Black Love & War Vol. 2: Power Dynamics

In my last post I discussed how black women’s tendency towards aggression sours the interactions between black men and women. Today I will talk about how the power struggle makes everybody a loser.

It is often said that the person in the relationship who cares the least, has the most power. This is true in a way, but power won’t keep you warm at night. Power won’t comfort you when you’re going through hard times. Power won’t cook you breakfast in the morning, or hold your hand, or make you laugh when you’re feeling stressed. Yet everyone, especially those under 30, continue to play games. Games like what, you say?

- Being friends with benefits in the hopes of becoming his full-time girlfriend;

- Stringing along two or three or four prospects because it’s too hard to choose just one woman;

- Pretending not to care about him/her when you really do;

- Refusing to let him help you out in any way because you don’t want to owe him anything;

and the list goes on.

In reality, opening yourself up to love is the greatest power you will ever have, because real love enables you to see clearly. Real love recognizes itself. I’m not talking about infatuation or obsession, I’m talking about the kind of love that enables humans to be unselfish. If he cheats on you time and again, and you keep on taking him back–that’s not love, that’s stupidity. But if someone inspires you to be more than you are, because you feel that they deserve the best you possible–that’s love. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself, because when you really feel that way about someone you won’t be able to accept less than the genuine article from them. Love gives you the strength to walk away when it’s not working, even though it hurts.

But sex gets in the way of love, at least when it is introduced too soon. Everyone talks about sexual freedom and whatnot, but society still reflects a HUGE double standard in judging men’s and women’s sexual activities. So delayed gratification is always in a woman’s best interest. (It helps men out too, and if everybody was a little more patient and a little more careful I think the rates of STD transmission and unwanted pregnancy would drop accordingly.) By waiting, you can evaluate your feelings for a man without having your judgment clouded by how good or bad he was in bed. If he spends most of the time making moves on you, or becomes distant after a few weeks when he realizes you aren’t giving it up, you can count it as a loss and spare yourself unrequited emotional attachment. I don’t think that anybody can have sex with no strings attached; it’s just that it takes men a lot longer to catch feelings than it does for women (biology strikes again!). Men experience an adrenaline rush while women get an oxytocin rush. But taking sex out of the equation reveals a someone’s motivations for spending time with you–either they’ll lose interest, or you’ll find that they want to get to know you as a whole person.

So the bottom line is, the only power that anyone needs to have in a relationship is power over his or her own behavior. If you open yourself to love and stop looking for a cheap thrill, then better things will start coming your way.

 

 

Black Love & War Vol. 1: The Race Debate

My last post was about how black women have been duped by the feminist movement. Towards the end I mentioned how the way that they relate to black men is just as much to blame for their singleness as cultural forces. I won’t rehash my list of reasons why so many women don’t have a man; instead, I’m starting a series that will highlight some issues that get in the way of healthy black relationships. Today’s question is: Why do so many black men date outside the race?

First of all, men need to feel needed. This is biology, and a need that is programmed into him at a genetic level.  But black men have been marginalized for so long that it’s very hard for them to deal with rejection and emasculation from their own women. So when he gets something off the high shelf for you so you don’t have to grab a step stool to do it, he is trying to show you that he can take care of you. Same thing applies when he pumps the gas, pays for dinner and holds the door open. When you undermine his attempts to showcase his masculinity you are pushing him away. I know women feed off compliments, so imagine how you would feel if your S.O. never told you how beautiful or sexy you looked.  Ugly, right? It’s the same way that men feel useless when they don’t think they have a purpose in your life.

I’ve also noticed that black women tend  to relate to black men in a very forceful way, and every single guy that I’ve ever dated was amazed at how levelheaded I was even when I was upset with them. It confused me until I realized that it really was a rarity. I’m a quiet person by temperament and I only raise my voice  when I’ve reached the end of my rope…and there are but so many things you can do to get me that angry. I don’t start yelling and cursing people out just because I’m annoyed. It’s tacky and there are better ways to get the results you want. Men do not respond well to negative reinforcement. The last thing you would want after a long day at work is somebody up in your face yelling about how you forgot to put up the laundry…so why do you do that to him? Compliments and praise are more effective in getting anybody to change their behavior, but that’s especially true with men. There’s a grain of truth in the fragile ego theory, and any comment that makes them puff their little chests out with pride will exponentially increase their chances of repeating the behavior that led to it. If you fuss and cuss he’ll (reluctantly) do what you want just to shut you up, and the next time the car needs washing/he has to fetch something from the store/it’s his turn to cook dinner you’ll have to re-enact the whole frustrating scene. Personally, I’d rather not.

