Sorority Life

I guess I can come out of the closet on this one–I’m a proud member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.! Z-E-T-A P-H-I, Zeta Phi Beta til the day I die. No skee, no wee, no DST cuz I’m a finer woman of Z Phi B!

Back to the blog. I recently joined the Orangeville grad chapter and became active again. I went to my first chapter meeting last weekend and it was pretty much what I expected (old school vs. new school and a lot of good-natured ribbing) but I loved it. I love my sorors! I went out to lunch afterward with the younger crowd and it felt so good to be among my sisters again.

In Georgia–and in general, I think–Alpha Kappa Alpha and Delta Sigma Theta are the most numerous/visible D9 sororities so I don’t often run into sorors outside of Greek events (Except in Texas. Another good reason to move there!). This is purely anecdotal, but I’ve noticed that while you see a lot of AKAs and DSTs especially in law, business, and other such prestigious careers, Zetas gravitate towards education, nursing, and nonprofit work. I think that the visibility of AKA and DST are a large part of why they are so popular (no diss!). Out of the eight female Greeks (that I know of) at Orange Law, there are 2 AKAs, 5 Deltas, and me…and I don’t know if I even want to practice law, so make what you will of that.

I have also bonded with the new Zeta at my alma mater. She’s awesome and we’re so much alike, we could be related. I’m really glad that we are developing a relationship because LS and I continue to be on the outs–i.e., I reach out and she barely acknowledges me. You can’t force friendship, but I can’t resign myself to not trying to even extend the olive branch because at the end of the day, she’s my sister and always will be. I’d love to have her be one of my bridesmaids since she has known Tex & I both since freshman year of college, so it hurts to see pictures on Facebook from when she comes to town and know that she didn’t even bother to call me. I’d like to at least get coffee and catch up but, it is what it is unfortunately.

Still, getting involved with a grad chapter is helping me heal. After the debacle that was my social life during my senior year of college (you can read the backstory by clicking “Greek” in the category tab), I avoided all things Zeta during my senior year and up until now because it was too painful. I hated seeing how other girls were so close to their line sisters. But the grad chapter here has really embraced me and I hope to remain friends with them even after I leave Orangeville.

 

The Ghosts of Friendships Past

October 30th was the fourth anniversary of me joining my sorority. I was boo’d up with Tex and almost forgot about it, but remembered in time to shoot LS a text that evening. She responded, but that was it. To be perfectly honest, part of the reason that I avoid Greek events and joining a grad chapter isn’t just that I’m busy. I don’t like being reminded of my fractured relationship with LS. I love my sorority and despite the fiasco that was senior year of college, I wouldn’t trade my letters. My sole regret is that by pledging, I lost what I thought was a really good friend. Sure, LS and I are on speaking terms but unless I contact her first, it’s like she forgot I even existed. Tex has told me over & over that it’s her problem, but it’s hard to accept. Your linesister is supposed to have your back no matter what, even if you don’t like each other. I don’t expect us to ever be bosom buddies but it would be nice to at least be on the level of Merry Christmas/happy birthday texts, you know? Good or bad, we went through a lot together.

When I finish law school and the bar and have some free time (and extra money) I plan on joining a grad chapter. Since Tex and I are likely to relocate it’ll be a low pressure way of me making friends, since Lord knows I hate going to social functions that don’t have a purpose. I’m terrible at them. It’s hard enough maintaining the friendships that I do have. When you boil it down one weekend, 48 hours, is not a lot of time. And while I do come to the City 2-3 times a month I have to split time between Tex, Mom, Dad, siblings, extended family, friends, homework and free time. It’s a lot. Mind you, although my sibs, Tex and friends are in the City, both my parents live 30 minutes away on the opposite sides of town. My grandparents are an hour away coming from Orangeville or the City. And I have to drive 80 miles to get to the City to begin with so I do a LOT of running around! I scheduled a lunch date with a college buddy a whole month in advance for Thanksgiving break, that’s how packed my schedule is. So it’s frustrating to feel like I’m always responsible for planning hangout time on top of all that.

Hopefully, I will still have most of my non-law school friends when I finish. Bad enough that I can’t watch Law and Order without analyzing the legal merits of the case, don’t take away what little social life I have!

