a conversation about Troy Davis with an eight year old, ya know? That’s why I’d teach high school or middle school. But when he asked me what happens if I end up hating teaching, I was bothered. Because I didn’t have an answer but moreover, it felt like he didn’t believe in me.

I’m smart. But just because I can easily absorb facts and patterns doesn’t mean I know the answer to everything! My whole life I’ve felt like people expected me to be perfect. The truth is, I have just as much angst and uncertainty as anybody else, I just don’t like going around emoting all over people. I need to work things out internally and in the initial stages of a problem, getting opinions from everybody & their mama is super counterproductive. Still, just because I don’t talk about all of it doesn’t mean it never happens.

I’ve worked off lists and logic my entire life. Heck, it took a pro/con list for me to decide to let Tex be my boyfriend in the first place! I follow my intuition, but then again, it’s never been in opposition to the logical answer. I know that quitting law school, or even finishing law school and entering a teacher training program instead of taking the bar seems CRAZY! I feel a little bit crazy for thinking it! Then again, I’ve got folks (one of them my legal writing professor) telling me that if it doesn’t feel right. Follow your heart, Jess says. You’ll do the right thing, says Mr. C (my former US history teacher). Problem is, I don’t trust my heart when it comes to career stuff because I’ve always been told it was wrong to have so many different interests. The world is all about specializing these days; the generalists that were so emulated during the Renaissance are now considered mere dilettantes.

ARGH! *kicks trashcan* I’m not good at feelings. But you can’t force an epiphany and I trust the right answer will reveal itself in time. Meanwhile I guess I just have to wait. (Patience is a virtue–yeah, God, I get it.)

 

Success in Failure

So I was walking around in a funk yesterday and I thought to myself, what if I just quit law school and became a teacher?

I thought about it all night. I thought about it all this morning, and looked up alternative teacher certification programs. I IM’ed a couple of friends about it. And I’m 75% sure I want to drop out of law school. Due to financial reasons, I need to stay enrolled through 2L year but I’m just not sure it’s worth it to stay for my third year. Let’s be honest, I really didn’t enjoy my first year of law school. But I wasn’t ready to call it quits because almost everyone hates it. I figured things would improve dramatically this fall since I got to choose my own classes. But aside from Legal Writing (my professor is really funny and talks more about life than the actual subject), classes are just something to get through.

I hate to quit something in the middle but I also hate to waste time on something that I no longer see a point in doing. I majored in history, so I qualify for an alternative teacher certification. My favorite teachers always said that I would make an excellent one, but I don’t think I was ready before. Teachers don’t just explain reading, writing & arithmetic. They’re mentors and role models too, and I think the best teachers are called to the profession the same way people are called to the clergy. I just think I would get so much more fulfillment from impacting a young student than from reading these dry casebooks all day (which I don’t even do half the time because it’s boring). I know I’m not giving 100% to law school, and it’s because I’m not excited about it. Even when I was bored in undergrad, I still tried my hardest. I didn’t come to class consistently half prepared because I liked what I was doing. I said on this very blog that law school isn’t supposed to make your miserable, and maybe I need to take my own advice.

Money is obviously an issue. I can’t afford to make ends meet without my loan funds and stipend, so I have to finish this year at least. But knowing that I wouldn’t have to come back for 3L doesn’t upset me in the least. It actually makes me feel relieved that I could stop pretending to care about all of this. I don’t regret the time I’ve spent in law school, but I came here not to be a lawyer but for the love of learning. And I think I’ve gotten out of it as much as I’m going to get. On the other hand, I’ve always wanted to help people. Lately I’ve been hearing all these news stories about kids doing crazy stuff and corruption in the school systems…and I think, who’s going to try to reach those kids? Burnout is high in the profession (not much different from lawyers, but with substantially lower pay). I doubt that I will teach for the rest of my life, but for the next 5-10 years it could be very fulfilling I think. Then I would probably go back to school for an MPA/MPP and start my nonprofit, which is my ultimate dream.

Like I said, I still plan to finish 2L no matter what but what happens after that is anybody’s guess. My family will be shocked if I go through with this, to say the least…we’ll see what happens.