Then there is a mistaken belief in the black community that if you do too much for a man when you’re just dating, he’ll never marry you. I say mistaken because whether or not a man marries you has almost nothing to do with you and almost everything to do with him. Men get married when they are ready and not a moment before, and if they happen to be with a woman who meets more than half his qualifications she will be his Mrs. But I digress. Black women often hold back in a relationship because they think that if they share too much about themselves, the mystery will be gone and they’ll no longer be desirable. This is true in the early stages of dating. It’s not appropriate to spill your deepest fears and dearest dreams on the third or fourth date, nor is it appropriate to sleep with him in the first month (yes it’s a double standard, but I’ve never heard a woman regret waiting to give it up). But if you’ve been dating exclusively for 6 months or more, nothing is wrong with helping him shop for new curtains or fixing him dinner every once in a while. Men don’t dream about getting married from birth like women do, so if they’re going to take the plunge they want to know as much about you as possible– how you look without makeup or weave, whether or not you can cook, if you keep a clean house, if you trust him enough to give him space. That means you have to be vulnerable and show your feminine side. Men appreciate a strong woman but remember that they are the providers, and need some softness in a woman too.

Now, when you combine the black women’s tendency to aggression, negative reinforcement, and putting up emotional walls with Western society’s warped standard of beauty that lauds everything but blackness, you get black men who seek out white, Latina and Asian women. They have an “exotic” beauty, and are accustomed to letting men take the lead. I do believe that love is blind. It can and should cross color lines, but people gravitate towards those who are most like them. Black men date and marry outside their race more than men of any color or creed. So when you think about it, the factors I just described are the only things that can explain this aberration. Some people attribute it to self-hatred, and that does play a role. But my experiences with black men have shown me that most of them have just been hurt, rejected or taken advantage of to the point that they simply feel unwanted by black women and are taking themselves elsewhere.

 

 

Contraceptive Equality

Via one of my favorite blogs, Single Black Male (you should really check it out!) I read an article on male birth control. Apparently we’re only a few years away from FDA approved pill for men. Here’s a quick excerpt:

For the first time, a safe, effective and reversible hormonal male contraceptive appears to be within reach. Several formulations are expected to become commercially available within the near future. Men may soon have the options of a daily pill to be taken orally, a patch or gel to be applied to the skin, an injection given every three months or an implant placed under the skin every 12 months, according to Seattle researchers.

…But will men take it? Some say yes, some say only if their partners make them, and other say they would never even consider it.     – John Schiezer, msnbc.com contributor

In case you’re wondering, the way this would work is that the contraceptive would reduce the man’s sperm count to almost zero, therefore making it the most effective form of birth control. All of the men in the study regained their full virility within 16 weeks of being off the pill.

Of course, I had to do a (very unscientific) poll of my male friends and the results were mixed. Some guys said sure, why not? Mr. Man said he would consider it if it was cheaper than condoms. Charles Marrero replied “What?!? It’s more fun if you don’t know whether or not she’s pregnant!” (Count on Señor Marrero to advance a serious conversation.) Those who were opposed to the pill made the argument was that it doesn’t protect against STDs and they would have to wear a condom anyway, thus doing double duty.

o_+   (in case you didn’t know, that’s an emoticon representation of me doing the side-eye)

Um HELLO, women have been doing double duty for ages! The pill is the most ubiquitous form of birth control and any woman who is serious about avoiding unwanted pregnancy is on it.* Despite the fact that women have been taking the Pill for a good 50 years now, it’s clearly it’s going to take a little bit of convincing to get men on it. Despite the fact that they are the bed-hopping gender (yeah, I know women screw around too but that’s a separate post) they aren’t used to bearing the burden of child prevention.

