Happy New Year!

It’s 2012 and I’m excited, despite all of the predictions for the Apocalypse. (Did anyone ever consider that maybe the Mayans just got tired of counting up?) I have several goals for this year and for once, I wrote them down. Generally, they are to

1. Eat more fruits & veggies
2. Drink more water
3. Exercise at least 150 min/wk
4. Incorporate strength training 2x/wk
5. Limit the use of heat on my hair
6. Cut back on frivolous spending
7. Engage more with my schoolwork

In my own personal notes, I have scheduled specific days for workouts (I’m going to become a morning gym rat because I get too easily sidetracked after class); linked my accounts and created a budget with Learnvest.com; and picked a class schedule that will hopefully keep me from getting too overwhelmed. The lack of 8:30am classes will improve my knowledge retention enormously on its own.

2012 is the year of me getting my life together, because I won’t have time to in 2013–law school graduation, the bar exam, and likely a wedding? I get tired just thinking about it. But the engagement party will be this summer(!!!), which is a good incentive for me to stick to my fitness because I want to look sexy in the pictures with my luxurious natural coils. It’s really about long term health though–your metabolism drops from age 25 on, and I want a diabetes/heart attack/stroke-free middle and old age. Lastly, I have a newfound interest in family law so I need to work on my grades to be more competitive. There’s no sense in sabotaging myself.

In other news, the holidays were fun. I got a bunch of Macy’s gift cards that I’m saving for when the shopping bug hits, and some new books. Visiting Tex’s family was super chill and relaxing. I hung out with Sissy today and she dropped the bomb that although she’s not engaged, she and her beau are planning to get there in the near future! I’m psyched. Her Christmas gift was an ancestry DNA test–I am part Nigerian (Yoruba tribe) and French on my mom’s side of the family. I know nothing of Nigeria, but it’s so great to be able to reclaim part of the heritage that slavery stole from me. I’m not just “regular” black with no roots anymore. Sure I’m part Muskogee, but they don’t have any reservations to my knowledge. So that was a gift that kept on giving and shows how considerate he is. I’m happy for her. I also met my brother’s new girlfriend, who I like a lot more than his last one (no diss, but they just weren’t compatible in my eyes).

All in all it’s been an eye opening time for me. I get my wisdom teeth out on Friday (let’s all pray that the anesthesia doesn’t kill me) and then I have another week of rest & recuperation before school starts back up. I really want to live more purposefully this year. I’m responsible for my own health, wealth and happiness and I will act like that.

 

Justice can see just fine

 

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. I am not licensed to give legal advice. This is a commentary on basic theories put forth in legal education. Absolutely nothing in this post or this blog should be construed as legal advice.

Alrighty then, let’s get to it. As a black person, law school completely shatters any remaining notions you may have had that justice is blind and impartial. Bullshiggity. As my AP US History teacher told us, “The Constitution was written by and for rich white male property owners.” Despite amendments to the contrary, it remains that way in fact. The problem is not so much with the machinations of the legal system as with access. Except for cases of criminal defendants, lawyers ain’t free. You gotta pay to play in the court system.

Sometimes (okay, make that a lot of times), what’s legal isn’t always right or fair. For instance, unless you work for the government your boss can do just about anything short of harassment. Unpaid overtime? Consistently changing your hours at the last minute? Making you reschedule your vacation even though you put in for it six months ago and have someone to cover your work? All legal, and doubly so if you’re in an “at will” employment state (meaning you don’t sign a contract to work for them). So what if that baby isn’t yours…if you were married when she was born, you gotta take care of her (assumed paternity). If you promised your baby mama that you’d pay child support as long as she didn’t take you to court and later found out you weren’t the father…sorry, you’re a daddy now! Pay up.*

The latest legal issue to irk me is the Wal-Mart wage discrimination case. The Supreme Court denied class action certification** because the class, which was thousands of female employees, was unmanageably large. Having just finished my second semester of Civil Procedure, my legal mind gets it. We owe fairness to the defendant as well as the plaintiffs, and trying to decide how to provide relief in the form of money damages would be problematic. Trying to prove that Walmart had an overarching policy of discrimination that trickled down into the management of hundreds of thousands of stores, is problematic. However, Walmart is a multibillion dollar international corporation. In order to ensure efficiency and uniformity of management, common sense says that if you can find more than one store in more than one state that discriminates against women, they’re all doing it. At any case, that’t the crux of the issue to be tried! Courts are supposed to be efficient, but we live in a world of Big Business and the courts have a responsibility to adjudicate the big messes they create. And they shouldn’t get to brush off a case simply because it would be hard to prosecute.

