I Feel Pretty

As I get older, my political views about societal oppression have extended beyond racism into sexism. And although I don’t believe that traditional gender roles are incontrovertibly evil, I do chafe at the unrealistic expectations that patriarchy imposes on women. I reject the idea that in order to be successful at womanhood, I must be all things to the man in my life and physically perfect in every way. I love clothes, shoes and purses. I have enough magazines to create a dozen poster size collages. I love stepping out in a cheery shade of nail polish. But I don’t need any of those things to feel pretty.

In some ways, I’m a bit of an anomaly. I have no piercings (not even my ears!). I don’t wear makeup. I don’t wear jewelry (although that’s mostly because I hate the look of anything fake, am allergic to costume jewelry and can’t afford the real stuff). But sometimes when I admit this to other young ladies, they look at me funny. “You don’t get your eyebrows done? I mean, you could just get them arched and keep it up yourself” or “Makeup is great, you just have to know how to use it!” I’ve never had a Brazilian wax (and don’t plan to). I dare not admit the frequency of which I shave my legs for fear of being stoned!

Okay, that’s an exaggeration. But I’ve never had a guy tell me I needed to touch up my nail polish, that my legs  offended his delicate sensibilities, or that I should consider getting a weave. Nothing is wrong with any of those things, and I’m sure most women do them because it makes them feel good. Still, there’s often an undertone in these conversations that these are things you MUST do as a women. I feel just fine walking out the house with nothing on my face but Olay moisturizer and Burt’s Bees lip balm. Jewelry annoys me because I don’t like to clink all day or constantly fish my necklace out of my cleavage (#BATCproblems). Unshaven legs aren’t unhygienic to me; my mom doesn’t shave hers and she was my very first role model of glamour.

I’m not against any of the things that women do to feel more attractive. But for right now, I have an extremely minimal beauty regimen and I’m even more comfortable with that now that I’m relaxer-free. Tex never really noticed my hair before, no matter what I did to it, but now he’s always touching it and telling me that he likes it. I just look at cosmetic advertisements and it’s clear to me now, in a way thatit wasn’t before, that a lot of these products and services are pushed on us in a way that implies “You’re not beautiful without this.” Men walk around with nose hair, beer belliies, five o’clock shadows and gnarly toenails without shame. Why do I have to be primped and plucked and shaved to within an inch of my life?

I suppose this topic is intensely personal to me because I’ve never felt like I fit in. And i spent most of my childhood and teenage years wishing I could just be like everybody else. I’m finally at a place where, even on my bad days I can say “This is me and if that’s not enough for you, too bad.” So for me, putting on makeup or getting a manicure just because that’s what’s acceptable feels like hiding. And I refuse to hide.

 

The perfect product

One of my favorite natural hair blogs, K is for Kinky did a post on all the discounts available from different natural hair retailers for Black Friday. I’d heard a lot about Oyin Handmade, but given that my bathroom cabinets are stuffed with half-used products already I couldn’t justify paying full price for a bunch more stuff that might not work. But Oyin had a 20% discount on all items AND sample sizes of all their products at $3.50 each I couldn’t resist. I got  6 samples for just $22, including shipping!

I got my package a week after ordering, and it just so happened to be wash day so I tried them out immediately. And can I just say, I’m a believer.

I washed my hair with L’Oreal EverStrong moisturizing shampoo (a staple that has carried over from my relaxed days). I conditioned with Oyin’s Honey Hemp conditioner. It’s a regular rinse out conditioner, very creamy and my hair just drank it up. When I got out the shower to towel up my hair, my curls looked quite perky. However, I like it a lot better as a leave in.