I’m sure the male pill will find some popularity amongst middle-aged married men who are done raising a family but don’t want a vasectomy. The pill is fine for young women, but as we age the risks of blood clots, elevated blood pressure and weight gain become much more threatening. IUDs (intrauterine devices) have never been hugely popular because getting one is an invasive procedure, and many women are simply uncomfortable with having a foreign object in their uterus.

So what do you think? Is this a viable idea, or destined to be another overlooked contraceptive option like the female condom? Discuss.

*Except maybe me. I tried it for about a year and I hated it. I felt bloated, generally out of sorts like I was PMSing all the time, and at the end of the day didn’t feel much like having $ex at all. When I found out that it was elevating my blood pressure (albeit only slightly), I called it quits and condoms are now my prevention of choice.

 

The Ratio

I go to an engineering school, which is about 2/3 male. The tour guides always tell you about the saying, “The odds are good but the goods are odd.” That’s true to an extent. Tech kids are an odd bunch, by and large. We have a lot of people who are extremely book smart, geniuses even. To be frank, about half of theses kids are socially retarded, but that still leaves 50% who can function comfortably around people AND computers.

The ratio is extremely favorable towards girls, and any female who is friendly and remotely attractive could have a boyfriend if she wanted to. Girls may have to be a little proactive (most of the player types are athletes, and they have so many groupies that there’s no need to spit game), but if you want a man you have your pick of the litter. I feel bad for the guys though, because a lot of the nice ones get screwed over. BGS (B*tchy Girl Syndrome) is rampant. The few really pretty girls are often mean, because they’ve been mean all their lives and can get by on looks alone. Some of the average girls get big heads because they get an extra point* by comparison because there are so many plain Janes walking around. So they look around and say hey, why don’t I go for a hot/popular guy? There’s not that much competition.

Except there is. Because although there are 2 guys for every girl, statistically there is only about 0.333 of a “dateable” guy per girl.** If girls didn’t automatically discount guys for having ugly glasses frames or no sense of style there would be a 1:1 ratio, but TBS makes every chick think she can pull a 10. Even if she’s only a 6. It’s astounding. This leaves a lot of perfectly nice, decent looking guys out in the cold….until they graduate and start making $80,000 a year at their cushy engineering jobs. Except by then they’ve become bitter and just want to “explore their options” (code for “sleep with as many barely legal hotties as I can”).

It’s a vicious cycle. The moral of the story is, ladies, be kind to nerds. Because you’re going to want to marry one someday.

*During freshman year, Mr. Man & company came up with a points system for rating girls: 3 for the face, 3 for the body, 3 for personality and 1 point to play with for a maximum of 10.  I combine this with the “Friends” theory of dating, where you can only date within 2 points of your own rating. I consider myself a solid 8, so I can date up to a 10 or down to a 6 with impunity. Genius, no?

** I completely made this up.

 

All the single ladies

As you may or may not know, it is widely alleged that the traditional black family is nearing extinction. The most oft-quoted statistic (Lord knows where it even came from!) says that 70% of black women will never get married. And the remaining 30% who do are shockingly devoid of highly educated, successful businesswomen partnered with men who match their impeccable credentials. If you’re a black woman, you’re hyperaware of your grim chances for achieving a stellar career and the man of your dreams. Arguments blaming each side have been tossed back and forth, but in the end it really comes back to the choices that women make. Let’s be real–the world population is still roughly 50% men, and even the black population more or less follows that distribution. For every two women I’ve heard complain that there are no good black men, I’ve heard a black men complain that there are no good black women–which means that conceivably, one of those two women could get a man. Now, I’m aware this is all anecdotal evidence and very imprecise, but you get the point. The excerpt below says it better:

“For some reason, every woman with a college degree now presumes herself to be a Michelle Obama looking for her Barack, when few of them have any of the other qualities that made Michelle a good catch: patience, vision and a sense of purpose and priority. She wanted a career, but she wanted to be a wife and a mother more, so she figured out what was important to her and made the necessary sacrifices. She didn’t just have a child baby-mama or turkey-baster-style—she wanted a husband and a family. You see? Love came first, it was the first consideration beyond her career. (What kind of lawyer-on-the-rise shackles herself to a broke community organizer driving a hoopty?) And her decisions paid off.

