Analyview of “500 Days of Summer”

[Note: I wrote this a little while ago and never posted it, so you get a real post today. Enjoy!]

First of all, this is much more analysis than movie review. Either way, if you haven’t seen the movie yet and care about spoilers, this is your official warning. Still reading? Okay then. Watching this movie was a trip for me, because Summer seemed like a female incarnation of HWSRN. It was rough watching the poor guy get his feelings stomped on because I know how it feels to be with someone who is perpetually out of reach. Basically, Summer is a temp at the greeting card company that Tom works at and from day one he’s captivated by her. He convinces himself that she’s out of his league, but with a little prodding from his friends and a lucky twist of fate they end up dating. In the first few months of their “relationship” he asks her what they’re doing and she says, “Who cares? I’m happy. Aren’t you happy?”

RED FLAG!!!

Later on in the movie, Summer is at a bar with Tom. She’s sipping on a cocktail looking bored when another man starts hitting on her. She refuses his advances but he just won’t shut up, so Tom punches him and ends up getting punched back. Once they get back to Summer’s place she acts distant and tries to send him home so she can go to bed. Joseph insists on talking it out since he got beat up for her and she coolly states that they’re “just friends.” Tom is understandably upset- they’ve been dating for three months, spending all their weekends together, exchanging life stories and of course, having sex. He storms out but she knocks on his door in the middle of the night to apologize for getting mad. They have a bit of a heart to heart that ends with the following exchange:

Tom says, “I want…some consistency. I need to know that you won’t wake up in the morning and feel differently.”

Summer says, “I can’t give you that. Nobody can.”

Damn if that is not the EXACT same conversation HWSRN and I had right before I broke things off!

The one thing this movie taught me (well, the thing it would have taught me if I hadn’t already learned by experience) is that people who need labels have no business being with people who don’t like them. It always signals an unreadiness for commitment, because a person who doesn’t want the option of saying “Let’s just be friends” or simply leaving you without explanation doesn’t have a problem with being called your boyfriend or girlfriend.

But to be fair, Tom should have known better. Summer stated upfront that she didn’t want anything serious and she never cheated on him. Although they acted like a couple, she never led him on by talking about their future together, taking him to meet her family or anything of that nature. At the same time though, I can’t help but think it was a bit selfish of her to get involved with Tom. He was clearly smitten from the beginning and was always trying to get her to admit that they had a deeper connection. It should have been equally clear to Summer that he wasn’t capable of a having a casual fling.

Life isn’t like the movies, but they sometimes they’re awfully good at showing people what NOT to do. So have you seen the movie? What did you think of it?

 

Clean Up Woman, or Why You Don’t Have a Significant Other

I was listening to my Old School Jams playlist on imeem when Betty Wright’s “Clean Up Woman” came on. I never really paid attention to the lyrics before; I had some vague notion that she was referring to a loose sort of girl who was taking her unwanted leftovers. Actually, it’s about a woman who took her man for granted and lost him to someone who loved him better. I asked Mr. Man, “Did  you know what this song was about?” and he replied, “I figured it out a long time ago. If you don’t treat someone nice then it’s easy for them to leave you.” Huh.

I honestly think that this dynamic sums up one of the key issues leading to the downfall of black relationships: ATTITUDE. Assuming that both parties are equally invested in the relationship, you get out of it what you put into it. So if you are loving and attentive you’ll be rewarded with kindness and devotion; if you’re harsh and neglectful you’ll  be similarly abused or left alone.

The problem is that so many people get hurt and then become jaded, so they begin treating relationships as a game. When love becomes a power struggle, everybody loses. If you love someone, there is no shame or weakness in telling and showing them how you feel. If they love you they should reciprocate and if they don’t, you deserve better. But by trying to maintain the upper hand you’ll end up causing the same thing you were trying to avoid: getting hurt.

Clean Up Woman – Leela James

Jumpin’ slick was my ruin
‘Cause I found out all I was doin’
Was makin’ it easy, for the clean up woman
To get my man’s love, oh, yeah……

The clean up woman will wipe his blues away
She’ll give him plenty lovin’ 24 hours a day
The clean up woman, she’ll sweep him off his feet
She’s the one to take him in when you dump him in the street
So take a tip, you better get hip, to the clean up woman

 

Fake it til you make it?