I let my hair dry about 80% and before putting my twists in. I keep my hair in twists for at least 2 days a week–I’m a law student and sometimes morning classes are a struggle, so being able to spritz my hair and go is a great advantage. Plus, I play in my hair a lot so it keeps my hair from getting tangled or unmanageably big–once I take the twists out, it won’t be long before a twist out turns into an afro. Anyway, the package of samples came with a handy dandy insert of recommended uses for the products. So I re-moistened my hair with the Juices n Berries spray. Then I proceeded to twist sections of hair using the Shine & Define Coaxing Serum, following up with the Whipped Pudding, and sealing my ends with the Burnt Sugar Pomade. After applying the two moisturizers my hair felt slightly mushy so I was afraid that I had used too much. But this morning when I woke up, my twists felt perfect! My hair had no feeling of dryness, crunchiness, or frizz.

I took the twists down with the Hair Dew and voila–a fluffy, defined, twist out!

Now let me tell you why this is so huge. First problem: my hair gets dry even in the southern summer humidity, so you know it gets SUPER dry when it’s cold out.  Second problem: I have kinky hair along the back and sides but there’s a whole middle section that’s more curly, and one particular spot within that where I can NEVER get my twists to stay together. Boo hiss. I’ve been in search of the perfect moisturizer and hair gel. I discovered Shea Moisture Curling Souffle, but found that if I used too much my hair felt crunchy. As the heat and humidity have waned, I’ve stopped using that because  it’s heavy on the glycerin and dries my hair out. Before that I was using Elasta QP Feels Like Silk Liquid Styling Gel, which I like mostly. It never dries my hair out but, in order to get enough hold for twists and curls I have to use a lot. So my hair either feels slightly mushy, or just sticky with product buildup if I use it more than one day in a row. What both these products have in common is that glycerin is the second ingredient! There is glycerin in both the Shine & Define and Whipped Pudding, but they are at the very bottom of the ingredient list–second or third to last, as opposed to first.

RATING: 10 out of 10. The packaging is cute, the products smell delicious and most importantly–they do what they’re supposed to do! Without build up, heaviness, greasiness, crunchiness, or any other side effects.

 

Separate and Unequal

I spent most of today feeling tired and unable to focus, which means I need to take some time off from studying and get my head back together. So today I’m going to talk more about hair.

I’ll admit I’ve been slow on the uptake as to the divisions in the “black hair community”. I struggled not to roll my eyes as I typed that phrase because I still can’t believe it’s THAT serious. But apparently, to a lot of folks it is. It’s not unreasonable, since hair, like body shape & size and skin color, is a litmus test of beauty.

For one, there’s the whole hair typing system. Instead of keeping hair in perspective and referring to it in more objective terms (thick, fine, frizzy, smooth, spiral curls, zig zag curls, etc) somebody came up with a whole classification (read: caste) system. Black hair usually falls into Type 3 or 4 with subcategories a, b, c ranging from most to least manageable (read: desirable). Of course, many girls are disappointed when they don’t have type 3 hair (think Chilli or Alicia Keys). I’ll admit I had a flicker of such myself, but quickly came to love my tri-textured moptop. Unfortunately, a lot of women don’t get over that initial disappointment so they search the internet in hopes of finding that one magical product or style that will give them a wavy, uniformly curled look (“oingy boingy curls”, as the Miss Jessie’s product website refers to them).

The other piece of this is hair length. Many black women go natural and discover that they grow their hair to much longer lengths than they did before, when dryness and breakage stunted their hair growth. Apparently it’s common knowledge that black folks can’t grow long hair and so naturalistas are out to disprove that. But it’s practically an obsession! Mainstream black publications like Essence and Ebony do a good job of showcasing a range of natural hair–short, long, braided, loced, whatever. But the overwhelming majority of most popular blogs and YouTube channels feature girls with the ideal hair type or ridiculously long hair.

Now, let me explain where I’m coming from–I’ve stated this in previous posts so I’ll summarize.My mother is mixed so I have enjoyed hair that is both thick and long for most of my life, and my hair’s curl pattern is closer to that which many people aspire to. I’ve always like my hair and not been preoccupied with it so the angst over this topic baffles me to an extent.