Love was first: that was her choice.” -Jimi Izrael, The Root

Now, I’m a frequent visitor of The Root and normally Jimi kinda works my nerves. But he’s got a point. Judging from my parents, aunts, uncles and married peers, if you don’t get married in college or within 3 years of graduating your chances of finding a man on your same level decrease exponentially. I know that 20 somethings are young, impulsive, and unstable. But there’s something to be said for settling down with someone you can grow with. If you are sure that you want to raise a family and  don’t have any particular need to sow some wild oats, then why date aimlessly? Why waste your time on flaky guys who just want to have fun? Why not date someone who treats you well, has a good idea of where he wants to be in life and will work hard to get there? Luck favors the well prepared (and the decisive). I’m not saying to settle, but the men aren’t going to be any better looking when you get older, and many of the ones who were inclined to get married early on will have been jaded by their experiences with women and want to just focus on themselves.

Thoughts?

I mean, it worked in Jason's Lyric. LOL!

 

Nature of the Beast: The Friend Zone!

Ah, the friend zone. If you haven’t been in it, heard of it, or know someone whose experienced its particular brand of torture, then you just came out from under a rock. Yet despite its seeming ubiquity, its very existence continues to be debated. I am here today to tell you…IT’S ALIVE AND KICKING! But it can be put down.

The Friend Zone is kinda like the Bermuda Triangle- you can pretend it’s just a myth, until all of a sudden you’re in it. A barren wasteland where you give much and receive little. All jokes aside, the friend zone isn’t inherently evil. Being friends first has built the foundation for many a successful relationship, and it’s good to take your time so you know what you’re getting into and avoid complications. But you’re all waiting to hear some actionable advice, so here goes (I’m addressing a male perspective for grammatical clarity, but the same thing applies to ladies).

IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE…stop the madness. Seriously, it’s that simple. If you continually allow your friend to get all the perks of a committed relationship- a date to the movies, a shopping buddy, the occasional free meal, a shoulder to cry on- without demanding the recognition and benefits of said relationship, you will continue to be used. Now, that’s not to say she has a malicious intent, because often girls don’t realize that’s what they’re doing. And here’s a big hint: if she regularly comes to you for advice about other guys, or discusses the dirty details of her love life to you, the chances of you getting out of the friend zone are slim to none. You’re probably not one of her CGI buddies, and she most likely sees you as a brother figure. But the only foolproof way to know how she feels about you, is to make your interest known and tell her you want to be her man. Yep, you’re gonna have a grow a pair. *shrugs*

Now one of two things can happen: either she wants to give you a chance, or she doesn’t. If she does, then her behavior after the first date . After that, you should be able to secure a second one within 7-10 days if she has decided you’re boyfriend material. We all lead busy lives nowadays, but (short of a death in the family or personal illness/injury) she will make time for you. Even if it means going to a matinee instead of the evening movie, or lunch on a Sunday instead of dinner Friday night.

There’s also a chance that she is leading you on, and you are her backup plan. She likes you…but she likes Sean and Robert and Aaron too, and she just can’t decide! So she’ll keep you all in rotation until she makes up her mind. Let’s say you went on a date and she agrees you should do it again. If you hear a variation of “Oh I’d love to but I can’t…sometime soon though!” two times or more, you might want to forget about unless she is your backup plan. The third time she says it she is definitely not serious about you. Expect a call from her in about 6 weeks when Aaron and Sean start acting up.

Then there’s the worst case scenario: she wants to be just friends. Rejection is painful, but you can’t change her mind. So you can cut her off entirely, stay in the friend zone, or make the transition to being fully platonic. So this means, you have to take a month or two to go cold turkey. Don’t let her assume that you all have standing plans every weekend. If she calls you late at night and it’s not an emergency, politely end the conversation. Don’t listen to a play by play of her most recent date. Don’t run over to her place on the spur of the moment just because she’s feeling lonely. Sounds harsh, but as her friend it’s NOT YOUR JOB. If she has a problem with the changing nature of the relationship and/or continues to persist with those behaviors, be blunt. “What’s the problem? Because the last time I checked, you said you wanted to be friends, and platonic friends aren’t obligated to ____.” Then give her the ultimatum. “I respect your feelings, and I still want to maintain our friendship. But since I’m interested in being more and you’re not, it’s not fair of you to ask me to ____. And if you can’t understand that, I’m not sure we should be friends at all.” Harsh, but extremely effective.