I downloaded a mixtape last week (nothing beats free, legal music kids!) and was listening to it, bobbin’ my head as usual until I heard a song that made me take pause. Link to the song and partial lyrics below:

Fakin It (Ladies’ Anthem) – K. Michelle featuring Missy Elliott

Verse 1:

He’s so bad I hate to see him coming, but I be frontin’, making him think he somethin’

Knowin I be lyin when I’m up-up on them covers, up-up on them covers, covers

Yeah, he be kissin me and yeah, I be smilin but he ain’t doin nothin for me, he ain’t got me wildin’

He ask me if I like it I say yeah, cuz he trying. I only do it cuz I love him but man, I be lyin

Chorus:

I wonder if he knows I was fakin’ it, fakin’ it

Last night I was fakin’ it, fakin’ it

Last week I was fakin’ it, fakin’ it

A minute ago but he don’t even know that I was fakin’ it, fakin’ it, fakin’ it

He don’t even know that I was  fakin’ it, fakin’ it, fakin’ it

He don’t know I was fakin’ it, fakin’ it

Thought he was just that dude but I was fakin’ it, fakin’ it

But I’ma just tell him, I’ma just tell him that I been fakin’ it, fakin’ it, fakin’ it

Fellas, if she looks like this before you're finished you're not doing anything much.

WORD?!? Oh, no. This is why people have affairs and break up–lack of communication about unmet needs. Ladies, if your man is an all-star guy but horrible in the sack you are doing him no favors by pretending that he’s rocking your world. First of all, if you’re gonna have bad chex you may as well be abstinent. Second, one day you’re going to get mad at him. It will probably be something insignificant, but you’ll be extra touchy since you haven’t been properly broken off for months and all your built up dissatisfaction will come out in a hideously bitchy exclamation like this:

“And all those times you thought you were putting it down? Yeah, I FAKED it! You may as well not be able to get it up ‘cuz you don’t know what HELL you’re doing with it ANYWAY!”

Um, yeah. There’s no coming back from that one girl. Honestly, there’s no good way to tell a dude that he’s not lighting your fire but if he loves you, he’ll get over it. Every man wants to please his woman but men can’t read minds. And what worked for his last girlfriend may not work for you. Let’s face it, female anatomy is complicated. You’ve got to touch the right place, the right way, at the right time when she’s in the right mood and THEN fireworks happen. Men are simple–apply friction long enough and you’ll get results. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed and a closed…um…er…never mind, you get the point. Just speak up! The way I see it, if you’re that embarrassed to ask for what you want in bed then you don’t need to be having chex at all.

What do you think? Comments make me happy, so feel free

 

Life lessons courtesy of Disney

So I was watching “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” today, and I realized that the real moral of the story is: Ethnic minorities are doomed to marginalization, priests are just as perverted as anyone else, ugly people end up lonely, and attractiveness excuses most bad behavior. The entire Disney anthology offers up many gems, some of them untrue, most of them much less cynical than the above. Such as:

1. If you love a man enough, he’ll change for you. -Beauty and the Beast
2. Pretty women are nothing but trouble. -Hercules
3. True love conquers all. -Too many to bother writing down
4. Love is more important than family loyalty. -Pocahontas/ The Little Mermaid
5. Tradition isn’t always the best way to do things. -Mulan
6. Someday, your prince will come, if you wait around long enough. -Sleeping Beauty/Snow White/Cinderella
7. Most people are terrified of the unfamiliar. -Pocahontas/The Fox and the Hound/The Little Mermaid
8. If you’re different, you can be friends but it will be EXTRA hard. -The Fox and The Hound
9. Never growing up is a viable option in life. -Peter Pan
10. The friend zone DOES exist, and you are not immune. -The Hunchback of Notre Dame
11. It’s okay to lie if you have good intentions. -Aladdin
12. Sports bring people together. -Remember the Titans/
13. You won’t always be the most popular person in your group of friends. -Toy Story
14. Fake it til you make it! -Aladdin
15. The bad guys always get what’s coming to them. -EVERY Disney movie ever made
16. Being overly virtuous is often counterproductive; sometimes you gotta get your hands dirty. -Pirates of the Caribbean
17. If your fiance is irresistibly drawn to adventure, just elope because your wedding ceremony will always get interrupted. -Aladdin/Pirates of the Carribbean
18. Overpopulation is SO not a big deal. -101 Dalmatians
19. Just say no to drugs and unidentified substances…you’ll regret if if you don’t! -Alice in Wonderland