 

*How in the world you can sleep with two men before getting pregnant and believe one to definitely be the father “in good faith” is patently ridiculous to me.

 

Doing dirt

Luke 12:3,  ”Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light.”

The modern equivalent to this is “What’s done in the dark will come out in the light.” But, that’s not always true. All of us have done things we shouldn’t have, and I wonder why it is that some people get off the hook, facing no consequences except their own personal guilt, while others get completely and publicly outed.

Maybe it all comes down to the level of personal responsibility, and a little bit of luck. People who realize that they’re doing something wrong, stop, and make genuine efforts not to repeat their mistakes are the kind of people who tend not to do things that hurt people on a regular basis. Thus, when they do something wrong, folks are more willing to forgive them. Or, maybe that just shames them into not being honest about their behavior and they cut out anyone in their life who knows their secret. Of course, those who consistently use and manipulate others, smiling in their faces while stabbing them in the back, do so much damage that it can’t help but catch up with them, and everyone they’ve wronged takes pleasure in blowing up their spot once they’re finally outed. Most people fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, and the severity of their consequences seems to depend on  the circumstances.

I came across a quote the other day, “One forgives to the degree that one loves.” That’s true, at least for me. I have a strong sense of right and wrong, and up until law school I used to see things in black and white. But in the law, individual facts–ie, circumstances–are the turning point. Furthermore, court is a zero-sum construct in which one person always wins at the other’s expense. Constitutional Law was way trippy but it made me realize that laws are a fiction, designed to keep the peace so that we have a sense of fairness and security at the end of the day. But how is the notion of a “law” any different from the notion of “love”? Not very, I think.

I’m coming to a point where I’m starting to realize how much I have yet to learn, both about myself and about the world. It’s hard to think outside of your own head, but I can think of situations in my life where I was in the wrong and didn’t know it, or denied it and justified it away. Does that mean I’m not a good person? Certainly not. We’re all selfish and pigheaded at times. I think what separates a “good” person from a “bad” person is ownership. If you acknowledge your mistakes, and try to learn from them so you can do better, than you are successful even in your failures.

 

A sense of liberation or melancholy

I’ve been afflicted lately with a mild case of what Porsche dubbed “graduation depression”. Faced with my imminent exit from college, everything has renewed significance. I find myself analyzing the past four years with the kind of scrutiny usually reserved for breakups. Then again, this is a breakup of sorts, isn’t it? On top of that, law school seems alternately thrilling and terrifying. There’s a thrill and dread that comes with the thought of living on my own, starting over socially with new people. Anyway. Tex has reminded me that I’m being ridiculous. “You have nothing to worry about! I’m not going to forget about you and you’re gonna do fine in law school.” Essentially, he thinks that I haven’t been failing at life so far, so why would I start now? Good point.

I suppose my biggest disappointment is my relationship with LS. I know I’ve probably beaten this topic into the ground, but it’s hard to give up on a friendship with someone who you used to be thisclose with. Especially when the change happened virtually overnight, with no defining fault or explanation. Unbeknownst to me, by the time we actually had a falling out she had decided that we weren’t friends anymore. Or at least it seems that way. After eight months of ignoring the issue, then apologizing, and actively trying to make things right, my arm is getting tired from holding this damn olive branch by myself. So there’s nothing left to do but give up.

It’s hard for me, especially since in college I thought I had finally, FINALLY broken free of the female friendship curse that has haunted me since elementary school. It’s true that most people don’t have dozens of confidantes that they’ve known since childhood. But my oldest friend who I know and can spill my guts to anytime is Ice, and he’s a dude. I’ve had several female “best friends” but we’ve always ended up losing touch. It’s really frustrating, because no matter how hard I try we grow apart because we’re maturing at different rates. I’ve always had a mentality that was at least 5 years ahead of my biological age, topped off with the fact that I am a lot less emotionally driven than most women. The result of the latter was that being around guys was always easier.

However, I know that postcollege there my male friends will have girlfriends, and then wives, who may view me as threat no matter how obviously un-single I am. Even without that, it’s kind of weird to call your (straight) male friend every week to shoot the breeze. Dudes just don’t spend that much time on the phone unless you’re the girlfriend. And besides that, sometimes I do want to talk about girly things. There’s always Sissy, but she’s a grown woman with a full time job–impromptu Starbucks dates are just hard to fit in, even though we speak on the phone almost every day.