Given that, the obsession over uniformly curled, butt length hair is MADDENING to me. True, I don’t plan to cut my hair again anytime soon. But I don’t feel like having short hair and a not-so-teeny-weeny-afro is something to bemoan, either. Posts about styling short natural hair have all this talk of awkward phases and yes, it is frustrating at times not to be able to cop out of bad hair days by rocking a ponytail. But truthfully, it’s not bad at all. Detangling is quick and relatively painless, wash & gos are still an option, products last longer, you can wear hats without having your hair straightened, the list goes on! Why, then, is super long hair the be all, end all of naturalness? Why is there a debate about what actually constitutes long hair? Why is that no matter how good the intentions, people still find a way to categorize and put down others as less than????

The world may never know.

 

The pain of natural hair videos

I am one year and one month natural (go me!) and I’m still in the experimental stage with my hair. When I did my last mini-chop back in August I got layers because my hair is super thick and still above shoulder length, and the hair poof explosion on short hair is not cute when you can’t even hide it in a ponytail. All of that is to say, I’m still new to short hair having had it for 2 years versus my whole life, so to maximize my styling options I’ve turned to YouTube.

The proliferation of natural hair videos is a blessing and a curse. It’s great to have video tutorials just a few keystrokes away, but you also have to weed through the bad ones. And there are a LOT of bad ones. First off, if the title of the video is about hair…please talk about hair in the video. I do not care what you did at work today, where your bracelet came from, what you got in the mail, etc. That’s what vlogs are for, I came here to learn about HAIR. I don’t need a whole spiel on your entire hair regimen–you can make a separate video for that. I really don’t care what products you use either. I guess it makes some people feel like a member of the Super Cool Natural Hair Club to talk about your Miss Jessie’s Cocoa Custard Curly Girl Pudding or whatever the heck it’s called*, but that’s useless information unless you also tell me the type, porosity & thickness of your hair. Move on, please. Also, the eternity you spend at the beginning of the video primping and fluffing your hair? Stop it. Then there are the people who, bless their hearts, have a terrible speaking presence. Or no knowledge of proper lighting techniques so you can actually see what they’re doing.

/end rant.

Anyway. Finals start next week so technically I should be studying and not blogging. I spent all of Saturday and Sunday being a Good Law Student and did CALI tutorials and practice exams at school since class was totally useless, so I don’t even feel bad. I’m on track in every class except Business Associations because it bores me to tears. Pray for me y’all.

Ciao!

*I saw Miss Jessie’s at Target and one of the products was $38. THIRTY-EIGHT DOLLARS. Are you effing kidding me? The most I paid for hair stuff was $20 for the Mizani overnight moisturizer, which was great on my relaxed hair. But the $8 L’Oreal overnight repair cream was absolutely magical and I still use it, so I don’t believe that the best hair products are always expensive.

 

Foxy Cleopatra

My hair isn't this big (yet!) but with the highlights I'm definitely channeling Ms. Foxy. LOL!

I know I already wrote a post on natural hair in the past week but that was before I wore my afro for the first time. And let me just say…I LOVE IT! I love my hair. I finally understand why it never seemed to want to lay down straight–because it’s meant to be a glorious cloud of kinky curly cottony goodness.

Now, I’m not going to become that person who turns her nose up at girls who wear relaxers or weaves and wax sermonic about embracing your Blackness. Every woman should wear her hair in a way that maximizes her own enjoyment of it. Still, I think every black woman should wear her hair natural at some point in her conscious life. I say that because, if you got your first perm before you were in the first grade OR your mom was like mine and pressed it every week, you probably don’t remember what your natural hair texture is like.

