We Major

It’s a celebration y’all! I am now officially graduated (our degree petitions weren’t certified until today). And since I did so well in my last semester, my diploma is designated with high honors instead of just honors (our version of magna cum laude and all that jazz).

The ceremony was anticlimactic. I couldn’t believe that I’d been struggling and complaining for four long years for everything to be over in what seemed like the blink of an eye.* I had Kanye West in heavy rotation during all of finals week, trying to wrap my head around the concept that I was coming to the end of a major era in my life but it really didn’t sink in until the next day. I’m alright though. I’ll definitely miss the place, and a select few of the people but Townville isn’t Australia or anything. I will be back to visit, and frequently.

My dad, in an uncharacteristic moment of mellowness encouraged to take this summer to relax. “You’ve worked hard, and you deserve it.” Ha! This attitude will probably last all of three weeks but I appreciate the sentiment. All I know is that I’m going to sleep 10 hours a day for as long as they’ll let me…

*I also have a bone to pick with the cap and gown. They cost $55 plus tax and were made out of the most synthetic, hot, papery material on earth.Seriously, my high school robes were higher quality! This is college! Do better, please.

 

Might not make it

Listening to Kid Cudi. I am flat out done–I remember having a teacher who said the proper phrase is “I’m finished” because “Cakes and pies are done. Are you a little muffin?” But really that’s how I feel. If anything, I’m overdone. This is a rough itinerary of my day:

12n-1:30pm- I had lunch with my commencement speaker and caught up with an old friend from freshman year who will be starting her PhD program in the fall.

1:35- Headed to the library to review my outlines for my final exam

1:50- Logged on to Twitter and found out there was a fire at Maya’s apartment complex.

1:51-Freaked out when I realized Maya hadn’t responded to my text from an hour ago

1:52- couldn’t reach Maya after hearing there was a fire in her apartment complex,

2:05-My other brother calls to say he may not make it to my graduation tomorrow because he might need to get an EKG for heart palpitations he’s been having. Everything should be alright but the men on his mother’s side have weak hearts so he’s on his way to the doctor to see about it.

2:15-2:45- Tried, in vain, to concentrate on studying my outline

2:50- Walk in exam room, am annoyed by the two kids in the row next to me quizzing each other on sh*t I don’t remember.

2:55-3:05- Tests are handed out and the professor gives us a little pep talk.

3:06-3:15- PANIC!!!  I never really learned this and haven’t studied except for a cram session last night.

3:07- Tell myself not to panic.

3:08-3:15- Calm down enough to write down the points I want to cover in each essay.

3:16-5:05- Started the first essay, wrote some more, started getting writer’s cramp, kept writing, started the second essay, more writing, shake out my hand every 5 minutes cuz I’m losing feeling in my fingers…one more paragraph, and I’m turning it in.

5:05-5:20- Return all my missed calls and texts. My brother does, in fact, have a heart condition but the flutters aren’t showing up on the initial EKG so he needs to get a 24hr one, but he will come see me on Sunday. Maya and her apartment are all fine. I start breathing normally again.

5:30-6:30Palled around with my fellow seniors and history faculty at a graduation reception. My seminar prof says she liked my research paper on Israeli intelligence network (does that mean I got an A?). My favorite prof asks me if I’m okay: “You look a bit dazed.” Realize that I am, in fact, graduating tomorrow.

I got back to my room around 7ish and wanted to take a nap (my frat brothers are having a probate tonight, and while I’m really proud that they have neos their timing SUCKS), but my dad still has to come move my tv out of the room. All of this and I have to be up at 6:30am tomorrow? I might be late for graduation.

 

A sense of liberation or melancholy

I’ve been afflicted lately with a mild case of what Porsche dubbed “graduation depression”. Faced with my imminent exit from college, everything has renewed significance. I find myself analyzing the past four years with the kind of scrutiny usually reserved for breakups. Then again, this is a breakup of sorts, isn’t it? On top of that, law school seems alternately thrilling and terrifying. There’s a thrill and dread that comes with the thought of living on my own, starting over socially with new people. Anyway. Tex has reminded me that I’m being ridiculous. “You have nothing to worry about! I’m not going to forget about you and you’re gonna do fine in law school.” Essentially, he thinks that I haven’t been failing at life so far, so why would I start now? Good point.

