Doldrums

Losing weight is friggin’ hard.

To all those people who have naturally fast metabolisms, are gym addicts, or only ever crave completely organic and natural foods…congratulations. I am not one of those people. I’m in a crap mood today (nothing against Valentine’s, it’s PMS) and I need to vent.

For the past five weeks, I’ve been pretty steadily working out 3-4 times a week: hitting the gym or doing an exercise DVD before breakfast. I am NOT a morning person so this is a huge deal for me. On the upside, I can work out longer & harder without quitting and I feel good about making time to take care of myself. On the downside, I have actually gained a couple pounds (although my measurements haven’t changed, so it’s likely muscle). Still…*le sigh*

I have changed my eating habits, replacing junk food with more whole grains, fruits & veggies, but I guess I haven’t reduced my calorie intake enough. Sometimes it just seems like whatever I do won’t be enough and I will be stuck being slightly dissatisfied with my body forever. I don’t want to be skinny, I enjoy my body with a little extra padding. But if I could go down one or two sizes (roughly 30lbs) and get visibly toned, I’d be ecstatic. It’s not just about vanity either. Although I’m fairly proportional, I’m still an apple shape. Every day you read an article about waist size and heart disease and I don’t want to shorten my longevity because I refused to make lifestyle changes out of some deluded version of fat acceptance.

I know it’s not impossible, and I’ve shown myself in the past month that I am capable of successfully making better choices. These things take time. Probably longer in my case, because I was never the stereotypical, “Biggest Loser” person who NEVER worked out and ALWAYS ate the unhealthiest foods and I’ve been at the same weight for a couple of years. So naturally it’s going to take more effort to lose weight because I’m already reasonably healthy. It’s just that sometimes I get discouraged, and I don’t like talking to my other people because they’ll only say, “you look fine the way you are” or “you’re not fat” and that doesn’t help. I’m not doing this because I think I look bad…I just want to look better, feel less self-conscious and most of all be healthier. I’m taking steps in that direction though. One day at a time…

 

HSP

Over the summer I read a book called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. The premise of the book is that some people have an uncommonly sensitive nervous system.

The self-test is in the very first chapter (also available on her website) and I checked off 22 of 27 indicators. Huh. The test included such statements as:

I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days,into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation.  <— THIS!!!!

Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me,disrupting my concentration or mood. <— Definitely, and if I put off eating for too long I get a migraine.

I am bothered by intense stimuli, like loud noises or chaotic scenes. <— Reason #1 why I hate parties and clubs!

I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations. <— I like schedules because I have to prepare myself for social situations.

I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time. <— One of the main reasons why law school stresses me out so much, and why I don’t want to be a lawyer. Too much stress.

I have a rich,complex inner life.

I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells,coarse fabrics,or sirens close by. <— I can’t wear mismatched socks because my feet don’t feel the same, and I frequently cut the size tags out of my clothing because they itch.

My nervous system sometimes feels so frazzled that I just have to go off by myself.

All of this rings so true for me. I’ve always thought there had to be a reason why it takes so much out of me to be around people. It goes beyond being introverted, because I had plenty of introverted friends in college who liked to party. They didn’t do it as much as my extroverted friends, but when they went out they genuinely enjoyed themselves. I can think of only 2 parties I really had fun at, and that was because the music wasn’t too loud and they started before my bedtime (midnight, in case you were wondering). Usually I just stay home. For example, Tex went out to a bar for a friend’s birthday Saturday night while I watched Halloween movies on the Disney channel. And I was perfectly fine.

But back to the book. I really loved it because Dr. Aron laid out my issues in a way that de-problematized them. There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just different. “Everyone, HSP or not, feels best when neither too bored nor too aroused. People differ considerably in how much their nervous system is aroused in the same situation, under the same stimulation.” See, I’m not a crazy 80 year old hermit lady stuck in a 23 year old’s body! I’m just sensitive. I pick up on everything and my mind is going 100 miles a minute at any given time. Tex always tells me I think too much, I tell him I can’t help it. For me, everything important happens in my head and the outside world is something I’ve learned to live with.