Well that’s it for this installment…feel free to comment, as always!

 

Dressed to Impress

It’s the second week of school and already I’m tired of going to class. Not because class is extra boring, or because I have mean professors, but because getting there is such a hassle in the August heat. It’s sweltering out here and humid to boot. While sitting at the bus stop last week waiting for the campus shuttle (I was not about to walk 3/4 mile uphill!), I was people watching and noted the drastic difference in male and female attire. Most of the guys I saw were wearing athletic shorts or worn in cargos and t-shirts that looked like the first thing that they grabbed out of the drawer. The girls, however, wore fitted clothes that showed off their figures (and sweat stains in some cases… LOL!) while the guys got to hang loose and breezy in oversize apparel. It was one of those moments that made me think I might have been a man in a past life, because I have a complete aversion to the “cute before comfort” mantra that so many females embrace!

I mean, we’re in the deep south. A refreshing day in August occurs when the high temperature doesn’t exceed 86 degrees Fahrenheit. Why did I go out to Target last weekend and see women in fall clothes? I’m talking suede boots, polyester sweater dresses, leather leggings, scarves and vests layered over t-shirts, and way more black and dark gray than I would expect for this time of year. WHY?!?!? Just because they’re selling fall clothes right now doesn’t mean you’re supposed to wear them! I mean, if you live in North Dakota or Connecticut, then those clothes are probably reasonable for this time of year. Snow is only 3 months away. But in Georgia? I forgot to mention that many of these ladies had on weaves too. So you’re wearing layers of dark colored clothes, with fake hair on top of your real hair, and it’s 90 degrees outside with 75% humidity. You can deny that you’re about to have a heatstroke, but I see those beads of sweat on your forehead and you ain’t fooling me!

Why is it that girls insist on suffering for fashion? And why do we condemn females who would rather be comfortable than cave in to societal pressure? This issue is especially pertinent for me, as I’ve recently been accused of not caring enough about my appearance. I don’t mind dressing up….provided I don’t have to walk long distances and I’ll be in a climate-controlled area! Otherwise, I dress to be comfortable while I spend 8 hours trekking to and from class and work in the elements. What say you, readers?

 

The Myth of the Single Female

We all know her, and half of us have even been her at some point: the single female. The attractive, educated, talented, [insert positive adjective here] woman who just can’t seem to get (or in some cases, keep) a good man. She has everything going for her but a relationship, and no matter how hard she tries she just can’t seem to find The One. Well, if you are that woman, I’m here to tell you something….

It’s probably* your fault. Yeah, I said it. Please don’t come at me with angry stories about how this one and that one did you wrong, and your daddy wasn’t around, and your mama was a stripper who constantly had men up and through the house. These are merely excuses, and they only hold you back. I’m sorry that you haven’t had a positive male role model or high self-esteem, but the fact that you’re perpetually single is still your fault. It’s your fault because

1. You don’t look or act like you want a committed relationship. Sure it’s the 21st century, you’re a “grown-ass” woman and you’re allowed to wear whatever you want. But if you don’t look like girlfriend (read: potential wife) material, guys won’t treat you like that. How can you say you want a man who cares about what’s on the inside, when you throw what’s on the outside all in his face? There are other girls who are perfectly sweet but mess up by talking about $ex or actually getting physical too soon. When you talk about sex, you are sending the signal that you want him to try something. It’s not right but it’s okay, because you can avoid that by avoiding the subject. Likewise sexual liberation works against you up until the point that he says he wants to be official. On the other hand, we’re all adults here and it’s your body to what you want with…just recognize that you are operating in a patriarchal society, the Madonna-Whore complex is in full effect and you will be judged accordingly. And you’re not going to change the paradigm by yourself.

2. You aren’t looking in the right places. What married couple do you know who met in the club? Who discovered they were perfect for each other after a drunken hook up? Didn’t think so. Clubs are designed for hook ups. Where do you meet men? Bookstores, the gym, grocery stores, sports bars, volunteer events, professional networking mixers, walking your dog at the park. Just leave the mean mug at home, smile, wear something flattering and most times they’ll approach you.

