It’s a Celebration, Snitches

Today, after six years of hard work and dedication in the midst of struggle…Tex is OFFICIALLY a B.S. in Computer Engineering from the formidable, rigorous, illustrious, world-renowned Georgia Institute of Technology! *cue applause, strobe lights & confetti*

My man is finally free of his mistress (also known as homework, lab & senior design) and we are one step closer to our happy ending. Or beginning, more like. He is as yet unemployed, but he had some interviews over the past few weeks that went well and hiring cycles are slow, so I remain hopeful. Plus, he now has more time to dedicate to job hunting and engineering is an in-demand field and a growing industry, even in this economy. I’ve been steadily praying over it and I know God has something for him! Tex has worked really hard and he truly has a passion for computer engineering. This is what he’s wanted to do since he was a kid and I’m so excited to see him live out his dreams.

Of course that begs the question, what is my dream? To be happy, I suppose. Honestly, I’m one of those Renaissance folks who was born in the wrong era (or maybe just born too poor, lol). If I were a billionaire I’d spend my days mastering all kinds of different things. Musical instruments, jazz performance, gourmet cooking, writing, traveling, mentoring black youth, lobbying for various causes on Capitol Hill…but since I’m a regular person who has to work for a living, I have to settle on something. I find myself increasingly drawn to the idea of education and education reform. Up until I began studying law, school was my favorite thing in the world. I remember vehemently debating the merits (or lack thereof) of the No Child Left Behind Act when it was first passed–I had to have been in the 8th or 9th grade then, but it was big deal and I combed the newspapers after my parents were through for news of it. I was in the Talented and Gifted program from the fourth grade on, which provided some of my most memorable educational experiences to date. Still, it was an imperfect solution to the limitations of public school. I’d love to teach at a charter or private school (like the Paideia School in Atlanta).

I’ve made up my mind to apply to Teach For America and see where that goes. I also might go ahead and take the GACE anyway and see if I can get hired through the alternative teacher certification process. In most states, if you have a degree in a subject area and had a decent GPA, you can teach without an education degree. My sister teaches music, and I think she has some study materials leftover from when she had to take the test. I’m eligible to get certified for history and political science, and I love those subjects anyway so I know passing the test wouldn’t be a problem. Incidentally, both of those are WAY cheaper than the bar exam. Popular opinion is split on whether people who don’t want to practice should take the bar anyway–some say it’s not worth it, others say it’s an indication of your ability to finish what you started. Aside from the fact that including prep classes, that’s a $4500 investment in something I’ve pretty much established I don’t want to do, it’s a beast of an exam. It’s been such a struggle getting through law school, that I don’t know if I can muster up the motivation a mere week after graduating to 12 hour days of intensive study for eight whole weeks. In law school, at least you have time to do other things you love. In order to pass the bar, you must make it your life. Eat with, sleep with, heck, marry your study materials or else you will be doing it all over again in six months!

My dad offered to front me half the cost. As of today, he’s only given me $150 which I can easily give back–it’s been sitting in my savings account for going on three months now as I’ve been stalling on whether or not to make my official deposit with Kaplan for the prep class. And the clock keeps on ticking…

…but that’s a question I’ll deal with tomorrow. Today, I will bask in the joy of the moment, try not to look stupid in front of my future in-laws & their extended family, and make sure Tex knows I’m incredibly proud of him.

 

Bride Ambition

I’ve always wanted to be married, and I’m not ashamed of that.

When I was five, it meant always having somebody to play with. When I was twelve, it meant having someone to listen to me and take me seriously. When I was sixteen, it meant having someone to compliment me every day. Now, it means all of those things (lol) but also a lot more. I want to start a family with a man who not only takes care of me, but also challenges me to be my best self in every arena.

A lot of the rhetoric around black love and relationships is very polarizing. Women fall into two categories: Wife material, viewed as a doormat who puts all her hopes & dreams on the backburner to take care of house & home; or a bitter, lonely single woman who doesn’t need a man encroaching on her independence. Blah. Just because marriage is a goal of mine doesn’t mean it eclipsed or erased my other goals. I haven’t stopped wanting to work for social justice, write a book, or master Spanish just because I would also like to be a wife.