The thing is, I very much like the idea of socializing. When I get a house, I want to host fish frys, barbecues, tea parties, game nights, and themed dinners. But I also want people to show up on time and leave by midnight so I can recuperate. With people (and by “people” I mean everyone who isn’t Tex or an immediate blood relative), there is so much work involved. I have to smile enough and watch my tone so that they don’t think something’s wrong. I have to talk more than I’d like to avoid seeming rude. I like in depth conversations, but those don’t happen in groups because someone tends to change the topic every five minutes. I like being around people, but the optimal amount of socialization for me is maybe four hours a day. I can deal with 8 hours because I’ve been forced to by the workplace and the public school system. But after that? No. It’s just too much information.

I’m very intuitive with people’s moods, expressions, etc and I like things to be at equilibrium. However, most people are NEVER at equilibrium. That’s why I spend so much time with Tex–I love him, obviously, but more than that he is soothing. Why? Because he is PREDICTABLE. He’s not overly emotional so I don’t have to coddle him the way I did my ex. And when he’s upset, he will tell me why he’s upset and then curse at the tv while playing Madden and that’s it, he’s back to normal. He’s very plain spoken–no hints, no grudges, no prying information out of him, all his cards are on the table. It’s not that way with other people. Dr. Aron says, “What this difference in arousability means is that you notice levels of stimulation that go unobserved by others. This is true whether we are talking about subtle sounds, sights, or physical sensations like pain. . . This greater awareness of the subtle tens to make you more intuitive.” I can sense all these undercurrents of things going on, and trying to ignore them–or alternatively, decipher them–while carrying on pleasant every day conversation is just purely exhausting.

I’ve often bemoaned my lack of a party animal gene. But it’s hard when your HSP tendencies make you loath to go to even regular social events, and you feel like a big fat fail because what’s your excuse for not going to happy hour at the bar/a football game/the homecoming step show/etc? People just label you antisocial and pretty soon you’re reading tweets or looking at Facebook photos of events that nobody bothered to invite you to. Not that I’m mad. It just sucks to be misunderstood. You could have played the Hallelujah Chorus in the background the whole time I was reading this book because it described me to a tee. It makes me wish that basic psychology was a required curriculum in school. People skills are so important, and I think we would all treat each other better if we just knew where we were coming from. At the very least, maybe if we knew more about ourselves we wouldn’t feel so angry and misunderstood.

 

 

Great Expectations

My parents can be so difficult.

I know everyone has their fair share of family drama. But at times I really wish I could trade some of mine out. I’m not going to get into all the details but one problem I have is with my dad. I feel like he expects too much from me. I called him tonight just to check in and he starts grilling me about how classes are going.

Me:Fine I guess. I’m in the lull right now.

Dad: Don’t you have another brief due?

Me: Yes, but it’s three weeks away. And I don’t want start writing it until next week when we finish going over the legal arguments stuff.

Dad: Well how did the first one go?

Me: It was good. I mean, he had some corrections because there’s always room for improvement. But it was mostly minor stuff, and he said I had a good narrative flow.

Dad: You know that’s what you’re going to be doing if you get a judicial clerkship. And you better get good at it.

Me: *thinks “Duh, I’m a law student so clearly I know what judicial clerks do* Yes, Dad. I’m working on it.

Dad: Well, work harder.

Me: *fumes silently*

Mind you, I went to his house for dinner Sunday and he went in for the umpteenth time about how I should have majored in Spanish and I need to brush up on it lest I be unemployed. Sigh. I wish I had taken more Spanish too, but I was trying to graduate in four years, build up my resume with leadership positions on campus, work a part time job & have some semblance of a social life. There just wasn’t time. I was always too burned out to take summer classes and my scholarships didn’t pay for study abroad so I couldn’t afford it. Obviously, being bilingual is a great skill to have but NOT being bilingual isn’t what’s keeping people unemployed–it’s the shitty economy.