 

Analyview* of “He’s Just Not That Into You”

I know I’m extra late–I almost never see movies at the theater. But I finally got around to watching HJNTIY and I must say, it was a trip. Such a trip that I actually had to take notes so I wouldn’t forget what I found to be especially thought provoking. I will go ahead and give the official *SPOILER ALERT* , if you haven’t seen this movie and you don’t want me to ruin it for you then click away now. Okay, here we go!

This movie pointed out a lot of the common sense things that I’ve been preaching for years. I know I’m not that old but whatever. There were a couple of gems that I wish I had known before I learned them the hard way. E.g., if he doesn’t call then he doesn’t care. Simple as that. But what if he got really busy? Or he lost his phone? You know, anything could have happened. But 99% of the time anything didn’t happen and he doesn’t like you that much. Here’s another gem–when a guy says “I don’t deserve you,” he’s trying to break up with you but make it seem like he really does care for you, but he wants you to be happy and it wouldn’t be noble of him to keep you unaware of his glaring inadequacy. Pish posh! If he really loved you (or at least respected you) he would man up and say that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

Anyway, the film provides an interesting cross-section of relationship dynamics. There’s Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck, a couple who live together and been dating for 7 years. Of course, Ben doesn’t believe in marriage and Jen does, so they break up. Ben later reveals to his buddy that he doesn’t want to be with anyone but Jen, and gets back in contact with her after her father has a heart attack. Jen realizes, through the juvenile behavior of her brothers-in-law, that being with Ben is enough because he’s more of a real husband than her sisters’ men will ever be. Since this is a movie, Ben surprises her with a proposal because he needs to make her happy, in order to be happy himself. (*tear*)

Then there’s Gigi (sorry, she’s not an actress I know by name!), who is perpetually single and chases after guys who don’t chase her back. She meets Alex while trying to track down her latest prospect, who happens to be Alex’s best friend. Throughout the movie he gradually becomes her personal relationship guru- he stops making out with a hot chick in order to answer her phone call; says he’ll set her up on a blind date with a guy who doesn’t show because Alex told him the wrong night; and invites her to a house party. Of course, Gigi thinks Alex really likes her so after the party she makes her move. She is cruelly shot down. Gigi storms off saying that although she may embarrass herself, she’s closer to finding love than he is. Predictably, Alex can’t get Gigi off his mind once she stops calling; and by the end of the movie he’s come to her apartment at 11pm to tell her “You are my exception.”

Finally there’s the convoluted love…square of Connor, Scarlett Johansson, Ben (not Ben Affleck! this is the actual character’s name), and Janine. Ben and Janine are married, and dull. He runs into Scarlett at the supermarket, and they are instantly attracted to each other. He tries to hold out, but her friend says “What if you meet the love of your life and he’s already married? Are you supposed to let him pass you by?” (Well, yeah, unless you want to be a homewrecking hussy. But I digress.) They have a giddy affair that ends abruptly when his wife interrupts them making out in his office. Ben hides Scarlett in the closet and in a delicious bit of poetic justice, she is stuck there listening while Janine seduces him on the spot. (Greatness!) After this incident Scarlett drops him and jumps into a rebound relationship with Connor, a poor sap she’s been stringing along for foot massages, hugs, and ego stroking (classic friend zone scenario!). He asks her to move in with him and they break up (but he still wants to be friends…IDIOT). Meanwhile, Ben and Janine end up divorced, which is probably for the best seeing as he only married her because she gave him an ultimatum.