I also resist the notion that there is any one “right” way to do relationships/marriage other than to treat each other with respect and kindness. How you do that is different for every person (just Google the 5 love languages). But as for people who insist that “If you don’t do _____, then you’re doing it wrong” please have a seat. \_

I also refuse to believe that there is some huge shortage of eligible men. Relationships are a kind of magic, really. I mean think about it. You stumble across a person who is not only attractive but also understands you, entertains you, and takes care of you? Considering that every individual has a different set of quirks and attributes, finding someone whose uniqueness meshes with yours is not something that is reducible to rules on how to get a boo in 30 days.

Lastly, I don’t like the idea that a woman without a man is a failure. Nobody questions why men are single. Relationships are not made unilaterally. So a single woman should not be viewed as a plague on society. Everybody is not meant to be married. Out of those who are, not everybody is meant to find their special person by age 25, or 30 or whatever! We all need to develop and grow at our own pace. Some are meant to do this primarily with a partner, while others need to be single. The bottom line is that I believe God has a plan for everyone, and just because your plan doesn’t look like mine, doesn’t make it any less valid.

 

Happy New Year!

It’s 2012 and I’m excited, despite all of the predictions for the Apocalypse. (Did anyone ever consider that maybe the Mayans just got tired of counting up?) I have several goals for this year and for once, I wrote them down. Generally, they are to

1. Eat more fruits & veggies
2. Drink more water
3. Exercise at least 150 min/wk
4. Incorporate strength training 2x/wk
5. Limit the use of heat on my hair
6. Cut back on frivolous spending
7. Engage more with my schoolwork

In my own personal notes, I have scheduled specific days for workouts (I’m going to become a morning gym rat because I get too easily sidetracked after class); linked my accounts and created a budget with Learnvest.com; and picked a class schedule that will hopefully keep me from getting too overwhelmed. The lack of 8:30am classes will improve my knowledge retention enormously on its own.

2012 is the year of me getting my life together, because I won’t have time to in 2013–law school graduation, the bar exam, and likely a wedding? I get tired just thinking about it. But the engagement party will be this summer(!!!), which is a good incentive for me to stick to my fitness because I want to look sexy in the pictures with my luxurious natural coils. It’s really about long term health though–your metabolism drops from age 25 on, and I want a diabetes/heart attack/stroke-free middle and old age. Lastly, I have a newfound interest in family law so I need to work on my grades to be more competitive. There’s no sense in sabotaging myself.

In other news, the holidays were fun. I got a bunch of Macy’s gift cards that I’m saving for when the shopping bug hits, and some new books. Visiting Tex’s family was super chill and relaxing. I hung out with Sissy today and she dropped the bomb that although she’s not engaged, she and her beau are planning to get there in the near future! I’m psyched. Her Christmas gift was an ancestry DNA test–I am part Nigerian (Yoruba tribe) and French on my mom’s side of the family. I know nothing of Nigeria, but it’s so great to be able to reclaim part of the heritage that slavery stole from me. I’m not just “regular” black with no roots anymore. Sure I’m part Muskogee, but they don’t have any reservations to my knowledge. So that was a gift that kept on giving and shows how considerate he is. I’m happy for her. I also met my brother’s new girlfriend, who I like a lot more than his last one (no diss, but they just weren’t compatible in my eyes).

All in all it’s been an eye opening time for me. I get my wisdom teeth out on Friday (let’s all pray that the anesthesia doesn’t kill me) and then I have another week of rest & recuperation before school starts back up. I really want to live more purposefully this year. I’m responsible for my own health, wealth and happiness and I will act like that.

 

Just do it

After the word went out via my Facebook status that I was done with finals, my phone was blowing up. Mostly with family, but the love was still gratifying Anyway, one of my guy friends wanted to get a woman’s perspective on a problem he was having with his girlfriend. Dude used to be a player, but he finally found someone who stimulates him on multiple levels. However, she’s a little older (28 to his 25) and looking towards marriage, something he’s not ready for at all. He had an analogy about marriage that was…interesting to say the least.

Marriage is one big surrender ceremony. You tell all your friends that you’ve finally given in and they come cheer you on as the woman who captured you walks down the aisle wrapped in a white flag and you live miserably ever after.

He also says that human brains don’t finish developing until age 25, so ostensibly the person you fall in love with before that age could be completely different. Also, he wants to travel and focus on his career before he settles down so he doesn’t have any regrets.

The Ex (we’re frociates–not quite friends, not quite associates) would probably agree with that statement. He said that nobody under the age of 28 should even be thinking about marriage, because our lives are so unstable and there’s just so much to do.