I just resent his casual implication that it’s just so easy to do all these things. I don’t even like law school all that much (even though I daren’t tell my dad lest he accuse me of being a fickle child who can’t be trusted to run her own life) so the fact that I’m putting in enough effort to pull a B average is miraculous. I’m giving the most I can give at this point in life. After going hard since kindergarten I just want to sit down somewhere! Everybody else spent some part of their school years goofing off but I never did. And now, even the Law Review kids are struggling to find jobs/internships so what’s the point?

I feel like dropping out of the rat race altogether. As long as I can make ends meet I can live without a fancy title. I guess that’s why teaching is so appealing to me. Your not evaluated by the amount of money you bring in, or how many high profile clients you snag, or being judged for your lack of a designer suit. I would still love to work at a nonprofit but until I know where Tex will be working, I have no idea what organizations to be looking at whereas I can teach anywhere. Recently I’ve gotten back to creative writing, poetry & playing my viola. Those activities remind me that I am more than a reluctant law student, and that despite what the news tells you there is still beauty in the world…

 

 

Roadblocks to fitness

Well, I hopped on the fitness bandwagon this summer but I’ve been backsliding. The student life is anathema to balanced living, I tell you! Work was great because once I left the office at 5pm, I had a 7 hour block of free time all to myself. I could vegetate and play on the computer, go to the gym, shower, cook dinner, and still have time to catch my favorite tv programs.

Not so when school started. I got to choose the classes I wanted this semester, unfortunately, my schedule looks like a jigsaw puzzle. Early morning workouts are not a good option for me because I simply won’t get out of bed. Plus, I generally wake up hungry, but working out right after eating makes me nauseous. I’ve tried to work out on an empty stomach and eat breakfast afterward, but it just made me fall asleep in class. I still make less than optimal food choices, but I’d say a good 75% I eat like I’m supposed to. I’ve fluctuated within the same 5-10lb range for the past two years, so I know that I can eat relatively what I want and still maintain my weight as long as I exercise regularly. All I have to do is work out and cut down to 1-2 junk food meals a week in order to lose. It’ll be slow, but I’ll keep it off and deprivation just makes me want to give up altogether. A life without ice cream is not a life fully lived!

They say you do better when you put things in writing, so here is my action plan.

1. Start planning out meals for the week. (I did this during the summer and it was a huge help)

2. Do a cardio/strength for 30 minutes, three times a week at minimum.

3. Add in other activity by stretching every day and hula hooping/step aerobics while I watch tv on my workout off days.

4. Continue tracking my calories online. Nutrimirror is great because the interface is really clean and shows you the nutrients for everything you eat. 1600 calories of McDonald’s looks a lot different from 1600 calories of fruits, veggies and whole grains. For weight loss, quality of calories counts as much as quantity.

5. Concentrating on what I’m gaining in energy, health, & fitness level instead of what I’m giving up (time, yummy fattening foods).

6. Weighing myself weekly to keep track, but focusing more on indicators like endurance and how my clothes fit to measure my progress.

So there it is. I refuse to get down on myself like I have in the past; I’m going to think positive and keep moving forward. If you’ve got advice or encouragement to offer, please feel free

 

My priority, your option

I went home over spring break and was talking to my dad about some concerns my mother expressed. Tex and I first began talking about marriage over a year ago, and she was concerned about Tex not being serious about me. I know she’s my mother but honestly she worries to much. I’m only 23 years old (hardly a spinster) and I’m with Tex because I choose to be, not because I have to be. I know for a fact that there are at least two guys just waiting for my man to FUBAR* so they can scoop me up.**  As in, two guys who have basically come out and said “You don’t have to be with that guy” and check up on me just to see if things have changed. I’m not  a person who believes in soul mates–I think that there are several people you can be compatible with and you just have to find one of them when the timing is right for both of you. Tex is truly my friend, and if we broke up I would be devastated. I would cry and mope and walk around in sweatpants and a ponytail for a month I’m sure. But I also know that I don’t like to be sad, and I love male company, so I would eventually move on with my life.