 

Tell me how you really feel

Due to some snafus when I first started blogging, I’ve learned not to be too personal in what I write about my relationships. A bump in the road can easily get blown out of proportion when people read too far in between the lines. Conflict in life is unavoidable, but confrontation usually isn’t. I choose to walk away from situations where I think that levelheaded discussion is not possible. I don’t bring a lot of problems to my friends because with the ones who have known me the longest, it’s usually insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Maya and I are complete opposites in a lot of ways, so when we disagree we really disagree. But the other 90% of the time we’re thick as thieves. We both have hot tempers when provoked and smart mouths ALL the time, so we can say things about each other that nobody else can.* We’ve been tight long enough to be like family in that regard. It would be the same  with Sunny, but she’s super chill and we always agree to disagree before things get out of hand.

But when you’re dealing with newer friends it’s harder to figure out what to do. I’m an old soul and I struggle to maintain connections with girls my own age. Guys are easy–they operate off logic rather than emotion, and I’ve always prided myself on my ability to balance my empathy and sensitivity with a cool head. There are very few situations where I react emotionally first, without thinking through things rationally, that often makes me seem aloof or uncaring. When petty sh*t goes down I don’t take sides if I’ve only heard one person’s version of the story because nobody is ever completely blameless in situations that end in drama.

In addition, I have a problem with the way women conduct disagreements. I don’t do passive aggressive–if it’s that big of a deal, I’ll come to you with it so you can try to fix it before I cut you off. That’s why I don’t get it when people don’t extend me the same courtesy. I have a rather large antisocial streak and I hate dealing with what I perceive as immaturity, so if you start ignoring me in hopes that it will provoke a reaction? We just won’t talk again. I don’t like it, because in my heart of hearts I want the whole world holding hands and singing “Kumbaya”. But I’ve been through enough discussions turned “let’s hash out everything I hate about you” sessions to learn that friendship interventions work 0.5 times out of 10. So now, my strategy is to just shut up, wait it out, and see if the adverse party comes around.

Luckily, I’ve found a trio of friends in law school–Olivia, Jaleesa, and Khadijah–who get me and keep me sane when I’m not around my beloved Sunny and Maya. Class starts on Monday and while I’m not at all excited to be cracking open the casebooks again, I’m looking forward to another year of silly lunches, inside jokes and stealth Google chatting!

*At least, not without incurring the risk of getting cursed out, swung on, or completely ignored in perpetuity and we’ve come pretty close to that before, come to think of it. Ha!

 

Make new friends, but keep the old…

By this time next year, all my friends will have graduated from college. Of course, entering the workforce means that many of them will be relocating. They’ll no longer be just a short trip across campus; instead, we’ll be making Skype dates and searching for airfare deals to come see each other. Specifically, I’m talking about my besties. With Maya’s relocation to NYC*, Sunny looking for another job and Porsche’s bicoastal lifestyle, my social life outside of Tex and family gatherings is dwindling steadily. Sure, I’ve made friends in law school but it’s not quite the same.

I’ve never been good at making friends, mostly because I don’t like going out. I’m not a big drinker, clubs are generally out the question because they’re usually not smoke-free, and parties are too dark and crowded. My idea of an exciting Friday night is hitting a concert, playing video games while drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade**, seeing a new art exhibition or having a casual dinner party. Suffice it to say I never quite fit in with the other girls. While I have one law school buddy, Tasha, who likes the same things I do, I don’t like being dependent on just one friend. That’s a quick way to wear out your welcome, but my efforts to strike up a deeper friendship with some of the other girls has been unfruitful thus far.

It’s harder down here in Orangeville. Despite having 3 or 4 colleges in the vicinity, it’s not a young person’s town and there is a dearth of black students at the law school. I hate to say it but most of the other black girls in my class are rude or overly dramatic. I lack the patience to put up with ugly attitudes or nonstop “crises”. The rich white people have formed a clique unto themselves. As for the others, it seems that all everyone else wants to do is get drunk, eat Mexican food, or visit their long distance boos. *deep sigh*

Still, there are a few girls who I’ve really enjoyed talking to in group settings. And I’m hoping that since I’ll be more involved next year (I’m on two exec boards), my social circle will expand a little bit. I’m toying with the idea of joining my sorority’s grad chapter anyway…I miss wearing my line jacket and roasting the other orgs. Z-Phi!