I suppose my biggest disappointment is my relationship with LS. I know I’ve probably beaten this topic into the ground, but it’s hard to give up on a friendship with someone who you used to be thisclose with. Especially when the change happened virtually overnight, with no defining fault or explanation. Unbeknownst to me, by the time we actually had a falling out she had decided that we weren’t friends anymore. Or at least it seems that way. After eight months of ignoring the issue, then apologizing, and actively trying to make things right, my arm is getting tired from holding this damn olive branch by myself. So there’s nothing left to do but give up.

It’s hard for me, especially since in college I thought I had finally, FINALLY broken free of the female friendship curse that has haunted me since elementary school. It’s true that most people don’t have dozens of confidantes that they’ve known since childhood. But my oldest friend who I know and can spill my guts to anytime is Ice, and he’s a dude. I’ve had several female “best friends” but we’ve always ended up losing touch. It’s really frustrating, because no matter how hard I try we grow apart because we’re maturing at different rates. I’ve always had a mentality that was at least 5 years ahead of my biological age, topped off with the fact that I am a lot less emotionally driven than most women. The result of the latter was that being around guys was always easier.

However, I know that postcollege there my male friends will have girlfriends, and then wives, who may view me as threat no matter how obviously un-single I am. Even without that, it’s kind of weird to call your (straight) male friend every week to shoot the breeze. Dudes just don’t spend that much time on the phone unless you’re the girlfriend. And besides that, sometimes I do want to talk about girly things. There’s always Sissy, but she’s a grown woman with a full time job–impromptu Starbucks dates are just hard to fit in, even though we speak on the phone almost every day.

At any rate, I’m 12 days out from graduation and despite my mixed feelings, I’m mostly happy about it. This is a huge accomplishment in my life and I’m really ready to explore new horizons. My time in college has taught me a lot, but there’s nothing else for me to learn here. Law school will be a welcome change…

 

Nothing Everything

“Rows of boys and girls run out to seek the world. Candy coated promise, just out of reach when you want it. Give me something sweet, bring me to the brink. I’ll leave without hesitation, to a world without limitation–rock me patient, slowly….Don’t say you’re not amazed when you know you are. And don’t say you’re not afraid when you know you are…”- Mandy Moore, Merrimack River

Walking around campus over spring break, I felt bittersweet thinking about my impending graduation. I’ve spent my whole college career trying to figure out what I wanted to do afterwards…and now that it’s finally here I find myself looking back.

I used to be so naive. I knew it too, but of course the main stipulation of such a state is that you never know how innocent you really are until your illusions are shattered. Cliche as it is, my first love broke my heart but I’m glad that even then, I knew that my life would go on. In the words of Khalil Gibran, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.” I don’t know how tranquil I was, but I did drink the remedy…and when I put the bottle down, there was someone waiting to take me home.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, though. This school pushed my mind to limits I didn’t know it could achieve. I never would have thought that I’d understand derivatives and integrals, or read at least 5 different textbooks a semester and retain enough information come exam time to maintain a 3.0 GPA. I went Greek, and while my experience wasn’t ideal I’m still glad I did it. I lost the first friends I ever made at college, but made more than enough new ones to make up for it. I came to the edge of a nervous breakdown–and almost transferred schools because of it. But I looked over the edge and backed the f*ck up (lol!).

Lately I’ve been thinking that my life hasn’t quite followed the script I wrote four years ago, in ways both good and bad. I thought I’d be in another state getting an Master’s, but instead I’ll be working on my J.D. in Townville. I thought I’d be single, but I’m in a serious relationship.  Life has moved so fast and yet so slowly…I’ll cop to a bit of wedding fever, wanting the official engagement to come quickly so Tex and I could start our lives together already.

But then I realized, we’re already living it. In three years from now when I’m 25 we’ll definitely be married…and working, and paying a mortgage. When I’m 29 we’ll have been together for a whole decade and probably thinking about starting on those two or three kids we want. In ten years I’m sure we’ll have a baby. So why not enjoy being “just” boyfriend and girlfriend?

I also see how wrong I was in thinking that being a whole hour apart was such a tragedy. Since my school is so big, I’ve insulated myself with the 20 0r so folks I feel at home with, and yet I can go days without seeing more than five of them. Orange Law is comprised of about 600 students (200 per incoming class), so I definitely won’t have the option of being anonymous. Everyone I talked to there said that the people are the best part, and that everybody is pretty much friends with everybody else. Private school showed me that I tend to be a lot more popular in small groups, so I know the small environment will probably calm my nerves enough for me to socialize. And since I won’t be spending weekday evenings with Tex, I’ll have plenty of time to study, cook dinner at home, and work out (Get Right, Get Tight 2010 in full effect! lol).