I suppose I’m trying to get at the fact that you should never be with somebody just for the sake of a warm body. My sister’s coworker has been engaged for 2 of the 8 years she’s been with old boy…but she’s moving out of their apartment because she needs some space. She doesn’t want to settle but she feels that at 32, she’s too old to date AND she only dates black guys.

Alrighty then. Have fun in your loveless marriage, ma’am. I don’t get why people do this to themselves! There are so many people out there in the world, and the vast majority are looking for someone to love. Not everyone believes in marriage, but very few people want to spend their lives alone…why be unhappy if you don’t have to? It just makes me appreciate that I continue to choose to be with Tex because he makes me happy. We have fun together and we challenge each other. At the end of the day, if we don’t have that, it doesn’t matter if we’re engaged, just dating, or somewhere in between.

 

 

* F#ck up beyond all recall, in case you didn’t know.

**Whether or not I would want them to do so is an entirely different question. But that’s not the point!

 

A Prior ENGAGEMENT!

Well, Tex and I have talked marriage before but he finally popped the question so we are officially official! I knew it was coming–in true Tex fashion, he told me he was going to do it–but I still cried a little bit. Out of happiness, of course. I’m such a sap! I may seem unfailingly sensible but my heart is terribly soft, which is why I’m so selective about who I trust with it. Anyway, my mother is thrilled and couldn’t wait to go brag about it to her friends at work. My aunt wants to have us over for dinner and my section mates want to have a party so the madness has begun. Strangely enough, as badly as I wanted to engaged I haven’t started referring to Tex as my fiance. It just sounds so formal and while I consider myself a traditionalist, we aren’t ones to stand on ceremony.

We haven’t set a date yet since both of us are still in school, but I expect we’ll tie the knot summer 2012 or 2013. Either way, it’s not a long time by any means, especially judging how quickly 1L year has flown by. I spent a few hours browsing TheKnot.com the other day* and started fiddling around with a seating chart and discovered it’s like Tetris, but with people. And that unless our parents decide to bankroll the whole thing, we’re down to inviting only 10 friends each because my family alone numbers about 60 people, and that’s cutting it off at first cousins with plus ones only for the married couples. I know that Porsche is going to be horrified by my frugality when I start planning but as long as I look cute, his tux is sharp, and we have the ceremony at a United Methodist Church I couldn’t care less about matching the decorations to the invites. The Knot has message boards and articles for every aspect of wedding planning and there is so much tedious minutiae involved. I don’t need all that extra stuff! But I’m sure I’ll get sucked in because I’m a magazine junkie and the bridal magazines look like such eye candy…

But it’s still a good six months at the least before I have to worry about that stuff so I’m just going to bask in the glow of knowing that I’m going to be the future Mrs ___. It’s a good feeling

*Wedding stuff is infinitely more fascinating than the study of law. I’m just sayin’.

 

Armchair philosophy

I was sitting in my easy chair and with the late afternoon sunlight hitting my legs and thinking, the one thing they don’t you warn you about growing up is how much you change. Since I moved into my apartment a mere 5 weeks ago, I can feel how much I’m evolving. My thought patterns are changing, my opinions are being challenged, I’m applying the things I learned in undergrad in ways I never thought I would, and I’m living a lifestyle that seemed like a nearly  impossible dream five years ago.

I’m also realizing just how much agency we have over our lives. We like to blame outside forces because it’s easier–realizing that you can control your life simply by examining your active choices, and adjusting the passive choices you make (ie, how you react to things that just happen to you) gives you a power that seems scary. But as I recognize that power and learn how to tap into it, it’s become freeing.