At any rate, I’m 12 days out from graduation and despite my mixed feelings, I’m mostly happy about it. This is a huge accomplishment in my life and I’m really ready to explore new horizons. My time in college has taught me a lot, but there’s nothing else for me to learn here. Law school will be a welcome change…

 

Like

It’s very important to like your partner. I think that’s what’s missing in a lot of relationships today.

Anybody who’s ever been to church has probably heard the whole Corinthians 13 “Love is patient, love is kind, etc etc” deal. But the fact is, we’re human. We mess stuff up and we make everything complicated, up to and including love. If that weren’t the case, why is it that we we can love someone and still do the thing we know hurts them the most, out of temporary anger or selfishness? Shoot, we say things to people we love that we wouldn’t say to the jackass who cut us off in the turning lane! Why is it that we break up with somebody because, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore”? Why is it that the symptoms of love can easily be confused with those of the stomach flu?!?

And even aside from all of that,  it can be real hard to sustain a  divine, unconditional love on a day to day to basis for years and years. We get tired, stressed out, bored, exhausted, and distracted. I’m not trying to say that marriage is supposed to be miserable. Not at all. But over the course of a lifetime you experience a lot of things, not all of them positive.

My grandparents have been married for over 50 years. They raised 6 kids together. Both of them had to work and at one point my grandfather held down THREE jobs to put food on the table. They’ve had the same house for their entire marriage and while it’s not tiny, eight people under one roof is enough to make any home feel crowded. I’m sure that they didn’t spend every single day looking at each other all googly eyed, swooning over each other’s every movement. I know this because I’ve seen them sniping at each other! But even in the midst of getting on each other’s nerves, I can tell that they still like each other. Because when it becomes apparent that nobody’s winning the argument, one of them shuts up. A few minutes later, the other one cracks a joke and everything is back to normal.

See, when you like each other it doesn’t matter that the sparkle wears off. Even when you’re not getting as much quality time as you want to because life got in the way, there’s still no place you’d rather be because sometimes, it’s enough to just ask about each other’s day and fall asleep holding hands. Like is what gets you through until love comes back, googly eyes and swoons in tow.

 

Reconnecting

You know, friends are really the spice in the soup of one’s life. Work is the hamhock (essential for getting by, but it can get in the way), family is the meat and lovers are the vegetables. Alone, these three elements make a hearty, filling stew. But the spices add a whole new dimension of possibilities. The right ones (those friends who support and encourage you) can make it absolutely delicious. But the wrong ones (friends who bring drama or frenemies who try to bring you down) make you want throw the whole pot out and start over!

I was reminded of that yesterday after spending some quality time with Maya in the craft center, making Valentines (we’re still children at heart!). We haven’t hung out together since my birthday, and that was a group affair so we didn’t really have bonding time. But it was nice to catch up, make jokes and discuss our respective SOs. I’m really glad that we patched up our disagreement from last fall, because Maya is one of the best friends I’ve had in my life. She’s the only friend I’ve ever fought with and been able to make up without any underlying awkwardness or distance. Friends like that don’t come along too often so I’m always grateful for them. It also made me glad that I bothered to pick up the phone and call her today, instead of texting or tweeting or Facebooking. You just don’t get that same feeling of camaraderie from words on a screen. Today was even better, because Sunny was off from work so we were a trio once again! We went to Gail K’s to get fabric for the graduation dress Maya is making me (it’s a beautiful yellow with a lacy bodice and floaty tulip skirt). Then we hit up Tin Drum, my favorite Asian spot in the city. From there it was onto DSW, where Maya and I got matching boots (hers are brown, mine are black) and then H&M. It was a really great day, and just the pick me up I needed– my econ test and the cold, rainy weather had me in a bit of a funk.

I also went to lunch with LS and our old ADP, who got married soon after we crossed and went inactive for a couple of years. She was the sole member of grad chapter who really understood me, so it was great to catch up with her. LS was pleasant too, and we managed not to have awkward pauses in conversation. She’ll be moving up North after graduation, working as an analyst for an investment banking firm and it just so happens that her ain’t sh*t boyfriend is going to law school in the same city. She wants to move in with him and frankly I’m skeptical–I think something is seriously wrong with dude and that he has a depressive, controlling personality. But all I can do is pray for her.

So how about you, readers? Are there any people in your life that you’ve reconnected with this year? Was the reunion good or bad? Do tell!