I also spend any significant free time I have with Tex, and as much as I genuinely love spending time with him I know he’s been a convenient shield for me to hide behind. I know he enjoys having me around too, as he hasn’t complained (and please believe, he’s not shy about complaining when something doesn’t suit him). But in my last relationship I pretty much lived to please HWSRN. Tex is the complete opposite and caters to my needs, but I need to be on my own a little bit so that I can find a balance between being a servant and a trophy. Otherwise, how will I be able to hold on to my identity after I’m a wife and mother?

I guess that’s as good a place as any to wrap up. This has been a post of epic length anyway so if I don’t write anything for the next several days don’t hold it against me!

 

The Silver Lining

First, let me just say: IT’S SPRING BREAK!!!!

And the break was sorely needed. Thanks to some finagling with the school calendar, our one significant holiday of spring semester got pushed back two weeks and it felt like it. I told myself I would start my research paper since I’m not going anywhere this year but….once school starts back I have 2 weeks before anymore tests, so I’m thinking my time would be better spent resting my aching brain so I can perform with maximum efficiency during the home stretch.

I finally heard from all my law schools. I was waitlisted at my first choice, waitlisted at two schools in Tennessee and North Carolina, and accepted into another North Carolina school. The acceptance offer didn’t come with any money, and I know that even if I do get into my first choice I likely won’t know until June, and I almost definitely won’t get any money. So I’m going to be a proud member of Orange* Law School’s incoming class of 2013!

*No it’s not a creative code name, but it’s enough to keep me from getting sued.

 

16 credit hours to go

Until I’m a college graduate! It feels great and surreal at the same time. My classes are really interesting- senior history seminar on espionage technology; urban and regional economics; jazz history, African-American entrepreneurship; and history of ancient Greece. I feel very Renaissance. This is my first semester where I’ve enjoyed going to every single class, and engaged all those different areas of my brain. I’m so glad I chose liberal arts at Tech (even if the math, science and computing requirements were brutal!) because I got so much more out of my college education than just my major. And HTS (history, technology & society) has most flexible program of any of the Ivan Allen College of Liberal Arts. My classes have included Introduction to Sociology, Modern Japan, The Conquest of Outer Space, Museum Studies, Revolutionary Europe…the list goes on. You’ll have to forgive me, I’m a student ambassador for the liberal arts school so I get carried away sometimes!

I may have mentioned this early, and if I have, forgive me. I’m just stoked that I got a full tuition scholarship offer from one of my top law schools! Haven’t heard from anyone else yet but it just feels good to know that no matter what the other letters say, I have a viable option on the table that’s not my last choice. I’m still a bit anxious to get all my decisions back though, just so I can have a better idea of where I’ll be next year. My decision is not as easy as picking the best school that I get into- I want to stay close to Atlanta to be near my soon-to-be fiance. I also don’t want to be forced to take out more than $60,000 in loans. That’s a bit ambitious considering that’s the cost of one year’s attendance at many private and upper ranked schools, but I’m eligible for grants and also applying for outside scholarships. The other reason I don’t want to take on huge amounts of debt is because my salary most likely won’t support $5000/mo payments. I have no interest in Big Law/corporate law because it’s a soul sucker. What’s the point of making $100k/yr if I’m in the office 70 hours a week? That’s 14 hours a day! In 10 hours I’ve got time for nothing else but to make & eat dinner, maybe catch 1 tv show and pass out until I do it all again. That’s not a life. Sure, lots of people say they’ll do it for a few years and then strike out on their own, but they get too comfortable with the money. Anyway, I can’t work anywhere that 14 hours a day, every day of every week of the year is okay. I’d like time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. They may be smaller in the public sector, but they’ll be all the sweeter because I’ll actually get to savor them.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that unlike many aspiring lawyers, I’m not doing it for the prestige or fast money. I want to do the work because it’s engaging work that will allow me to live a comfortable life. My dream life. I’d rather build wealth slowly through living below my means and making smart investments, than break my back trying to bank a million dollars by age 35.