*I know you say you’re coming back down south but Sunny & I don’t believe you. You need more people!

**The reason why I don’t drink? NO ALCOHOL TOLERANCE WHATSOEVER. All it takes is a couple glasses of Arbor Mist or its equivalent and I’m gooood. 

 

Newness

I’m settling in at school, but still having some trouble getting adjusted to Orangeville. I really, really miss the city. Around here, I can walk downtown without passing anybody on the street. Everything closes early and it’s just so quiet. I never considered myself a city girl–I grew up with a creek in my backyard, for goodness’ sake! I guess it’s one of those things that you can’t really know until after the fact. My life down here is pretty good–my fellow students are friendly, I don’t seem to be the class dummy, I have a great little apartment and my landlord is a peach. But I miss my college friends, my boyfriend, and my family. I know that in retrospect, the three years I spend here will seem to have flown by; but time passes a little more slowly when you’re living it. But I should have a car by this time next year, which will make the hour and a half distance irrelevant.

In the meantime, my fall  shows will all be back in the next couple of weeks to provide me with a little escapism, lol. But for real, my friends and family have been very supportive. I put a bunch of birthday, Christmas and graduation cards on display in my bedroom as a daily reminder that no matter how my day goes, there are plenty of people who care about me and want to see me succeed–they always makes me smile, even if I’m feeling a little blue.

 

One Size Fits All doesn’t apply to friendships

For about a year now I’ve felt like I’m outgrowing several of my associates in some aspects. They’re all funny, smart, entertaining girls but sometimes the drama factor gets to be too much. It seems as if they’re still trying to find themselves and going through the associated growing pains, while I’m not. They like to party, and I don’t.

But even besides that, they’re fun to hang with and I feel like I kind of get left out of things…Yes, it’s true that I like to spend time with Tex, and I don’t drink or like sushi. I refuse to go to clubs and will turn down impromptu shopping trips (I don’t work as much as they do so I’m on a tighter budget). Still, I’m down to socialize at happy hour, most sushi restaurants serve cooked food,  and I won’t turn down an invite to chill with Tex (unless it’s last minute and we’re already hanging out). It makes me wonder if we’re really cool like that, or just casual acquaintances?

However, I’ve come to realize that my problem is that I want them all to be “all purpose friends”–someone who I can confide in and borrow $20 from when I need it most, but who is also fun to kick it with. Somebody who’s down for a girl’s day out at the mall, but can switch gears from boy problems to career goals without skipping a beat. The fact is that those friends are RARE. A lucky few of us possess one or even several. But usually, the people you go clubbing with are not necessarily the people you’d call if your car broke down on the highway and vice-versa. The reality is that we have different friends for different purposes in our lives.

Upon reflection though, the situation isn’t as dire as it may seem. Tex and I are best friends, in addition to being SOs. My sister and I have always been close; we talk on the phone every day and have regular appointments for “sister time”. And Porsche can be counted on to call or text me whenever I go MIA for too long. So although my social calendar may not always be full, it’s fulfilling for the most part. I won’t judge anyone else until we see who’s left standing a year from now…

 

A sense of liberation or melancholy

I’ve been afflicted lately with a mild case of what Porsche dubbed “graduation depression”. Faced with my imminent exit from college, everything has renewed significance. I find myself analyzing the past four years with the kind of scrutiny usually reserved for breakups. Then again, this is a breakup of sorts, isn’t it? On top of that, law school seems alternately thrilling and terrifying. There’s a thrill and dread that comes with the thought of living on my own, starting over socially with new people. Anyway. Tex has reminded me that I’m being ridiculous. “You have nothing to worry about! I’m not going to forget about you and you’re gonna do fine in law school.” Essentially, he thinks that I haven’t been failing at life so far, so why would I start now? Good point.

I suppose my biggest disappointment is my relationship with LS. I know I’ve probably beaten this topic into the ground, but it’s hard to give up on a friendship with someone who you used to be thisclose with. Especially when the change happened virtually overnight, with no defining fault or explanation. Unbeknownst to me, by the time we actually had a falling out she had decided that we weren’t friends anymore. Or at least it seems that way. After eight months of ignoring the issue, then apologizing, and actively trying to make things right, my arm is getting tired from holding this damn olive branch by myself. So there’s nothing left to do but give up.