Questions to Ponder…

1. Ultimatums. They get results, but are they ever really a good idea? (example: telling your college boyfriend that he has to propose or you’re breaking up with him)

2. Do exceptions to the rule really exist? I’ve never personally known of a couple who lived together more than 3 years, and then magically ended up getting married. Or a guy who was a real jerk to women, but found a really sweet girl and changed his player ways.

3. Do you believe in marriage? If not, why? If you do, would you be willing to forgo formalizing the relationship if that person said he/she wanted to be with you forever?

4. In the movie, Alex says that “the spark” is a myth perpetuated by men so that they could treat women badly and mask the anxiety that their game-playing induces as “chemistry.” True or false?

And here’s a funny quote from the movie, just to end things on a light note.
“You know, I really hate it when guys say, ‘I’m really jealous of the guy who gets to marry you.’ Well it coulda been YOU! I mean, that’s what I was leaning towards!”  A true lol moment cuz I’ve heard many variations on that theme. SMH.

*analysis + review = analyview. Yes, I make up words.

 

Pop Psychology: Black Romantic Comedies

The best jokes are funny because they are rooted in truth, and movies are no exception. Romantic comedies especially prove this point, because they not only present an exaggerated version of real life situations, but go on further to present an idealization of how we want relationships to work. Beneath all the humor and shenanigans is a peek at the way things really are. Black romantic comedies are a perpetrator of the Ms. Independent syndrome. Look at Deliver Us From Eva, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Two Can Play That Game, Something New etc. The female protagonist is bitter and focused on her career to the point of ignoring/suppressing her emotional and physical needs. When a good man comes along, she tests him relentlessly. Of course, his natural charm and easygoing ways are just the balm needed to mend her broken heart, and they ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

Now we all know that in real life, most men would just give up. The fellas love a challenge…but they don’t love having their egos constantly bruised with no positive feedback to soothe the burn. And while I agree that all women should have high standards, these movies send out a false expectation that the man of your dreams should love you unconditionally even though you treat him like crap. Sure, unconditional love means overlooking your flaws. But when you first get to know someone, making him deal with all your issues on the first couple of dates is a real mood killer. And if you’re already in a relationship, there’s no excuse for making him pay for other men’s mistakes. If you still feel the need to play games, you don’t need to be in a relationship in the first place!

That’s it for today. As always, feel free to comment!

 

Pop Psychology: Why You & Your Man Have Trust Issues

One of my favorite songs of the moment is Rich Girl’s “He Ain’t With Me Now Tho.” Peep the video here. As far as my personal dance anthems go, this song is to 2009 what “Get Me Bodied” was to 2006. It’s got all the elements of a club banger- it’s got a nice beat, a hook you can belt out at will, and the lyrics are girl friendly. However…the lyrics made me pause a bit. Let’s overanalyze a little bit…

(B-section)
Don’t want to feel like I’m inside a cage
So much is on my mind, no time to waste
And even though I know this is real love
Tonight, just watch me, watch me, watch me
Shake shake off the handcuffs cause I can’t wait

(Chorus)
Hey! Tell yo’ man you need some space
Turn your phone off, Put it away
Dont worry, he’ll be straight away
Hey! One more bottle, we’re gonna be faded
Pull the pin and throw the grenade
Dont worry, he’ll be straight away

Hmmm. A bit of space is healthy in any relationship, but turning off your phone, going out to the club, getting drunk and letting the chips fall where they may is irresponsible at best and disastrous at worst. That’s how people eff up a perfectly good thing. Dance all you want, but it might be nice to send him a text message to let him know that you’re all right and you’re thinking of him. I always appreciate it when I wake up to a text message saying “I love you, got home safely” when my boyfriend spends a night out with the fellas. It’s reassures me that he wasn’t blinded by all the scantily cloud girls who can dance better than me

Trust is an essential element in any healthy relationship, and you don’t build that up by turning off your phone and flirting recklessly at the club every weekend. If a guy were to do what Rich Girl is advocating, he’d be dogged out and suspected of having cheated for the remainder of the (doomed) relationship. So boys and girls, the moral of the story is:

Take your space, keep your friends and your hobbies and your life. A relationship should enhance your life, not take it over. But take time to nurture your relationship too, or you might end up back where you started- alone.