Anyway, if I’m gonna get to the gym in the morning I need to wrap it up. Much love till next time!

 

Senior Year Reflections

Weeeellll, I still have one more final to go and I need to be studying. But since I’ve been locked in my room studying for the better part of the last 10 hours, I am taking a break to watch Glee and try to reclaim some semblance of sanity. At any rate, I was wasting some time on Facebook and decided to check out the profiles of some friends and acquaintances I hadn’t seen or heard from in a while. Not everybody is popping out babies; some people are actually doing quite well for themselves. One of my former Girl Scout troop members is studying broadcast journalism at Howard and has interned with PBS and WSBTV. Another girl, who took piano lessons from my mom, is trying to launch her music career. I have another girlfriend who is almost annoyingly put together–she has bomb ass grades and somehow manages to look like she just stepped off set from a photo shoot. One of my old neighbors, who’s like a little brother to me, just finished his first semester at college and is bubbling with excitement over choosing a major in film. Then there are several others who just seem to be lucky citizens of the world–they’re always taking trips to exotic places and no matter what, they’re always involved in something hugely fun.

It’s times like these that make me wonder if I’m doing enough. Being poised to close a chapter in your life always makes one thoughtful, especially someone like me who practically lives inside her head. Should I have joined another club? Done a music minor? Picked a different major? Gone to more parties? Objectively speaking I’ve done a fair amount with my college career- pledged a sorority, worked 2 internships, taken on leadership positions in various activities, gone to football games, taken spring break trips with my friends. But so many other people seem to have it all figured out. I know that to most other people, I look like I have it all together with not a care in the world, but the truth is that I’m terribly critical of myself and am nagged with insecurity more often then not. It’s just that I’d rather die than give people the impression that sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

That, in the end, is what saves me from endless bouts of self-pity and envy. Everyone is blessed with different talents, and everyone has their own path to walk. So what does it profit me to wish I had someone else’s blessings? All of these people have their own problems too, even if they aren’t discernible from their Facebook profiles. At the end of the day, I’m only 21 years old and I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. That’s a lot of time to work on making my dreams come true.

 

Yes, I’m still alive

Even though I am buried under a pile of work. My environmental history professor is ticking me off right now–I got back the rough draft of my final paper and she lit it up! Not that my writing was bad, but she found a gazillion extra things for me to research. It is 3:04pm Monday. That paper is due 5:00pm Thursday and I have two final exams to prepare for and take between now and then. And she really expects me to go all in depth? I can only put so much information in 8-10 pages, not to mention that she waited until November 23rd (yes, the week of Thanksgiving) to actually assign this ish. And gave us a very involved group project too that was due today. It’s times like these where I just say really?!? I’m sure I’ll have to deal with these types of challenges in the workplace but at least I’ll be getting paid for my blood, sweat and tears!

School, I really hate you sometimes.

Now let me stop wasting to time and get back to work so I can graduate. Don’t fret, I will be back with real posts soon!

 

America is Stupid: Musings on education reform

If you are a repeat visitor to this blog, you already know that I have an intense in interest in issues regarding sex and relationships. It’s about time that I introduced you to my other pet cause: education reform. The public school system leaves a lot to be desired, and No Child Left Behind should really be called No Child Left Untested because that’s what it is. There are enough things wrong with American education to fuel at least a dozen posts, but since I have final exams coming up and an unfinished term paper I need to save some of my creative juices. So for today, I’ll just give a brief overview of what ails us.

1. School performance is inextricably  tangled up with socioeconomic status. As a whole, children who come from poorer families will always do worse in school than children who come from wealthier families. Period. This is for a myriad of reasons. Measures of intelligence and educational progress emphasize skills that rich white people have cultivated for generations, and rich white people run the country. Families with more money have more disposable income to spend on enrichment programs, books, and “edutainment” (think BabyEinstein, Schoolhouse Rock, board games, music lessons, etc).

2. Teachers have become grossly underpaid baby-sitters. You can’t neglect your child for 5 years, plop them in a kindergarten classroom and expect him to excel. It just won’t happen. Likewise, if you don’t make your daughter do her homework, then the 8 hours a day she spends at school won’t be very effective either. We’ve already established that the home environment makes a profound impact on student performance–yet a teacher whose students are bipolar (or involved with gangs, or pregnant, or have been molested, or whose mother/father is alcoholic or has cancer 0r is otherwise incapacitated) is expected to take a $400 budget for supplies and turn it into 95th percentile test scores? Ha! And please believe that all of the above has happened to Sissy’s middle school students. At any rate, most teachers cap out at maybe $50k/yr if they have a Master’s degree. They don’t get paid overtime either, which is ridiculous considering the amount of open houses, PTA meetings, parent meetings and faculty meetings they have to attend along with creating lesson plans and grading assignments. I’m convinced that good teachers work harder than 75% of corporate America even with summers off.