I asked Tex what he thought about that, and why so many people are so hard on marriage. His response was that some people just don’t want the extra responsibility and emotional ties that come with marriage. You have to check in and take someone else’s feelings into account.

Really? Is that all? Wusses.

I’ve been dealing with other people’s feelings  my entire life. I’m naturally empathetic, so even with casual acquaintances I try not to be rude or dismissive unless they’ve done something to warrant that type of treatment. My parents divorced when I was 13, and ever since I’ve walked a tightrope of compromise. I’ve been living my life on a schedule since I was pledging and haven’t looked back–Google Calendar is my BFF. I’ve never been a person who lived some footloose, fancy free, spontaneous life so having to tell someone where I am isn’t a burden. I have to call my parents to assure them I’ve arrived safely whenever I drive back and forth from school, and I check my schedule on a daily basis anyway so it’s nothing for me to tell you what’s on it.

I really dislike the notion that being married means you can’t have a life outside of that person. As much as I love being with and around Tex, I need friends besides him. Doing things without Tex gives me a chance to  miss him, and it gives us something to talk about so we don’t get bored of each other! I’ll admit that I would hate for him to take a trip overseas without me. But if  his boys wanted to do a weekend in Vegas? Eh…I wouldn’t be thrilled but  I wouldn’t stop him from going either. I trust him and he’s not going there to stay so what’s the big deal?

I think that in a lot of ways, marriage is something where you just have to jump in the pool. Whether you get married or not, nothing in life is guaranteed. I think that we spend a lot of time thinking about the wedding ceremony and all the ways the marriage can go wrong, and not enough about what type of person we want to support us through life’s struggles. Married or not, life will not always be easy. But if you believe in marriage, you shouldn’t let fear cheat you out of it.

 

A welcome respite

Three finals, a feverish paper writing session and one long semester later, I am done with 2L fall and officially halfway through law school! HALLELUJAH THANK YA JESUS!

I had a week in between finals, so last weekend I went to the City to see the Wale concert with Jaleesa. And rapidly came to the conclusion that I am too old (mentally) to be going to rap concerts. I hate to be one of those catty girls but some of the outfits I saw were just plain inappropriate and reeked of desperation to boot. It’s high time we started back promoting the aesthetic appeals of proper foundation garments (read: slips, girdles, and well fitting bras)!

While I was there, I had lunch with my neo. She crossed right before I had finals in the spring and she went home to California for the summer; I just never managed to hook up with her before then. But she’s mad cool (although I don’t expect anything less from a Glamorous Gamma Rho chapter ace!). It was a good time. I’m attending a grad chapter meeting in Orangeville after spring semester starts, and I’m thinking about joining. Tex has senior design, so I won’t be making as many trips to see him because he’ll be swamped in work. I love my law school besties, but I need people to hang with who don’t know anything about res judicata!

I got home today and it’s nice to finally be able to breathe. I’ve already started touching base with Maya, Sunny and Porsche, I have plans to go see Sherlock Holmes with Sissy and it looks like I’m going to have a lot of fun this break despite my upcoming oral surgery (two of my wisdom teeth are getting removed, ugh). I also plan to take some time for spiritual reflection by going to church. Usually listening to gospel music is church enough for me, but sometimes I miss singing the old hymns and reciting the apostles’ creed. [Favorite line: "from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead." It's so theatrical!]

I’m just glad to have nothing but fun, optional things on my plate for a bit. I did do the anal law student thing and obsessively rechecked the schedule (I need my all my spring electives to be relatively easy B’s). Turns out I will be dropping First Amendment Law–it’s too intense to be taking with four other classes, especially when one of them is Evidence! I’m going to sign up for Gender and the Law instead.

Anyway. Enough school talk, these next few weeks are going to be nothing but fun, food and holiday spirit!

 

 

 

The Ghosts of Friendships Past

October 30th was the fourth anniversary of me joining my sorority. I was boo’d up with Tex and almost forgot about it, but remembered in time to shoot LS a text that evening. She responded, but that was it. To be perfectly honest, part of the reason that I avoid Greek events and joining a grad chapter isn’t just that I’m busy. I don’t like being reminded of my fractured relationship with LS. I love my sorority and despite the fiasco that was senior year of college, I wouldn’t trade my letters. My sole regret is that by pledging, I lost what I thought was a really good friend. Sure, LS and I are on speaking terms but unless I contact her first, it’s like she forgot I even existed. Tex has told me over & over that it’s her problem, but it’s hard to accept. Your linesister is supposed to have your back no matter what, even if you don’t like each other. I don’t expect us to ever be bosom buddies but it would be nice to at least be on the level of Merry Christmas/happy birthday texts, you know? Good or bad, we went through a lot together.