 

The Paradox of Adulthood

*Note: I was going through my blog drafts and came across this post. I wrote it around this time a year ago, but it still rings true & I decided to post it.*

When you’re a kid, being a grown up seems like a magical process that makes your every wish come true. You can do whatever you want, eat whatever you want, go wherever you want. You are privy to those mysteries that elude you because you’re “too young to understand”. You’ll have money, and a car, and sure you might have to have a job but those don’t take up ALL your time. There’s still the weekend. And if you’re a movie star/writer/airline pilot/musician, then you’re basically getting paid to have fun, right?!? Anything is possible! But what you don’t realize until later is that jobs, even ones you enjoy, get tiring sometimes and that in between cooking, cleaning up, running errands and sleeping, the weekends are not always the adventure that you want them to be.

I don’t mean to sound depressing. I’m actually living the dream right now. I love, love, LOVE having my own place and now I completely understand why some people prefer to live alone. I prefer to cook for an audience and I don’t like being the only one who takes out the trash and scrubs the toilet (what else are men for? LOL) but it’s soooo relaxing to be able to come home and just BE. Nobody is waking me up early on the weekends or forcing me to make idle conversation because it’s polite when I feel like mutely retiring to my bedroom for a nap. Even law school has yet to get me down. I went to the library after class and completed my first ever law school assignments (reading for Criminal Law and briefing Torts cases) and I’m still convinced that I’m going to enjoy it. I do, however, reserve the right to change my mind if Prof. Torts publicly rips my briefs to pieces. I’m just sayin’.

Ultimately though, freedom isn’t free. Case in point: I decided to make an impromptu trip back to the A last weekend to get my hair done (and see Tex of course, because why spend money to travel just do the one thing?) My mistake was in telling my father, because he suggested that I spend the night. And then tossed in the fact that my sister was having a celebratory BBQ over there on Saturday.

*SIGH*

Suffice it say that a lowkey weekend ended up being a huge tangle of conflicting obligations. And that’s basically what adulthood is. You have obligations to yourself, your boss, your SO, your friends, your coworkers, your family, and the list goes on. Somehow you have to juggle all of these balls in the 24 hours of each day. And it gets harder when you have multiple groups of friends, and divorced parents who prefer not to be in the same room, and you’re a person who most of the time just wants to drink hot chocolate on the couch with her boyfriend and a fantasy book (preferably something involving dragons or werewolves. Yeah, I’m lame).

And so I’m brought back to my original point. I was discussing midlife crises with Tex today, and he countered  my claim that they were rather frivolous by reminding me that at midlife, half of your life has passed you by. And so all of a sudden you realize that some of the things you thought were possible, aren’t anymore. And he’s right. I had a rather sobering moment the other day when I was thinking about the three or four legal careers that I want to have–but then I remembered that I want to have a family too, and kids who aren’t mostly raised by daycare or a nanny. Which means that I have to give up one or two of my dreams in order not to give up a bigger one. It made me a little sad, to think that I may not get to be a hotshot defense attorney/erudite law professor/prize-winning writer/state senator/federal judge. Maybe I’ll just be a lawyer/mommy/PTA president.

But I’m sure that when I listen to my future son or daughter talk about their dreams, I won’t think that I made the wrong choice.

 

Predictions

NOTE: This post has nothing to do with law school so if you’re not interested in my personal life, just sit this one out.

I’m having a contemplative day…it’s chilly and overcast outside and when the sun isn’t shining, I always end up lost in my thoughts. I suppose that good weather brings me out of myself and reminds me to look out at the world and appreciate the moment.

Anyway, I’m currently in a strange limbo. Grad school is decidedly closer to adulthood than college, but you’re at the very edge of the buffer zone. On my day off I met Maya for lunch at a spot just off campus. I was looking at all the freshman and remembering being in their shoes, thinking about what I wish had known. At the same time, I know it’s pointless to dwell on any of that because I’m done. Then I look at the folks who are about to graduate and enter the working world. They’ve got some great gigs lined up. What if I had a different major, or been willing to settle for just a job instead of a career? I hate uncertainty. I know that there’s some great opportunities waiting for me after law school but I feel like it’s just gonna take so long to get there…

I’m at a perplexing point in my life. Everyone else just seems so very ambitious and I’m ready to be Susie Homemaker. I’ve always had this plan set in stone that I would get my career together first and worry about the kids…eventually. Before  30. But I’ll be 25 when I graduate law school so where does that leave me? The reality is that it’s very hard to off ramp from a career to kids, and once I’ve had a taste of glory I’ll be loath to give it up. I really think that once I start building momentum I might just put kids off until it’s too late.