I remember before I went natural, I was infuriated by the suggestion that something as superfluous as hair could be that important. I wasn’t about to come out the house looking crazy every day, and my perm was “more manageable”. I could never picture myself rocking a ‘fro before because I thought it was too out there for my personality/style but you know what I found out? An afro goes just as well with khakis & a polo shirt as it does with a turban & dashiki. And you truly don’t realize the extent to which you internalize mainstream concepts of beauty until you start going against the grain. Don’t get me wrong, the transitioning process wasn’t all sunshine & roses. I had more than my fair share of bad hair days and feeling just plain unpretty. But I had to ask myself why? Does the fact that my hair doesn’t lay down flat and straight change my face? Does it change who I am? Not at all! But there was a small part of me that thought my natural hair wouldn’t be good enough. There are those who say “natural hair ain’t for everybody”. About half of them mean that the style, upkeep & maintenance changes aren’t to everyone’s preferences, and I’d agree with that– you have to be ready to embrace that or you won’t be happy with it. But the other half of that faction thinks that anybody whose strays out of curly territory and into kinky/nappy needs to slap a perm on it.

The thing is that hair complexes, just like skin complexes, are very real. Black women are constantly getting messages that we aren’t good enough–we’re too big, loud, aggressive, curvy, sexual, etc, etc. But with the aid of a weave or relaxer, at the very least every Black girl can achieve a head full of silky, blow in the breeze, whippable hair. It’s a security blanket that many are afraid to let go, and that’s completely understandable. But nothing worthwhile comes easy and on the other side, there are endless benefits to be had. I finally realized that I do, in fact, have wash & wear hair. I don’t have to fight back tears while trying to comb it, or spend 45 minutes with the flat iron in the morning, or sleep on rollers every night to make it look “presentable”. I just spritz it with moisturizer, fluff and go! I don’t shed hairs like a dog. And I take pride in the fact that my hair is not only beautiful, but 100% organic.

I guess I did get on my soapbox a little, but I don’t mean to down relaxed or weaved up girls. Rather, as someone who once thought going natural was totally not for me, I hope this lets you all know that if you’re questioning whether or not to take the leap–do it! You just might fall in love.

 

The September Issue

I’m a magazine junkie. My mind is always whirring about something and I mostly feed it the mental equivalent of broccoli, lean proteins and whole grains. Magazines are like candy for my brain, and the September fall fashion issues are like Halloween–sugar overload!

This year, I’m particularly excited because three of my favorite mags have Black women on the cover (yes, I know Essence always has a Black woman but it’s the uber-fabulous Tracee Ellis Ross!!!).

 

My level of stylishness fluctuates from day to day, mostly due to my love of comfort and student budget. But I’ve always loved fashion. I used to pore through magazines and make inspirational collages for my bedroom, I loved playing dress up in my mom’s closet, and I would never play with my Barbie dolls until I changed their outfits to match whatever adventure they were supposed to be having.

Magazines have become a special treat for me, since law school means that I don’t have time to read anything else in print that’s not a casebook! Also, I’m exploring what my personal style is and finally getting around to trying some of the beauty and fashion tips I read every month. I tried a bright pink lip gloss for the first time and it was cute! And cardigans are becoming my new wardrobe staple. The other thing is, as I face the reality that I have a mere two years left before entering the workforce, I’m trying to close the gap between my casual wardrobe and work appropriate attire. As much as I love a colorful pair of Adidas or Chuck Taylors, there’s no sense in me having six different pairs of sneakers and one pair of sensible heels anymore. I’m transitioning into adulthood and my wardrobe should reflect that. I’m not in a rush to grow old, but I’m not a teenage undergrad anymore–and I’m proud to let the outer me reflect my maturity and growth.

 

Au Naturel

I’ve been transitioning since October–10 months! I had my hair in braids for the first month of summer, and did a mini chop when I took them out (my hair was neck length and I cut it to the bottom of my ears). Two weeks after taking them out, I got a weave so that I could finish out my internship without having to fight my hair every morning, and finally got the rest of my relaxer cut off today!