When I finish law school and the bar and have some free time (and extra money) I plan on joining a grad chapter. Since Tex and I are likely to relocate it’ll be a low pressure way of me making friends, since Lord knows I hate going to social functions that don’t have a purpose. I’m terrible at them. It’s hard enough maintaining the friendships that I do have. When you boil it down one weekend, 48 hours, is not a lot of time. And while I do come to the City 2-3 times a month I have to split time between Tex, Mom, Dad, siblings, extended family, friends, homework and free time. It’s a lot. Mind you, although my sibs, Tex and friends are in the City, both my parents live 30 minutes away on the opposite sides of town. My grandparents are an hour away coming from Orangeville or the City. And I have to drive 80 miles to get to the City to begin with so I do a LOT of running around! I scheduled a lunch date with a college buddy a whole month in advance for Thanksgiving break, that’s how packed my schedule is. So it’s frustrating to feel like I’m always responsible for planning hangout time on top of all that.

Hopefully, I will still have most of my non-law school friends when I finish. Bad enough that I can’t watch Law and Order without analyzing the legal merits of the case, don’t take away what little social life I have!

 

Out of Sync

I feel like I’m destined to live my life in reverse order of everyone else.

I’ve been a big fan of astrology since I was younger. I put no stock in horoscopes–I believe that psychics exists but I don’t believe that anyone can predict a person’s day to day life based on his or her sign. When I was 11 or 12, I got a mini astrology book for my birthday. I’m a Capricorn, and most of the personality traits fit me perfectly. But none of that is what I’ve remembered from that book.

Sixth grade was a terrible year for me. I was being teased mercilessly at school, to the point where I spent the last two months of the year doing my work from home. I ended up attending a private school for the next two years–I learned that sometimes, just walking away from a bad situation is the best thing you can do for yourself. But I digress. Needless to say, I was feeling alienated from my peers. I just didn’t get why I was being singled out. Sure I loved school, and I cared about doing well–but I also liked *NSync, and playing with makeup, going to the movies, and all the other typical middle school pursuits. The little astrology book said something to this effect: Capricorn ages in reverse. As others grow more settled in their ways, Capricorn becomes more youthful and carefree. Capricorns truly come into their own in the second part of life.

Those lines stopped me cold. Finally, an explanation! Maybe it wasn’t my fault that I had trouble relating to kids my age–I was just ahead of my time. That stayed buried in the recesses of my memory until recently. I find myself branching out and wanting to do many of the things that I didn’t before, and taking life less seriously. My classmates agonize over class rank while I think “Eh, it’s just a grade.” I’ve never seen the appeal in parties but I want to go to a lounge for my  next birthday. But it goes the other way too. Most folks start dating & sexing in high school and don’t get married until they’re approaching 30. I started dating at age 18, and am engaged at 23 to the same guy I’ve been dating since I was 20. It seems that while everyone else is starting to care more and more about what other people think, I’m starting to care less and less.

This is purely anecdotal, of course. But I still feel like I’m destined to swim upstream.

 

Roadblocks to fitness

Well, I hopped on the fitness bandwagon this summer but I’ve been backsliding. The student life is anathema to balanced living, I tell you! Work was great because once I left the office at 5pm, I had a 7 hour block of free time all to myself. I could vegetate and play on the computer, go to the gym, shower, cook dinner, and still have time to catch my favorite tv programs.

Not so when school started. I got to choose the classes I wanted this semester, unfortunately, my schedule looks like a jigsaw puzzle. Early morning workouts are not a good option for me because I simply won’t get out of bed. Plus, I generally wake up hungry, but working out right after eating makes me nauseous. I’ve tried to work out on an empty stomach and eat breakfast afterward, but it just made me fall asleep in class. I still make less than optimal food choices, but I’d say a good 75% I eat like I’m supposed to. I’ve fluctuated within the same 5-10lb range for the past two years, so I know that I can eat relatively what I want and still maintain my weight as long as I exercise regularly. All I have to do is work out and cut down to 1-2 junk food meals a week in order to lose. It’ll be slow, but I’ll keep it off and deprivation just makes me want to give up altogether. A life without ice cream is not a life fully lived!

They say you do better when you put things in writing, so here is my action plan.

