The Friend Zone is kinda like the Bermuda Triangle- you can pretend it’s just a myth, until all of a sudden you’re in it. A barren wasteland where you give much and receive little. All jokes aside, the friend zone isn’t inherently evil. Being friends first has built the foundation for many a successful relationship, and it’s good to take your time so you know what you’re getting into and avoid complications. But you’re all waiting to hear some actionable advice, so here goes (I’m addressing a male perspective for grammatical clarity, but the same thing applies to ladies).
IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE…stop the madness. Seriously, it’s that simple. If you continually allow your friend to get all the perks of a committed relationship- a date to the movies, a shopping buddy, the occasional free meal, a shoulder to cry on- without demanding the recognition and benefits of said relationship, you will continue to be used. Now, that’s not to say she has a malicious intent, because often girls don’t realize that’s what they’re doing. And here’s a big hint: if she regularly comes to you for advice about other guys, or discusses the dirty details of her love life to you, the chances of you getting out of the friend zone are slim to none. You’re probably not one of her CGI buddies, and she most likely sees you as a brother figure. But the only foolproof way to know how she feels about you, is to make your interest known and tell her you want to be her man. Yep, you’re gonna have a grow a pair. *shrugs*
Now one of two things can happen: either she wants to give you a chance, or she doesn’t. If she does, then her behavior after the first date . After that, you should be able to secure a second one within 7-10 days if she has decided you’re boyfriend material. We all lead busy lives nowadays, but (short of a death in the family or personal illness/injury) she will make time for you. Even if it means going to a matinee instead of the evening movie, or lunch on a Sunday instead of dinner Friday night.
There’s also a chance that she is leading you on, and you are her backup plan. She likes you…but she likes Sean and Robert and Aaron too, and she just can’t decide! So she’ll keep you all in rotation until she makes up her mind. Let’s say you went on a date and she agrees you should do it again. If you hear a variation of “Oh I’d love to but I can’t…sometime soon though!” two times or more, you might want to forget about unless she is your backup plan. The third time she says it she is definitely not serious about you. Expect a call from her in about 6 weeks when Aaron and Sean start acting up.
Then there’s the worst case scenario: she wants to be just friends. Rejection is painful, but you can’t change her mind. So you can cut her off entirely, stay in the friend zone, or make the transition to being fully platonic. So this means, you have to take a month or two to go cold turkey. Don’t let her assume that you all have standing plans every weekend. If she calls you late at night and it’s not an emergency, politely end the conversation. Don’t listen to a play by play of her most recent date. Don’t run over to her place on the spur of the moment just because she’s feeling lonely. Sounds harsh, but as her friend it’s NOT YOUR JOB. If she has a problem with the changing nature of the relationship and/or continues to persist with those behaviors, be blunt. “What’s the problem? Because the last time I checked, you said you wanted to be friends, and platonic friends aren’t obligated to ____.” Then give her the ultimatum. “I respect your feelings, and I still want to maintain our friendship. But since I’m interested in being more and you’re not, it’s not fair of you to ask me to ____. And if you can’t understand that, I’m not sure we should be friends at all.” Harsh, but extremely effective.
Well that’s it for this installment…feel free to comment, as always!