It’s hard for me, especially since in college I thought I had finally, FINALLY broken free of the female friendship curse that has haunted me since elementary school. It’s true that most people don’t have dozens of confidantes that they’ve known since childhood. But my oldest friend who I know and can spill my guts to anytime is Ice, and he’s a dude. I’ve had several female “best friends” but we’ve always ended up losing touch. It’s really frustrating, because no matter how hard I try we grow apart because we’re maturing at different rates. I’ve always had a mentality that was at least 5 years ahead of my biological age, topped off with the fact that I am a lot less emotionally driven than most women. The result of the latter was that being around guys was always easier.

However, I know that postcollege there my male friends will have girlfriends, and then wives, who may view me as threat no matter how obviously un-single I am. Even without that, it’s kind of weird to call your (straight) male friend every week to shoot the breeze. Dudes just don’t spend that much time on the phone unless you’re the girlfriend. And besides that, sometimes I do want to talk about girly things. There’s always Sissy, but she’s a grown woman with a full time job–impromptu Starbucks dates are just hard to fit in, even though we speak on the phone almost every day.

At any rate, I’m 12 days out from graduation and despite my mixed feelings, I’m mostly happy about it. This is a huge accomplishment in my life and I’m really ready to explore new horizons. My time in college has taught me a lot, but there’s nothing else for me to learn here. Law school will be a welcome change…

 

Reconnecting

You know, friends are really the spice in the soup of one’s life. Work is the hamhock (essential for getting by, but it can get in the way), family is the meat and lovers are the vegetables. Alone, these three elements make a hearty, filling stew. But the spices add a whole new dimension of possibilities. The right ones (those friends who support and encourage you) can make it absolutely delicious. But the wrong ones (friends who bring drama or frenemies who try to bring you down) make you want throw the whole pot out and start over!

I was reminded of that yesterday after spending some quality time with Maya in the craft center, making Valentines (we’re still children at heart!). We haven’t hung out together since my birthday, and that was a group affair so we didn’t really have bonding time. But it was nice to catch up, make jokes and discuss our respective SOs. I’m really glad that we patched up our disagreement from last fall, because Maya is one of the best friends I’ve had in my life. She’s the only friend I’ve ever fought with and been able to make up without any underlying awkwardness or distance. Friends like that don’t come along too often so I’m always grateful for them. It also made me glad that I bothered to pick up the phone and call her today, instead of texting or tweeting or Facebooking. You just don’t get that same feeling of camaraderie from words on a screen. Today was even better, because Sunny was off from work so we were a trio once again! We went to Gail K’s to get fabric for the graduation dress Maya is making me (it’s a beautiful yellow with a lacy bodice and floaty tulip skirt). Then we hit up Tin Drum, my favorite Asian spot in the city. From there it was onto DSW, where Maya and I got matching boots (hers are brown, mine are black) and then H&M. It was a really great day, and just the pick me up I needed– my econ test and the cold, rainy weather had me in a bit of a funk.

I also went to lunch with LS and our old ADP, who got married soon after we crossed and went inactive for a couple of years. She was the sole member of grad chapter who really understood me, so it was great to catch up with her. LS was pleasant too, and we managed not to have awkward pauses in conversation. She’ll be moving up North after graduation, working as an analyst for an investment banking firm and it just so happens that her ain’t sh*t boyfriend is going to law school in the same city. She wants to move in with him and frankly I’m skeptical–I think something is seriously wrong with dude and that he has a depressive, controlling personality. But all I can do is pray for her.

So how about you, readers? Are there any people in your life that you’ve reconnected with this year? Was the reunion good or bad? Do tell!

 

Saturday Night Divas

Last night Maya, Sunny, and a bunch of our friends went to a karaoke bar to celebrate my frat brother’s birthday. We had a fantastic time–I’ve never done karaoke before (I have no idea why, because I loooove music), but I let it all hang out. Singing, choreography, dancing on the sofa, jumping up and down–we did it all! Even the appearance of a girl who I really don’t like, and LS not speaking to me, couldn’t ruin my night. Usually I’m the one sitting on the sidelines watching others have fun, so it felt good to really let my hair down. I should do that more often. I’m glad that I’m finally at a place in my life where I can stop being self-conscious long enough to enjoy myself. I’ve finally accepted that there will be days where I feel wildly self-confident, and days where I feel like I’m totally faking it. But that’s okay as long as the former outnumbers the latter.