The chop experience wasn’t at all traumatic for me. This was my second attempt at transitioning, and after two years of wearing my hair in a short bob, a few inches off that wasn’t shocking. I was really surprised at how much my hair has grown in a little under a year–even after the hair cut, I’ve got enough to play with straightened and to make a decent sized afro. My stylist gave me chocolate brown & toffee colored highlights (my hair is off-black) to give me some dimension when I wear it curly, and put layers in it as well. So now I have a really cute longish pixie cut I’m just so relieved to have those permed ends gone–they felt like straw compared to the rest of my hair, and the Georgia humidity was making the contrast blatantly obvious.

This experience wasn’t the complete life changer that it was for other naturals, but I did learn a lot about taking care of my hair. I’ll admit I was hoping that I would have those 3c springy curls that just pop on their own but I’ve got “regular” black people hair; 4a at the crown & hairline and 4b at the nape. I love it anyway though. It’s much softer and fuller than it used to be. It’s stronger too, with less breakage. I’m proud of myself for sticking it out this far and I look forward to seeing what other surprises it has in store!

I think the most eye opening part of this whole process was discovering how much other people care about my hair. I hate to say it but hang ups are real–sure there are some “natural hair nazis” who think this is the supreme form of blackness, but a lot of black folks are simply uncomfortable with the way our hair grows out of our scalp. Once you learn how to take care of it (that’s the key thing!), natural hair isn’t any more unmanageable than permed hair. Just because your hair doesn’t lay down flat and whip in the breeze, doesn’t mean it’s wild or strange. It is what it is, why am I wrong for deciding that it was better for me & the health of my hair not to fight it?

 

No pain, no gain

Weight has been a lifelong struggle for me. Some may argue that I’m just “thick” or “big boned”, since I’ve never been overweight to the point that I couldn’t see my toes, climb stairs, shop in regular stores, etc. My size has never stopped me from doing anything other than wearing a bikini. But from a young age I was aware that I was chubby, and that chubby wasn’t desirable.

I’ve never been into diets, either. I love food and cooking so living off of carrots and air wasn’t an option. At the same time, I’m not particularly good at any sports and I hate sweating. So generally, I just lived with the fact that I was chubby. I went down two sizes and kept it off between the ages of 17 and 20, but then the demands of school, my sorority, and a part time job led to me gaining all of it back in about 18 months–a long enough period of time that I didn’t notice it. The past two years I have leveled off, and always said I was going to lose weight but never did it.

Weight loss is hard. And emotional. And the fact is that it’s easier to glance in the mirror and keep it moving rather than grapple with all the reasons why you don’t want to lose weight. I’d rather not lay all my reasons bare, but Jess’s numerous posts on the topic of weight loss, body image, and the emotions behind it–along with the blog A Black Girl’s Guide to Weight Loss–have opened my mind to the barriers I put in my own way. I’ve finally taken the first step, which is to stop feeling guilty. Anyone who’s not skinny always gets the message that you’re just not trying hard enough to lose the weight, that you don’t want it bad enough. Stop drinking soda, take the stairs instead of the elevator and you’ll be thin in no time, right? WRONG. Like everything else in life, weight loss starts in the mind. And if you do all the right things thinking that you’re doomed to fail, eventually you’re going to give up and thus author your own failure.

Finally, it clicks. It’s not about being skinny or looking better than the next girl. It’s about being the best ME I can be, and giving my body the same attention as my heart, mind and spirit. I chose a guy who makes me laugh and not cry, I read, and I pray. So why wouldn’t I do the things that allow my body to perform optimally?

 

Going natural ain’t for everybody

Um…what?

I read that in a tweet today, and it irked me. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that sentiment, but I hear it more and more as the natural movement keeps growing. Now, up until recently I staunchly defended my right to relax my hair without reproach from others. But I also think I should be afforded the same right in reverse. It’s just freakin’ hair, you should be able to do whatever the heck you want with it! It bothers me that “natural” and “relaxed” have all these negative connotations behind them. I can at least understand where the concern/condescension about perms comes from–it involves the use of potentially dangerous, damaging chemicals and a lot of women have suffered burns, temporary and even permanent hair loss. If not done correctly, relaxers can be an absolute nightmare. The worst case scenario with natural hair is tangles that have to be cut out.