1. Start planning out meals for the week. (I did this during the summer and it was a huge help)

2. Do a cardio/strength for 30 minutes, three times a week at minimum.

3. Add in other activity by stretching every day and hula hooping/step aerobics while I watch tv on my workout off days.

4. Continue tracking my calories online. Nutrimirror is great because the interface is really clean and shows you the nutrients for everything you eat. 1600 calories of McDonald’s looks a lot different from 1600 calories of fruits, veggies and whole grains. For weight loss, quality of calories counts as much as quantity.

5. Concentrating on what I’m gaining in energy, health, & fitness level instead of what I’m giving up (time, yummy fattening foods).

6. Weighing myself weekly to keep track, but focusing more on indicators like endurance and how my clothes fit to measure my progress.

So there it is. I refuse to get down on myself like I have in the past; I’m going to think positive and keep moving forward. If you’ve got advice or encouragement to offer, please feel free

 

Happy days are here again

Lots going on for the next couple of weeks. This week I’m wrapping up my internship and interviewing for a part time job on campus, as well as for a 2L summer placement. Next week I’m going out of town with Tex for some real vacation, attending Sunny’s graduation (yay!), spending more time with Tex (he’s been in summer school and too busy for my liking ) and finally, doing my final chop to natural hair.

My fitness kick has been going well. According to the scale I’ve only lost three pounds, but I feel better just knowing that I am taking better care of my body. I still indulge in some of my cravings, but it’s done consciously so my weekly calorie count still averages negative. I mean, what would summertime be without the occasional ice cream treat? And Chinese food is too good to give up completely. I’ve incorporated strength training into my fitness routine and it must be making a difference–twice in the past week people have asked me if I’m losing weight.

I’m definitely not ready to go back to school yet, but it’s inevitable. Three of my most obnoxious classmates are transferring to other schools, so my classroom experience may be somewhat improved on that basis alone. Thank the Lord for small favors. I’m hoping to strike a better balance between law school stuff and self care. While I made “me” time more of a priority than my classmates did, I still pushed myself to the point of semi-burnout. I definitely have enough on my plate with my exec board/committee chair positions in the law fraternity, and minority law students association. Part time jobs at the school are extremely low key–you essentially get paid to study and occasionally talk to people–so I’m not worried about that. I don’t have a problem saying no to additional involvement, but I need to get into my head NOW that it’s okay if I don’t make every single organizational meeting, even if I am on the exec board. At the end of the day those are just extras, and as long as I get my tasks done nobody will care that much if I miss a meeting or two.

 

No pain, no gain

Weight has been a lifelong struggle for me. Some may argue that I’m just “thick” or “big boned”, since I’ve never been overweight to the point that I couldn’t see my toes, climb stairs, shop in regular stores, etc. My size has never stopped me from doing anything other than wearing a bikini. But from a young age I was aware that I was chubby, and that chubby wasn’t desirable.

I’ve never been into diets, either. I love food and cooking so living off of carrots and air wasn’t an option. At the same time, I’m not particularly good at any sports and I hate sweating. So generally, I just lived with the fact that I was chubby. I went down two sizes and kept it off between the ages of 17 and 20, but then the demands of school, my sorority, and a part time job led to me gaining all of it back in about 18 months–a long enough period of time that I didn’t notice it. The past two years I have leveled off, and always said I was going to lose weight but never did it.

Weight loss is hard. And emotional. And the fact is that it’s easier to glance in the mirror and keep it moving rather than grapple with all the reasons why you don’t want to lose weight. I’d rather not lay all my reasons bare, but Jess’s numerous posts on the topic of weight loss, body image, and the emotions behind it–along with the blog A Black Girl’s Guide to Weight Loss–have opened my mind to the barriers I put in my own way. I’ve finally taken the first step, which is to stop feeling guilty. Anyone who’s not skinny always gets the message that you’re just not trying hard enough to lose the weight, that you don’t want it bad enough. Stop drinking soda, take the stairs instead of the elevator and you’ll be thin in no time, right? WRONG. Like everything else in life, weight loss starts in the mind. And if you do all the right things thinking that you’re doomed to fail, eventually you’re going to give up and thus author your own failure.

Finally, it clicks. It’s not about being skinny or looking better than the next girl. It’s about being the best ME I can be, and giving my body the same attention as my heart, mind and spirit. I chose a guy who makes me laugh and not cry, I read, and I pray. So why wouldn’t I do the things that allow my body to perform optimally?