 

Update

I’m baaaaaaAAAAACCCKKKKKK! Hopefully I haven’t been away too long. I’ve been busy doing a whole lot of nothing, and then the internet went out for 2 days (I actually had to register for classes at Barnes & Noble).  Anyway, a lot has happened these few weeks….

Firstly, will wonders never cease? LS is talking to me again and she actually APOLOGIZED. This is huge for me, because I can count on one hand the number of times that people who really hurt me actually, sincerely expressed remorse. Honestly, I just let things go because I never expect apologies from people, but this was a pleasant surprise. Since I’m working on myself, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to give one last shot at trying to re-establish communication between us. I sent her an email (I de-friended her on Facebook back when she was being trifling so I wouldn’t get dragged into e-beef) and just said that I hoped she and her family had a happy holiday season, and that I wasn’t holding any grudges so she knows where to find me if she wants to talk. Lo and behold, she wrote me back saying she was sorry for the unkind things she said and that she actually admired me for sticking to my guns about what was most important in my life. She ended by saying that we could talk anytime. I was blown away! But really glad, too. Although I was prepared for us to go our separate ways, I really didn’t want it to be like that. I’m not an angry person and I don’t enjoy cutting people off; I only do it when it’s necessary to preserve my own well-being. But LS was my very first friend at college and I’ve always tried to be there for her, so it really hurt me when she started ignoring me. Hopefully we can have a better relationship from this point onward.

Next up is me and my hair. A lot of girls at school have been going natural and three of them recently did the big chop. I’ve been going back and forth about transitioning from my relaxer, but first of all I just wasn’t ready. Secondly, I hate being seen as someone who just jumps on whatever the current trend is, and I hate the “hair wars” that some black women engage in that make hair a political statement. But I cut my below shoulder length hair off above my chin in August, and it actually didn’t look bad. It’s grown really fast too; only 5 months later it’s touching the tops of my shoulders! I got braid extensions last month; Maya did them for me and they were really cute (thanks girl!). 2009 was pretty big for me in terms of  experimenting with my hair. For the last 7 years I’ve worn it relaxed straight with a side part. No more! I’m finally ready to take care of my hair without any chemical help. I’m transitioning for now until I get at least two inches of new growth, so I’ll probably end up doing the big chop in June (eeek!).  I would do it earlier but I want long hair for my graduation photos…lmao!

If you read my last post, you know that one of my goals is to integrate exercise into my lifestyle. I always say I’m going to exercise more, but I don’t get specific enough or plan well enough so I always end up doing less than I want to. Since I don’t have any 8am classes and I have the perfect senior year schedule (THANK GOD!), morning workouts are a viable possibility. So I’m going to start out with 35 minutes of cardio MWF, with 10 minutes of cardio and a 30 minute strength routine Tu/Th. I also found a beginner’s strength routine in Women’s Health Magazine so that I won’t just be wandering around aimlessly doing half hearted bicep curls and lunges. And just for an extra push of motivation, I bought new running shoes and workout gear so that I won’t have any excuses. I don’t hate the gym but I don’t like it that much either, and schlubbing around in men’s sweatpants and a huge t-shirt doesn’t make the experience any more enjoyable. Cuter workout clothes that flatter my shape will help remind me what I’m working towards.

Last but not least is the engagement newsflash. Out of state tuition just went up so Mr. Man will be a little strapped for cash, which means he’ll probably propose without the ring and I’ll get it this summer or fall, which is fine with me. I’m really just excited about   I would prefer a gemstone (probably garnet, which is my birth stone) to diamonds anyway, so we’ll both be happy. I did look at the fancy diamond rings in Zales but they were all just so…shiny. And flashy looking. That’s not me at all! But we went to Jared as well and I saw a really pretty marquis cut diamond solitaire that I fell in love with. It was unique but elegant, just like me. I made sure to tell Mr. Man that was my favorite so he wouldn’t miss the hint (heehee!).

Well, that seems like a good note to wrap things up on. It snowed here in Atlanta last night so I’m cozied up in my new slippers, sweatpants and a thermal, sippin’ on some Ovaltine. Just enjoying my last bit of free time before school starts again. Thanks for reading, and keep coming back!