Law school is terrifying and exhausting. But it’s also thrilling and eye-opening. I’ll be honest, it’s no fun waking up early every morning, spending countless hours reading and analyzing cases, and experiencing the gut-clenching, Russian Roulette induced fear every time your scariest professor is about to call on someone to brief a case. But I wanted to be here–I chose to be here–and I’m glad for this opportunity. I could have done the easy thing by staying at my undergrad institution for a Master’s, so I could be near my family and friends  and boyfriend in the city I love with all my heart. But doing the hard thing has opened up so many more opportunities for my personal growth, career, and social life (you don’t meet new people going to the same old places).

Two years ago I was ambivalent about what to do after college and totally unsure about what my life’s purpose was. Now I’m excited about entering the workforce and feel so close to stumbling upon what I was put on this earth to do that I can taste it. I never thought I’d be here but this is one happy accident.

 

1 week down, 13 to go

Today I just felt blah. I was bored, I could barely concentrate in class, I felt antsy. I fantasized about what my life would be like if I had taken the GRE and gone to grad school in the city. I had pangs of homesickness. I wanted a hug. And as soon as class was over for the day, I shot out the door as fast as my legs could carry me.  It’s only the second week in–I wondered why was I feeling so miserable?

Then it occurred to me that I’ve been doing nothing since last week but sitting. Indoors. All day. My undergrad campus was huge so I was guaranteed to walk at least a mile every day just going to and from class. My law school is all one building–like elementary school, but without recess. So when I got home, I put on my gym clothes, grabbed my earbuds and took a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood. I got my heart rate up and went uphill to work my quads. When “Walk this Way” came on shuffle, I even did a little skip. Then I came home and sang out loud while I cooked dinner. I felt a WHOLE lot better. I had a smile on my face and the thought of tomorrow’s classes didn’t feel like a death sentence. It’s amazing what a little sunshine and exercise can do!

Lesson learned–law students need playtime too. Balance is key to this whole law school thing–it’s easy to get bogged down in everything you have to do just to keep up. But I’m figuring out that I need to get as much as possible done in the library so I can have my evenings free to feel like a person instead of just a law student. So I dress up once or twice a week, tweet my friends, keep up with my shows, and talk to my boyfriend every day. Some people insist you have to give up all remnants of a life for three years, but I’d rather graduate with my sanity (and waistline) intact than the “perfect” resume. #kanyeshrug

Tomorrow’s gonna be a better day

 

Turf Wars

Returning to your parents’ home after living independently at college is always a disaster at some point. I liken it to turf wars–each side wants to protect the ground it has gained at all costs. For 9 months out of the year my parents have been enjoying low utility bills, low grocery bills,* perfectly folded towels, beds made up with hospital corners and empty sinks. I’ve been dealing with sloppy roommates (sloppy to the point where I’ve realized everyone’s notion of “clean” is purely relative), hastily throwing the covers back on my bed as I rush to class, keeping the a/c and heat on blast 24/7,  and leaving everything plugged in. There’s bound to be some conflict.

Now, I don’t argue that a clean house is important. Chopping vegetables next to a sink full of dirty dishes is gross, and so are stoves encrusted with grime. I’m not arguing that. But as long as the towel is on the rack, what does it matter if it’s folded? If the sheets are in the linen closet who cares if they’re folded in eighths or fourths? If I make my bed up perfectly, then briefly sit on it leaving a wrinkle, why is it as if the bed was never made? I swear they can hear germs, because if there is one smudge on the sink the whole bathroom has to be Cloroxed to within an inch of my life.

You can’t win against a campaign as thorough as theirs, so I long ago conceded defeat. At least POWs get free meals. But one thing I will never, ever understand is their refusal to turn on the air in the middle of summer, all to save a few bucks. For the love of God, it’s June in Georgia!** PLEASE turn on the a/c before my skin starts to look like bacon!

Of course, it’s only a matter of (49) days before I have to start paying my own utility bill, which I’m sure will make me reconsider whether I really need to have my room at 65 degrees before I go to sleep. But freedom has a price, right? I’m pretty sure mine will be paying $80/mo for air conditioning.