 

22

Today is my 22nd birthday. The number feels strange because a) I had juuust gotten used to being 21 and b) since 22 isn’t one of those milestone years where you get to drive, or vote, or buy alcohol I never really had a vision for what I’d be like at this age. That being said, I’m really, really happy. I’ve let some things (and people) go, and I feel so much lighter. I’m profoundly appreciative of having made it through college, and having dealt with difficult situations without becoming someone I didn’t like. And while Mr. Man and I have always had a good relationship, something about it just feels more settled somehow. Like something just gelled and we finally found our groove. It’s not like the early days when I was plagued with worries that his niceness was only temporary and he would ultimately end up like HWSRN. I’ll be eternally grateful that God gave me enough peace to let things be and give him a chance. This whole month I’ve just been filled to the brim with happiness and love, so much so that I haven’t had time to worry about anything for once in my life!

Yesterday I had a dinner party at this lovely little southern restaurant downtown (Mary Mac’s Tea Room- consider yourself put on). About 35 people RSVP’d, about 20 people actually came. But you know what? It didn’t bother me because I was surrounded with 20 people who encourage me, make me laugh and who wanted to help me celebrate my birthday. So it was all good.

I suppose you’re wondering if LS showed her face, since we patched things up. Wellll…no. No, she didn’t. No birthday wishes as of yet either. Perhaps she didn’t get (either of) my invitation. Or she could have been out celebrating our sorority’s Founders Day. But I refuse to take it personally. I never expected her to even admit she was wrong, and it’s long road from just being cordial to really being friends. Everybody isn’t meant to be your BFF for a lifetime and we might have had one of those “season” friendships. Or she could come around 10 years from now, who knows? Whatever the case, that blip on the radar isn’t going to take away from the fact that right now, I love my life. And that feeling is priceless.

 

The Parable of the Talents

I sometimes wonder why some people get so jealous of others. Having been the target of envy for much of my childhood, it just puzzled me. Sure, I could finish my assignments in half the time as everybody else and get straight A’s, and yes, I could sing and play viola well and even dabbled in piano. But so what? When I was younger, I would have given anything to be like Sissy, Skeletor and my dad. They have magnetic personalities and almost everyone instantly likes them. They’re the type of people who never meet a stranger and can strike up a conversation with anyone. For me, meeting new people is a trial. It’s tiring, nerve wracking, and I’m always profoundly relieved when the conversation is over and I’ve managed to come off as somewhat normal. Sissy is also good at art. Anything crafty or creative comes naturally to her, just like it does to my mom. Maya is great at doing hair and sewing, which can both be immediately  lucrative wherever you are (unlike merely being good at school, like I am). My stepmom can duplicate almost any recipe just by tasting it; she’s an absolute wizard in the kitchen!

My friend Ice played football in high school; he discovered that it was too time consuming for him to pursue in college even though he made the team. Athletics have never been my strong suit. I was pretty good at volleyball but had to give it up due to a minor disability (I have radioulnar synostosis, which means that a bone in one of my wrists is missing so it only turns halfway. Bumping and serving the ball became a problem as I left puberty and my bones became less pliable. Don’t worry, it’s not as gory as it sounds!) I know plenty of people who are much more musically gifted than I am. While I’m a very good writer, fiction does not come naturally to me. Maybe it’s just that I’m out of practice but at any rate, it’s something I’d like to improve at. I had another friend in high school who spoke Spanish like a native even though she’d never stepped foot in any Spanish speaking country. We took the same Spanish classes all four years of high school and although our grades were nearly identical, she was clearly more gifted at languages than I was. Math is something I’ve always struggled with when it comes to anything past basic algebra; it just doesn’t always make sense to me. I’m proud of just being able to calculate percentages in my head, even though I’m not super quick at it. Dancing is another skill I don’t possess in great amounts. I have rhythm enough not to look stupid on the dance floor, but I’m no Janet Jackson! I can learn choreography alright, but I can’t just look at a routine and then duplicate it on the spot.

I don’t say all this to point out my deficiencies or to seem ungrateful for what I’ve been blessed with. My point is merely that everyone has different talents, and we tend to most value the ones that we lack. So the next time you find yourself envying someone, think about the talents you possess and you’ll no doubt find that you’re gifted, indeed.

I won’t be posting again until next week, so Merry Christmas!

 

Family Matters

I was reading today’s post over at “Keep It Trill” and what she wrote about her family made me think:

I am really, REALLY lucky to have the family that I do.