But how are you going to have a problem with how someone’s hair actually grows out of their head? I’ve never heard anybody say “Perms ain’t for everybody”. It’s prejudice, plain and simple. Now, there are some girls with natural hair who think that going natural means never combing or moisturizing your hair again. They go outside looking crazy. But they aren’t really getting criticized for being natural, they’re criticized for looking a hot ass mess and not taking care of their hair! Totally separate issue. No, the ones who get singled out are always the ones with kinky/nappy/coarse hair. The ones with smooth, straight or slightly wavy hair (ie, hair that natural has the attributes given by a relaxer) never get told that natural doesn’t look good. If your hair isn’t that, or the signature biracial moptop, you gotsta get a perm.

"Oooh girl that's cute!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I came home with a tightly curled roller set (I’m tenderheaded & transitioning, so any hairstyle that allows me not to comb my hair for a whole week is fine by me) and my parents were less than enthused. They thought it looked wild and believe I’m going through some hippy dippy back to Africa phase [insert eye roll HERE]. It wasn’t even that outrageous! See for yourself:

You didn't think I was gonna show my face, did you?

I confess I used to think naturals were overreacting about the backlash, but I get it now. Honestly, the hair you can see is DEAD anyway so does everybody care so much? Sheesh…

 

Whippin’ my hair

I know all my friends have seen this video but Willow Smith K-I-L-L-S it. So I’m gonna post it because it makes me happy

 

Now, onto the meat of the matter. I’ve written briefly about my hair before, but today I want to talk about hair politics. The natural hair movement is experiencing a huge resurgence right now. Social media has created an international support network for black women who want to ditch the “creamy crack” and embrace their hair in its unaltered form. Even advertisers have caught on–black women with bouncy spiral curls and fluffy afros are being featured almost as prominently as girls with sleek pixie cuts, polished bobs and blown out weaves. Personally, I’m feeling the love. It’s great to have a variety of styles to draw inspiration from and I know that one day, I’ll transition out of my relaxer.

But until then, me and my perm are getting along just fine. So I’ma need all you natural hair fanatics to step off! In the past year I’ve been subjected to far too many variations of:

“God didn’t mean for you to put all those chemicals in your hair.” Deodorant has chemicals in it too and you still wear it every day!

“I’ve been natural for 10 years now and it was the best decision of my life! It’ll be the best decision of your life too.” Umm, are you sure you’re not talking about accepting Jesus into your heart?

“Why are you ashamed of your natural hair?” Even IF that was true, why are you worried about it?

“Stop trying to conform to a Eurocentric standard of beauty.” This is the point where I just walk away pissed.

Honestly, I am thrilled for every girl I know who has made the transition to natural hair and is reveling in it. I love to see people happy and I understand the urge to “spread the gospel”, so to speak. But my hair is healthy, and right now relaxers make me  happy. They make my life so much easier. It’s super thick and I’m tenderheaded, which means that combing my hair when it’s natural (or when I have new growth) hurts. Like, actual pain. Unrelaxed, my hair is so thick that I work up a light sweat just trying to get it into a ponytail! It eats banana clips, combs, and breaks elastics. And when the humidity is above 70% (ie, all summer)? It explodes in five different directions. Permed, it just looks a little crazy the week before my touch-up and I have to rock it pinned back with a headband. Every other day I just unwrap and go. Easy breezy!

Sure, there are lots of ways I could transition without chopping off my hair or having to style it every day–but I just don’t feel like it. Plain and simple. I’m content with my current routine. I spent four years of college mastering the care and keeping of my relaxed hair and I don’t have the inclination to start all over. When it stops working for me, I’ll try something different. And until then? Stay out of my hair, please.