I also have this nagging feeling that despite my best laid plans, I’m going to end up pregnant within the next 5 years. Hell, abstinence is the only foolproof birth control so it could happen. I just find that the more I am adamantly against something*  the more likely it is to happen. And there’s no way that I can bring myself to want to have kids before I’m 30. They’re a HUGE responsibility.

Part of it is that I crave stability the way other people crave adrenaline. Nothing makes me happier than schedules and organization. Some might call it boring but it sends me into euphoria. *shrugs* Yet my life thus far has been anything but predictable. I’m comforted by knowing that many other people have been in my shoes, yet I’m rarely in that position. It just makes it all the easier for me to believe that while my cohorts are off getting promotions, I’ll be on diaper duty…only to blow up ten years later when success is the new norm for everyone else.

There’s nothing to do in this life but live it though, so I’ll stop with the navel gazing and get on with my day. As always, feel free to chip in with your two cents.

 

 

 

 

*Once upon a time I was determined never to fall in love because love makes you stupid. I thought I could just avoid dating and in my middle age, marry a male friend I had no romantic feelings for. HA! Then there was the period that I swore up and down I wasn’t going to law school because everyone expected me to, and I was going to defy expectations and go into advertising because it seemed like more fun anyway. Double HA!

 

My side of the fence

As we left a friend’s graduation reception, Sunny and Maya asked me to come out to the club with them. “It’s your last night as a college student! You don’t want a last hurrah?” Maya asked. I shook my head. “Are you sure?” Sunny inquired. “Yes, I’m sure. If I ever think I’m missing something, I’ll let you know.”

The inspiration for this post was inspired by talk of Sunny and her new crush on the ride over to the reception. I have fond memories of going to random campus events looking cute, hoping to catch that special someone’s eye. There’s a certain thrill in getting dressed up for a first date. And it’s flattering to hit the mall in summer wear that’s just this side of scandalous, complaining about all the dudes trying to holler but not-so-secretly loving the attention. Summer is almost upon us, and with it a new wave of warm weather flings. The lure of the unexpected has a certain appeal, and I can see why some people love the single life.

But the question is…am I missing something after all? I won’t say I’ve never wondered if I’ll regret settling down early. No diss to Tex, of course–I love him and I’m happy. It’s been two and a half years and we’re still not sick of each other, which sometimes seems nothing short of miraculous. The thing is, despite what Sex and the City would have you believe, being single isn’t all hot parties and hot people. And bad dates aren’t always hilarious–sometimes, they’re just plain awkward (like the time I nearly got my face slobbed off while trying to unbuckle my seatbelt. Blech. At least dinner was tasty.)

That being said, no relationship is Valentine’s Day 365 either. As much as I talk about how great it is to be with one person who really cares about you, I don’t want to be one of those smug women who rubs her coupledom in everybody’s face. I’m not special because I have a good boyfriend, I’m lucky. And grateful too, because I know what it’s like to be single & think that your time will never come, and to be deliriously happy with someone one day only to be heartbroken the next. So instead of passing judgment on others, I try my best to simply enjoy what I’ve got. It’s human nature to question one’s circumstances…but as Porsche so memorably said, “If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet there’s a higher water bill!”

 

A sense of liberation or melancholy

I’ve been afflicted lately with a mild case of what Porsche dubbed “graduation depression”. Faced with my imminent exit from college, everything has renewed significance. I find myself analyzing the past four years with the kind of scrutiny usually reserved for breakups. Then again, this is a breakup of sorts, isn’t it? On top of that, law school seems alternately thrilling and terrifying. There’s a thrill and dread that comes with the thought of living on my own, starting over socially with new people. Anyway. Tex has reminded me that I’m being ridiculous. “You have nothing to worry about! I’m not going to forget about you and you’re gonna do fine in law school.” Essentially, he thinks that I haven’t been failing at life so far, so why would I start now? Good point.