3. You’re wasting time with the wrong ones. If he’s always cheating on you, trying to control you, hitting you, or just generally making you feel bad instead of good then let. him. go. NOW. You’re just wasting the moments and days and years you could be spending with the man who’s really meant for you. I’ve been in not-so-ideal relationships before, but I bailed out once I realized that the ship couldn’t be saved. Some of you are out there stranded on a desert island, trying to build a yacht out of a couple pieces of the deck and some seaweed. Not. gonna. happen.

4. You’re overlooking the good ones. I’ve heard it time and again…”He’s so sweet but I just don’t see him that way.” Have you tried? I will never tell you to fake chemistry and lead someone on, but there’s no harm in going on one date. If you spend a significant amount of free time with a guy, y’all have a lot in common and he treats you like a princess, you owe it to yourself to find out if it could go anywhere. Sometimes all he needs is a fair chance. The other most common complaint is, “Yeah, I know he’s cute and he treats me well buuuut, he’s SO boring.” To that I say, child please! You clearly thrive on drama and wouldn’t know a good thing if it spit in your face, so yes, please leave him alone before you ruin him for another woman!

5. You’re sending out “I don’t need a man” signals. Ladies, we all know that we don’t “need” a man like we need food, clothing and shelter. But going on and on about how you can do bad all by yourself will only end in you being…by yourself! Sit back and give him a chance to show you he can be man, instead of doing it for him or being the backseat driver, as it were. He’s been a man his whole life and does not need you to teach him how to do it. Obviously you don’t let a man lead who is incompetent. But if he has shown himself to be considerate and responsible, learn how to let some things go. So he didn’t buy you the right brand of tampons

6. You’re not staying in your lane. This means that you are going after guys who are not your type. If you’re a shy bookworm, you won’t catch the attention of the star athlete or frat boy who’s the life of the party. That’s okay, because the SGA rep is probably more your speed. Stop picking men like you pick your accessories. A boyfriend is not a status symbol, he’s there to add some TLC to your life. Or, maybe you’re the fashionista party girl who picks nerdy guys she can “make over”. A boyfriend is not a science fair project and it’s insulting to treat him as such. If a man tried to change you, you would be all up in arms so why is it okay to do it to him?

The other aspect of this comes down to looks. If you haven’t worked out regularly since your high school cheerleading days but you want a dude with the body of Ocho Cinco…just stop. Please. You are beautiful, but not in a way that someone who lives at the GNC store is going to appreciate.

7. Finally, you haven’t examined yourself. Why are you doing any/all of the above? Maybe it’s because you don’t think you deserve a good man- you really, truly do but I can’t believe that for you. Maybe it’s because you really don’t want anything serious, you just want to enjoy being single- in that case go ahead and enjoy it! Just don’t waste anybody else’s time by pretending you want more at this point in time. If none of that rings a bell, ask yourself why do you want a man anyway? Do you want to share the joy in your life with someone, or just to warm your bed and take out the trash? It doesn’t take a 6″2′, churchgoing MBA holder to do that.

I know this may come off harsh, but ladies today need some tough love. We’ve been bashing men for the past few decades, and it’s high time for a little self-reflection. Yes, a lot of men do a lot of careless, stupid things. But we’re the ones who make excuses for them and keep coming back for more. We’re the ones who take a good, if flawed, man and pick him apart rather than building him up. You’re not perfect, so stop looking for a man who is. Perfection does not exist. Yes, you will fight sometimes and yes, once in a while he will irk the hell out of you. But if he makes you feel special and safe 95% of the time, why are you tripping over a measly 5% ? If he’s cute and funny and smart, is it really a dealbreaker if his dress shoes aren’t perfectly shined or his tie doesn’t always match his suit? There are days where you get overemotional, and there are days where you look like hell. But you expect your man to stick with you despite those things. Why can’t you grant him the same unconditional care?

[Note: Edited 11/11/2010]

*I only say probably to allow for the few women out there who have indeed done everything right, but things still didn’t work out. There are only a few though, and there’s a 99% chance that you’re not the exception but the rule.