They are hugely supportive and genuinely have my best interests at heart. Sure, my mom can be a little overprotective and my dad may want me to be a bit more ambitious than I actually am. But neither of them would ever keep me from pursuing my dreams. They would never discourage me out of jealousy, or turn me away when I needed help. My parents are divorced but I see my dad just as much as I do my mom, if not more often because he works 5 minutes away from my campus.

I freely admit that my life has been sheltered from a lot of negativity simply because my parents a) were mature enough to put some of their personal desires aside to be parents and b) cared enough to let me and my sibling have as long of a childhood as possible without crippling our ability to eventually become independent. That is no easy feat, and I respect them for it. They’ve done such a good job with us that I am loath to have children anytime soon because I know I’m nowhere near ready to stop being selfish and take care of someone else 24/7/365. It’s not like being in a romantic relationship where two fully formed adults are coming together– I don’t have to change my boyfriend’s diaper. I’m not even obligated to cook him dinner because he can do it for himself. But kids are not that way. For the first few years of their life they are almost completely helpless, and it’s YOUR job to make sure that they survive and thrive. Food, shelter and clothing are the least of it, because children who grow up without feeling loved usually end up getting taking advantage of because they look for it in all the wrong places.

I’ve always considered myself to be a fairly open-minded person, if a bit naive. I can never understand why people continuously do things that are dangerous, destructive and just plain stupid. But I’m beginning to realize that much of human behavior, for better or worse, is driven by the family dynamic. Why do I think it’s important for me to be a stay at home mother? Because my mom was one, and nothing made me feel more special than having my mom pick me up from school, make me a snack and listen to what I learned in school that day. Why do I date ambitious guys? Because my father is an entrepreneur, and used to work 2 or 3 jobs at a time to support us before he started working for himself. Why don’t I give up on college, even though it’s hard? Because I have parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins who stuck it out and have built successful lives for themselves.  And that’s just scratching the surface.

Let me tell you a story about someone I know.  Jennifer (NOT her real name) suffers from Independent Woman Syndrome. She values money above all else and thinks that a six-figure salary, corner office and Italian leather desk chair are going to make her happy. She thinks that all men are cheaters and liars and that kids won’t do anything but hold her back. Why does she feel this way? Because of her family. Her parents got divorced when she was young. Not only that, but it was an ugly divorce. Without her dad’s income, Jen’s mom couldn’t be a homemaker anymore. Even though she was a lawyer, she couldn’t make the money that she used to because she hadn’t worked for about 10 years. Once she even told her daughter that if she hadn’t had kids, she could have been District Attorney or some such thing. I was in shock that any parent would be so cruel as to tell their child they regretted having them. None of us asked to be born, after all. Jennifer’s dad wasn’t much better, he was too busy enjoying his new single life to do much more than shove money at his offspring. So what does his daughter do? She gets to college and starts dating a guy who is rude (he ignores virtually everyone’s efforts to make conversation and just sits there, silent), emotionally abusive (he told he wasn’t attracted to her anymore because she’d gained weight) , selfish in bed (need I say more?), and generally a prick. Yet they’ve been together for almost three years now. Jennifer claims that if she graduates and gets a job offer out of state she’ll break it off, but I just don’t believe her. She’s said herself that she doesn’t think she can do any better, and that’s sad. And even though Jennifer knows (at least on an intellectual level, she’s admitted it herself) that her cynicism about marriage is due to her parents, she’s still cynical. And she still accepts, much, much less than she deserves because she is looking for the love that her parents were too busy to give her.

 

 

 

Que sera, sera

I was speaking with Tex and Charles this afternoon and they helped me figure something out. Why do women always make situations so complicated? There are gray areas but a good 75% of the time there is a definite yes or no answer and an accordingly straightforward resolution.

I was experiencing some inner conflict but I don’t like drama. I like to be happy and at peace as much as possible, and nothing ever causes me as much worry as do other people. But I told myself back in January that I’m going to stop trying to save people. Everyone has to save themselves, and it’s up to them to ask for help, and accept help when it’s offered. Other than that there’s not much else you can do for them.

I also know that actions speak louder than words every time. People make time for what they deem important whether it be God, a significant other, work, a friend, or a hobby. Everybody gets 24 hours to work with and we use them in a way that optimizes our personal benefit (lol, that’s my Principles of Macroeconomics class talking). So instead of worrying about how people feel or the way they treat me, maybe I should just accept it for what it is and move on. I’m a firm believer in the reason-season-lifetime theory of relationships and not everything was meant to last forever. I don’t carry any grudges, but some things shouldn’t feel like work and when they do maybe you should take a break to re-evaluate.

Que sera, sera/whatever will be, will be…