3. Teaching methods are outdated. It’s been decades since the theory of multiple intelligences was developed, and any teacher worth her salt knows about it. We live in an increasingly global world. The new generation will need to develop interdisciplinary skills across the curriculum–technology is moving so fast that any one specialty could quickly become obsolete, so a generalist approach (that is, cultivating multiple skill sets) is essential to success. Yet the public school system continues to cut funding for the arts, foreign languages, and physical education, relying instead on tedious drills and a “plug-and -chug” method of teaching. We give students a curriculum that is completely divorced from the realities of their lives. In health class why don’t we talk about safe sex, or help students learn about nutrition by having them come up with healthy recipes they can cook for themselves? In economics, why don’t we discuss how to start investing in the stock market, or how loan and credit card financing works? In social studies, why don’t we discuss the sociological aspects of historical events (e.g. slavery,  European nationalism & imperialism, the marginalization of Muslims and Jews) and how they continue to affect the world today? With so many other things competing for their attention, young people won’t be lured in by abstractions.

4. Apprenticeship has become nearly obsolete. 16% of high school students drop out, as well as 1 in 4 college freshmen. Clearly school isn’t for everybody, but we continue to deprive people of any other means of making a living. As we continue moving towards a service economy as opposed to a goods-based economy, factory jobs have been outsourced and we’ve eliminated the practice of on-the-job training. The upside is that good electricians, plumbers, and auto mechanics are able to make pretty high wages because their skills are in demand. The downside is that this leaves high school dropouts and those who don’t choose to go to college with the option of working in the fast-food industry for the rest of their lives, or resorting to crime and many understandably choose the latter. To make it worse,

5. College is overpriced. Many bright young adults who want to go to college can’t go or are unable to finish due to the increasingly high cost of college. Since public school curriculum aren’t held to a national standard, colleges compensate for this by making students take 2 years of “core” classes–basically, the same old English, math, science and social studies courses they took in 9th-12th grades. Even so, almost half the country has obtained a college degree so its inherent value has dropped, leaving graduates with a substantial debt burden and a decreased means of paying it off.

Here’s a bit of further reading, if you’re interested:

An Experiment With Six-Figure Teachers- PostBourgie

“Are Too Many Students Going to College?”- Chronicle of Higher Education

 

I know I’m just scratching the surface. Do you agree, or do you think that some students are simply dumb/unteachable? Are the teachers solely to blame?  Or is it something else entirely? Let me know your thoughts.

 

Dreams and Realities

I’m 6 months away from finishing college, I turned in all my law school applications last week, and I don’t know how I feel about that. As ready as I am to get out of college (it’s been a fun, but grueling 4 years), college is a cocoon in which you can delay those hard questions about life. Like: Will I be able to get a job? How will I pay for my own expenses? What do I want to do when I graduate? Where do I see myself in 5, 10, 20 years?

I’ve been pondering on those questions for awhile and it’s kind of scary, because it’s never really mattered before whether or not I came to a conclusion. But, in creating this blog I have realized that I am a writer, and one day I would like that to be my primary occupation. Do I still want to be a lawyer? Yes, but not for my whole life. I would like to work with a government organization or non-profit instead of a firm. Slaving away at billable hours makes bank, but what’s the point of making six figures if I have no time to enjoy the rest of my life? No bueno. Still, it’s steady work and I plan to save and invest heavily so that in 10 years I can quit the profession (or at least cut down to working part-time) and really focus on my writing.

Obviously, I plan to feed my creative juices in the meantime–there are some great (free!) online creative writing classes, and this blog keeps my writing muscles in shape too. I do realize the perils of pursuing an entirely separate field of work–it’s easy to get on the hamster wheel and get stuck, or lose that creative spark. But I’ve always been hell-bent on doing things my way, and I get results.

So what is your passion? Is there anything holding you back from living it? Do you think I’m delusional? Please discuss!