 

The 12 Types of Men

I’m sure you’ve all seen the 12 Types of Females List (and if you haven’t then click the link). While amusing and unfortunately accurate in some cases, it’s high time the fellas got categorized. Enjoy! Leave your suggestions in the comments box.

The Doormat
Advantages:
a. He showers you with compliments and affection.
b. His world revolves around you.
c. Whenever you need something, he’s there.

Disadvantages:
a. He’s loyal to a fault.
b. He has no life of his own.
c. You’ve got him so whipped you could dog him out in front of his friends and he’d sit there and take it.

The Thug
Advantages:
a. Automatic street cred.
b. You get to live out your “ride or die chick” fantasty.
c. You know he’s got your back.

Disadvantages:
a. It’s only a matter of time before he ends up in jail. And when they bust him, the cops will be knocking on your door first!
b. The groupie drama. You might be his main, but he’s got a bust-it baby, a shawty, and a baby mama too.
c. You can’t go anywhere too fancy because he won’t meet the dress code.

The Player
Advantages:
a. He’s oh so sexy and sophisticated.
b. He says all of the right things.
c. He knows how to wine and dine you.
d. No more riding the bus because he has a car. A new one at that!
e. He’s the kind of guy you want to show off to your friends.

Disadvantages:
a. He will hit it and quit it. If he doesn’t, then he will still probably cheat on you.
b. You can only go out with him one certain day of the week.
c. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, and his excuse is “what we have is too special to ruin”
d. There’s no point in bragging about him, because your girlfriends all know how good he is in bed…because they taught him.

The Nerd
Advantages:
a. He’s a really nice guy.
b. He’s handy with technology.
c. Free tutoring!

Disadvantages:
a. He’s obsessed with something (be it video games or comic books), and it takes up almost as much of his time as you do.
b. He has low self-esteem and is constantly seeking your approval.
c. He might never get up the courage to ask you out in the first place.

The Mama’s Boy
Advantages:
a. He’s polite and respectful.
b. You aren’t embarrassed to introduce him to your family.
c. He’s very attentive.

Disadvantages:
a. You’ll never be able to take care of him as well as his mother.
b. He whines, and that’s really not cute.
c. It’s more like having a pet than a boyfriend.

The Man’s Man
Advantages:
a. You know he’s not on the down low.
b. He makes you feel extra feminine.
c. He knows what he wants and goes after it.

Disadvantages:
a. When you cry he tells you to man up.
b. He has a sport to watch year round, and your dates are scheduled around the games.
c. He expects you to cook, clean, and not bother him when his friends are around or he’s taking care of business.

The Rebel Without a Cause
Advantages:
a. He’s different from anyone you’ve ever met.
b. There’s never a dull moment.
c. He brings out your wild side.
d. He doesn’t care what anybody else thinks.

Disadvantages:
a. He’s as reckless with your feelings as he is with his car.
b. It won’t last too long because he’s a “free spirit”…aka commitment-phobic
c. What is he so angry about, anyway?
d. You’ll get tired of him.

The Possessive Guy
Advantages:
a. It’s a total ego trip because he can’t get enough of you.
b. He’s always checking to make sure you’re okay.

Disadvantages:
a. He’s totally jealous of everyone else you spend time with, and sticks to you like white on rice.
b. He will burn through your anytime minutes.
c. He has the makings of a stalker.

The Goofy Guy
Advantages:
a. He’s hilarious.
b. You have a lot of fun together.
c. He knows how to cheer you up.

Disadvantages:
a. He never stops cracking jokes.
b. It’s not so funny when he’s joking about you.
c. You wish he would be serious sometimes.

Mr. Perfect
Doesn’t exist. Keep reading.

Mr. Right
Advantages:
a. He’s assertive, but sensitive when he needs to be.
b. He supports your goals.
c. He loves you unconditionally.
d.You always feel good around him.
e. He’s always honest with you.
f. You are compatible mentally, spiritually and emotionally as well as sexually.
g. He knows how to balance and integrate his love life with school, work and his friends.
h. He’s patient with you.
i. He makes you laugh.
j. He’s doing something with his life.
k. You can talk to him about anything.

Disadvantages:
a. He’s taken, or
b. He decided to act like one of the other types because he’s always getting pushed aside for guys 1-10, or screwed over by one of the 12 types of females.