I suppose my biggest disappointment is my relationship with LS. I know I’ve probably beaten this topic into the ground, but it’s hard to give up on a friendship with someone who you used to be thisclose with. Especially when the change happened virtually overnight, with no defining fault or explanation. Unbeknownst to me, by the time we actually had a falling out she had decided that we weren’t friends anymore. Or at least it seems that way. After eight months of ignoring the issue, then apologizing, and actively trying to make things right, my arm is getting tired from holding this damn olive branch by myself. So there’s nothing left to do but give up.

It’s hard for me, especially since in college I thought I had finally, FINALLY broken free of the female friendship curse that has haunted me since elementary school. It’s true that most people don’t have dozens of confidantes that they’ve known since childhood. But my oldest friend who I know and can spill my guts to anytime is Ice, and he’s a dude. I’ve had several female “best friends” but we’ve always ended up losing touch. It’s really frustrating, because no matter how hard I try we grow apart because we’re maturing at different rates. I’ve always had a mentality that was at least 5 years ahead of my biological age, topped off with the fact that I am a lot less emotionally driven than most women. The result of the latter was that being around guys was always easier.

However, I know that postcollege there my male friends will have girlfriends, and then wives, who may view me as threat no matter how obviously un-single I am. Even without that, it’s kind of weird to call your (straight) male friend every week to shoot the breeze. Dudes just don’t spend that much time on the phone unless you’re the girlfriend. And besides that, sometimes I do want to talk about girly things. There’s always Sissy, but she’s a grown woman with a full time job–impromptu Starbucks dates are just hard to fit in, even though we speak on the phone almost every day.

At any rate, I’m 12 days out from graduation and despite my mixed feelings, I’m mostly happy about it. This is a huge accomplishment in my life and I’m really ready to explore new horizons. My time in college has taught me a lot, but there’s nothing else for me to learn here. Law school will be a welcome change…

 

Nothing Everything

“Rows of boys and girls run out to seek the world. Candy coated promise, just out of reach when you want it. Give me something sweet, bring me to the brink. I’ll leave without hesitation, to a world without limitation–rock me patient, slowly….Don’t say you’re not amazed when you know you are. And don’t say you’re not afraid when you know you are…”- Mandy Moore, Merrimack River

Walking around campus over spring break, I felt bittersweet thinking about my impending graduation. I’ve spent my whole college career trying to figure out what I wanted to do afterwards…and now that it’s finally here I find myself looking back.

I used to be so naive. I knew it too, but of course the main stipulation of such a state is that you never know how innocent you really are until your illusions are shattered. Cliche as it is, my first love broke my heart but I’m glad that even then, I knew that my life would go on. In the words of Khalil Gibran, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.” I don’t know how tranquil I was, but I did drink the remedy…and when I put the bottle down, there was someone waiting to take me home.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, though. This school pushed my mind to limits I didn’t know it could achieve. I never would have thought that I’d understand derivatives and integrals, or read at least 5 different textbooks a semester and retain enough information come exam time to maintain a 3.0 GPA. I went Greek, and while my experience wasn’t ideal I’m still glad I did it. I lost the first friends I ever made at college, but made more than enough new ones to make up for it. I came to the edge of a nervous breakdown–and almost transferred schools because of it. But I looked over the edge and backed the f*ck up (lol!).

Lately I’ve been thinking that my life hasn’t quite followed the script I wrote four years ago, in ways both good and bad. I thought I’d be in another state getting an Master’s, but instead I’ll be working on my J.D. in Townville. I thought I’d be single, but I’m in a serious relationship.  Life has moved so fast and yet so slowly…I’ll cop to a bit of wedding fever, wanting the official engagement to come quickly so Tex and I could start our lives together already.

But then I realized, we’re already living it. In three years from now when I’m 25 we’ll definitely be married…and working, and paying a mortgage. When I’m 29 we’ll have been together for a whole decade and probably thinking about starting on those two or three kids we want. In ten years I’m sure we’ll have a baby. So why not enjoy being “just” boyfriend and girlfriend?

I also see how wrong I was in thinking that being a whole hour apart was such a tragedy. Since my school is so big, I’ve insulated myself with the 20 0r so folks I feel at home with, and yet I can go days without seeing more than five of them. Orange Law is comprised of about 600 students (200 per incoming class), so I definitely won’t have the option of being anonymous. Everyone I talked to there said that the people are the best part, and that everybody is pretty much friends with everybody else. Private school showed me that I tend to be a lot more popular in small groups, so I know the small environment will probably calm my nerves enough for me to socialize. And since I won’t be spending weekday evenings with Tex, I’ll have plenty of time to study, cook dinner at home, and work out (Get Right, Get Tight 2010 in full effect! lol).