*No lie, they live on coffee, fruit and dinner. That’s it. This summer they’ve finally managed  to grasp the fact that since I have the metabolism they had 40 years ago, I’m not being greedy when I eat 3 times a day plus a snack or two. I’m legitimately hungry.

**FYI, our summer temperatures consistently hit 90 and above from June through August. Opening a window does jack diddly squat to cool off the house because there is no breeze (unless you’re in Savannah). And when it rains, it’s usually so hot that the water turns into steam when it hits the ground. Mmmm, refreshing!

 

Nothing Everything

“Rows of boys and girls run out to seek the world. Candy coated promise, just out of reach when you want it. Give me something sweet, bring me to the brink. I’ll leave without hesitation, to a world without limitation–rock me patient, slowly….Don’t say you’re not amazed when you know you are. And don’t say you’re not afraid when you know you are…”- Mandy Moore, Merrimack River

Walking around campus over spring break, I felt bittersweet thinking about my impending graduation. I’ve spent my whole college career trying to figure out what I wanted to do afterwards…and now that it’s finally here I find myself looking back.

I used to be so naive. I knew it too, but of course the main stipulation of such a state is that you never know how innocent you really are until your illusions are shattered. Cliche as it is, my first love broke my heart but I’m glad that even then, I knew that my life would go on. In the words of Khalil Gibran, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.” I don’t know how tranquil I was, but I did drink the remedy…and when I put the bottle down, there was someone waiting to take me home.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, though. This school pushed my mind to limits I didn’t know it could achieve. I never would have thought that I’d understand derivatives and integrals, or read at least 5 different textbooks a semester and retain enough information come exam time to maintain a 3.0 GPA. I went Greek, and while my experience wasn’t ideal I’m still glad I did it. I lost the first friends I ever made at college, but made more than enough new ones to make up for it. I came to the edge of a nervous breakdown–and almost transferred schools because of it. But I looked over the edge and backed the f*ck up (lol!).

Lately I’ve been thinking that my life hasn’t quite followed the script I wrote four years ago, in ways both good and bad. I thought I’d be in another state getting an Master’s, but instead I’ll be working on my J.D. in Townville. I thought I’d be single, but I’m in a serious relationship.  Life has moved so fast and yet so slowly…I’ll cop to a bit of wedding fever, wanting the official engagement to come quickly so Tex and I could start our lives together already.

But then I realized, we’re already living it. In three years from now when I’m 25 we’ll definitely be married…and working, and paying a mortgage. When I’m 29 we’ll have been together for a whole decade and probably thinking about starting on those two or three kids we want. In ten years I’m sure we’ll have a baby. So why not enjoy being “just” boyfriend and girlfriend?

I also see how wrong I was in thinking that being a whole hour apart was such a tragedy. Since my school is so big, I’ve insulated myself with the 20 0r so folks I feel at home with, and yet I can go days without seeing more than five of them. Orange Law is comprised of about 600 students (200 per incoming class), so I definitely won’t have the option of being anonymous. Everyone I talked to there said that the people are the best part, and that everybody is pretty much friends with everybody else. Private school showed me that I tend to be a lot more popular in small groups, so I know the small environment will probably calm my nerves enough for me to socialize. And since I won’t be spending weekday evenings with Tex, I’ll have plenty of time to study, cook dinner at home, and work out (Get Right, Get Tight 2010 in full effect! lol).

I also spend any significant free time I have with Tex, and as much as I genuinely love spending time with him I know he’s been a convenient shield for me to hide behind. I know he enjoys having me around too, as he hasn’t complained (and please believe, he’s not shy about complaining when something doesn’t suit him). But in my last relationship I pretty much lived to please HWSRN. Tex is the complete opposite and caters to my needs, but I need to be on my own a little bit so that I can find a balance between being a servant and a trophy. Otherwise, how will I be able to hold on to my identity after I’m a wife and mother?

I guess that’s as good a place as any to wrap up. This has been a post of epic length anyway so if I don’t write anything for the next several days don’t hold it against me!