I also spend any significant free time I have with Tex, and as much as I genuinely love spending time with him I know he’s been a convenient shield for me to hide behind. I know he enjoys having me around too, as he hasn’t complained (and please believe, he’s not shy about complaining when something doesn’t suit him). But in my last relationship I pretty much lived to please HWSRN. Tex is the complete opposite and caters to my needs, but I need to be on my own a little bit so that I can find a balance between being a servant and a trophy. Otherwise, how will I be able to hold on to my identity after I’m a wife and mother?

I guess that’s as good a place as any to wrap up. This has been a post of epic length anyway so if I don’t write anything for the next several days don’t hold it against me!

 

Too much ambition?

“You say look at my degrees and you look at my life…These guys are out here making all this money all these ways, and I’m spending mine to be smart. You know why?Because when i die, buddy, you know what’s going to keep me warm? That’s right, those degrees!” -Kanye West, The College Dropout

That was essentially the speech I got tonight from a young, black, female law professor. I’m here to interview for a scholarship tomorrow but tonight was a meet & greet dinner where all the candidates got to speak with current students and faculty. Everybody seems really nice (if a bit quirky) but this lady was way intense. She was railing on about how television turns your brain to mush and how setting goals is essential. Not that any of that is untrue, but the way she said it was so over the top. “When I came to law school I set a goal for myself that I was going to graduate in the top 10% of my class. And I did, and now I’m a law professor. You can do that too, but it’s a lot of hard work.”

Okay, standard motivational speech so far and nothing I haven’t heard before. Carry on.

“I was watching Project Runway and Lauren Hutton said that if you want to be successful, you have to work four times harder than the next person. And you know, I had to think about myself. I feel that I’m working hard, but not four times harder. I am always trying to improve as a professor but you know what? Those three, four hours a week I’m watching television I need to be reading up on my field. And when you get here next year, you’re going to see people going to parties and stuff, but you know what you can’t do that. You have to say no to the parties, no to the dates, no to the television if you want to be successful. It’s fine if you just want to be mediocre, and just graduate but if you want to achieve you have to sacrifice. But you know what, it’s only three years of law school and it’s not like your friends won’t remember you. They’ll be there when you get out.”

SCREEEEEEEECCCCHHHHHH!

About halfway through her diatribe I started thinking, This lady is crazy. I’ve heard all the horror stories about law school but frankly, I’m starting to lose my fear of it because I remember–I’m about to graduate from one of the best engineering schools in the country. A school which I argue is more academically rigorous than any Ivy League institution because there is almost zero grade inflation. People fail here, and they do so frequently. Most of the professors aren’t bending over backwards to make sure you understand the material so you often have to teach it to yourself. I’ve been writing research papers since my freshman year and I’ve taken several 4000 level classes where I got nothing less than a B, and I was competing with graduate students. So provided I do my due diligence, there’s no reason why law school should be something that defeats me.

But going back to the professor, her speech really bothered me because she seems to have lost all sense of having a balance in her life. She seems to be consumed with professional success and when I peeked over at her left hand there wasn’t a ring in sight. Now, for all I know she could very well have a boyfriend, but I really wondered given the fact that four hours of television in an entire week seemed excessive to her. I mean, your life can’t be all work. And I’m certainly not giving up my social life entirely for THREE WHOLE YEARS. That’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m supposed to be engaged before the year is out, how am I going to get married if I don’t see or talk to my fiance for the next three years? What the hell ever.

This is when I start to really believe that black women shoot themselves in the foot when it comes to dating. They ignore great guys for their career or in hopes of finding greener pastures (i.e., a model handsome dude with deep pockets) and then get to age 35 and wonder why they are single. Sigh. This myth that you can have everything is just a pretty lie. Men give up bonding with their kids to put in overtime at work and make sure they have clothes, food and a roof over their heads. Why do women think we are so special that we don’t have to make that choice?

Oh well. Love is one of those things that can’t be mandated. I’m just happy I found the one for me, and hope that other women will too.